Sunday, August 31, 2014

A&D Counselors Are Clueless

     There is nothing more useless for addicts and alcoholics than relapse prevention (via trigger identification)... except maybe harm reduction (i.e. methadone, suboxone, etc.). When you go to any run-of-the-mill TC, an A&D counselor sits you down, gives you some paper, and tells you to write down all of your triggers. Then the addict stares at the counselor and then stares at the paper and thinks, Hunh??? Then the counselor says something like,

     "Come on, Charlie, be honest, I'm sure you have many, many triggers. Think about it, dig deep and write them all down, because if you can identify your triggers, then you can avoid them, and then you can just stay sober. And if you bump into one of them by accident, not to worry because relapse is part of recovery."

     Besides all of that being complete nonsense, let's just pretend for a moment that triggers exist and that I avoid every trigger known to man. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't prevent me from wanting to get high, which then brings up a much more important point. I can go around desperately trying to avoid triggers, but, uh, wait a sec, I'm still the most miserable, anxious, crazy, pissed off, twisted, depressed, hopeless, bored, frustrated and selfish piece of shit I know. WTF kind of solution is that?

     Yup, that's right. It's no kind of solution at all. I'm still untreated and suffer from the mental obsession and am subject to relapse at any time. This solution is equivalent to locking myself up and throwing away the key, because that's the only way to keep a sober-only addict sober. And locking us up is, of course, not a solution. In fact, considering these guys actually have to go to school to become a counselor, it's just about the dumbest advice I've ever heard in my entire life. Once you let me out of my cage, guess what happens? That's right, I go relapse. But not to worry because there does exist a real solution that can lift our obsession and make us free men and women, safe to go anywhere on God's earth that we please without worrying about some fictional trigger. Refer to all previous posts to learn about that.

      The reason it is so asinine to tell an addict to write down a bunch of triggers is because they must conjure them out of thin air. Triggers don't exist, so the addict is tasked with making shit up that has nothing to do with why they use. We are essentially tasked with concocting lies, which seems a little counter-productive, but hey, that's just me. The so-called trigger has no part in causing us to use, and the addict knows this, trust me. Addicts use because the thought (randomly or deliberately) comes into their minds and then they go use. Thoughts to use occur regardless of what is happening around us, regardless of where we are, what we're looking at, who we are with, or what we are feeling.

     Furthermore, once the thought occurs, there is no getting rid of it. We have already relapsed. We will use as soon as we get the chance, even if we have promptly removed ourselves from our so-called triggers. A&D counselors just don't understand the mental component of addiction. So if you want to know the truth about addiction, this is it. Ask any real addict and they will tell you, "Yes, that is exactly right. That guy must be an addict. Why don't they have people like that at the methadone clinic?" Lol.

     I've had drug counselors spam this blog in the past demanding that I admit I am misguided and that triggers do indeed exist and that avoiding triggers works to keep "most" drug addicts sober and to curb their desire to use. Hold on, excuse me for a second while I try to stop laughing. There is no such thing as avoiding something and then suddenly we don't want to use anymore. But I'm here to help, so let's illuminate a few things for these poor A&D counselors, all too quick to flip the robot switch and recite everything they learned in school. This blog will open your eyes if you let it. Or you can just disagree for no other reason other than because this conflicts with what you think you know.

     When an addict is walking down the street and they see a liquor store and then suddenly they want to drink, even though the counselor was able to push the alcoholic to conjure up some triggers, the truth is that his sudden desire to drink had nothing to do with the liquor store. It is just as likely that I walk right past the liquor store and I see some asshole pull into handicap spot and then I want to drink. It is also just as likely that I walk past the liquor store and the bus pulls up next to me and the exhaust goes in my face and then I want to drink. It is also just as likely that I walk past the liquor store and stare off into space and then I want to drink. It is also just as likely that I walk past the liquor store and nothing happens and then I want to drink. And it is also just as likely that I don't even walk past any liquor store or do anything and I just suddenly want to drink for no reason at all.

     The truth is that triggers do not exist. There is no such thing as a trigger. We can avoid every trigger we can possibly think of and not only will it not keep us from being 'triggered' by something totally new, or rather, nothing at all, but avoiding triggers doesn't stop us from wanting to use because the thought will come for any reason or for no reason. The only trigger that truly exists is simply being alive, breathing, waking up. I used to look out the window and see a cloud and want to get high. Did the could trigger me? Only an idiot would actually think that.

     I only write what I write to help addicts from making the effort to go to treatment, failing, and then getting bummed out because the advice was so wrong and so stupid that they then gave up trying because they are now convinced that the whole treatment thing is utter bullshit, which most of it is, and then they walk away and go use and overdose and die, thus brutalizing their families and suffocating the very spirit of their parents for life, thus ensuring total agony and dread and despair and depression until the very last breath that they take on earth.

     Is it really any wonder why the statistics for addicts completing treatment are so atrocious? And why the heck are we screaming for more federal spending when a) federalized treatment worsens our addiction, and b) our country has over 17 trillion dollars of federal debt, over 70 trillion dollars in total public debt, and over 225 trillion dollars in unfunded liabilities? Are you kidding me?

God, please help guide mainstream treatment to the light...

Friday, August 29, 2014

Most People in AA Are Not Alcoholics

     No offense, but most people who go to AA and say how meetings and the fellowship and calling their sponsor kept them sober all these years are not actually alcoholics. I'm not saying they're not wonderful people who deserve a social group and what have you, but they are not alcoholics. They're actually just pretending to be alcoholics, and again, I really mean no offense. Most people in AA are heavy or even moderate drinkers whose lives are affected by alcohol in some way, but they can stop on their own willpower. They have power over alcohol.

     The true alcoholic is powerless over alcohol. When we are truly powerless, meetings and fellowship and sponsors and sobriety coins and slogan recitation and putting chairs away and stuff cannot keep us sober. It's all good and well, but none of it can keep a true alcoholic from drinking. None of that stuff has the power to lift his obsession, which is basically the equivalent of making a lunatic sane again, which pretty much requires nothing short of a miracle that is earned through rigorous internal work in which the addict's heart, soul and brain are completely rearranged and fundamentally altered.

     The other night, a woman in my friend's group said how the key to recovery is time, though nothing could be further from the truth. She was a sweetheart, but not a real alcoholic. For a real alcoholic, recovery is not a function of time at all. Time gets us worse, not better. Time is only worth as much as the actions we take during said time. I recovered quite suddenly, just like everybody I know who is recovered. Those who recover from alcoholism or addiction have had a spiritual experience that has lifted their obsession to use, restored them to sanity, and established a real and active relationship with God, as if a telephone line has been activated between them and Power, and can be tapped into or accessed when needed.

     Meeting goers are usually types who also fail to be accountable for their addiction, such as a recent ibogaine troll, who said he was a full blown addict right after the very first sip of beer he drank when he was eleven. Listen, we all know addicts are full of shit, but this nonsense is also peddled by mainstream treatment professionals; that we becoming addicts has nothing to do with us, that even the first few times we used was not our choice at all. I really can't think of a more dangerous thing to say, forget about the fact that it is totally false. The very thing preventing addicts from getting better is just this kind of thinking, that NOTHING is our fault because we are born with this disease. 

     Not true. Everything we do is our fault, and this is PRECISELY how we recover: Total honesty and total responsibility.

     We acquire this disease by using over and over and over and over and over and over and over until we finally break ourselves and acquire this allergy or compulsion, coupled with a mental obsession that prevents us from staying stopped once we stop. Believe me, regardless of how sweet and talented and innocent you think you are or you think your child is, every addict in the world puts considerable effort into destroying their bodies and their minds enough to cross that line and become an addict. Nobody is born a full blown addict. Please. That is just wrong on its face. Nobody starts off powerless. Powerlessness is acquired through hard work and effort, i.e drinking or using like a pig, year after year.

     So there is no such thing as an eleven year old having one beer and from then on they are a full blown alcoholic. This is just too ridiculous, and it is typical of our culture today, a culture that promotes finding ways to abscond oneself from taking responsibility for one's self-created problems and illnesses, such as alcoholism. "Well, it's not my fault because I was eleven when I started and right away I was fully blown." I beg of you to understand that it is no one's fault but our own for becoming addicts.

     There is no compulsion, no actual illness or disease, until you have used a thousand times first and acquired this allergy that ANYBODY can acquire, by the way. And I realize how painful it must be to have this stuff explained continuously, but hey, somebody's gotta do it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

You Really Have to Ask Yourself, Why Not?

     I know deep in my heart that there is no miracle drug for addiction, nor can any person, place or worldly thing change us or fix us. We absolutely MUST do the work for ourselves. Only through hard work, faith and courage might we induce a true miracle to occur, and only God Himself can perform such miracles. This I know with every cell in my body.

     So the point of this blog was really just to get people thinking, challenge some perceptions, and to inspire others to employ and engage the prophetical solution contained within the Big Book entitled Alcoholics Anonymous.

     Nine years ago, I had to have others take Steps and witness the relief and spiritual rapture that I myself witnessed while immersed in this process. Today, I have to admit the truth that I don't really care what anybody does or doesn't do. Sure I will continue to share my story and the solution, but there is no compulsion anymore. You really can't chase anybody around, change them, or force them to do anything. Plus, most of us only hear and care about what we want to hear and care about.

     However, I do know that God exists, and I know that if you truly want this incredible and mind-bending liftoff into the 4th dimension of existence, you will get it and get it in spades. I had a very strange and mystical white-light experience and have been forever changed since then. Everything that used to torture me and destroy me and kill me like addiction and depression is just gone. I have always been convinced that this sort of spiritual experience and fundamental psychic change is available to anyone who does the work thoroughly and fearlessly. Today I am not so sure.

     For a miracle to occur, sure we have to do the work, but that's the point, that there are a set of actions that can wholeheartedly restore us to sanity, effect real and lasting change, and eliminate the mental obsession to drink and use drugs. So my only question is, why not? Why not do it and give it everything that we have within us? Why not, if it will free us and give our families peace? Why would we continue to be so unbelievably selfish? Why would we continue to be such cowards when we are putting so many others in such agony?

     "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

God, I pray for all who suffer to find peace, strength, success, joy and wonder...

Monday, August 25, 2014

Problems Are Self-Created

     Most problems are just a figment of our imagination...

     It is important to remember that our minds belong to us. So often we are misguided and mistaken in holding others responsible for what takes place in our own minds. Trust me, it's better not to have this kind of attitude and thinking. Surely we create many of our problems simply by the way in which we think about them. But we can also sit down next to our problems, become the problem, and work through it. In this way, it isn't really a problem at all. It's just what is, it's just what we're doing, just living life, doing what comes next, and living in each moment without attachment.

     The trick is keeping our minds empty, and we cannot achieve this without consistent practice or repeated action as I like to call it (including non-actions such as stillness etc). No person, place or thing can change us, but we can certainly change ourselves. Unfortunately, most of us won't do the work because most of us don't really want to change. Some of us might do a little work and only see limited results and say, 'See! That didn't work... I told you!', but this is not really doing the work anyway because we were expecting something from it, or expecting way too much.

     So we try to just to do the work, everyday, for the sake of doing it, because it's good for us and it's good for others. It also teaches us who we are, and when we understand ourselves perfectly, we can understand everything. As Shunryu Suzuki says, if we understand one thing completely, we understand everything. Working on ourselves gives us the power to deduce just about anything. It give us the ability to see things as they are. And as we get better and better, it all becomes so clear.

     Tibetan Buddhists and Native American tribes like the Navajo engage in the practice of sandpainting - painstakingly constructing beautiful, elaborate and intricate designs with colored sands only to destroy them when finished. The practice is performed and used for various healing ceremonies, to symbolize the concept of impermanence and the fleeting nature of physical life, or just simply to honor the process and the virtue of letting go, not holding on, not needing recognition, and perhaps not engaging in vain admiration.

      It's so easy to forget that the past and the future don't actually exist, so when we go there with our minds, we are in a sort of dissociated state, not in our bodies and not in reality, which is basically a form of torture. Don't visit the past or the future with your mind. Neither exist, so why go there? If we be where we are now and only focus on what we are doing right now, problems and worries essentially vanish, because there is no room for them in an empty mind that is living in the present moment.

     Don't worry, I fail at this all the time. I repeatedly state that what I know always exceeds my actual practice or the reality of my life. I often doubt whether I should be talking or writing at all. One thing I can promise you, though, is that if the anti-free speech powers that be were to suddenly delete this whole site, it wouldn't phase me at all. I am unaffected by this sort of loss. And believe me, not caring (in the healthy way) is pure freedom.

God, teach me how to let go...

Must-Do List For Clueless Addicts

1)Take Steps & Recover.

2) Never Use Again.

3) Go Buy Flowers For Mom.

4) Walk Forward & Never Look Back.

5) Change The World By Changing Yourself.

Counseling & Medication Doesn't Work, Part 1

     It is crucial for addicts, parents and spouses to understand this and not be misled by treatment professionals who don't understand the nature of addiction. Let's face it, if you don't understand addiction, then you don't know what you are treating, let alone how to treat it. Counseling and medication has never truly worked for any really bad addict, and anyone who is really honest (in the deepest possible way) will admit as much.

     The condition of powerlessness cannot be restored via typical human methods. It just isn't possible given the nature of the condition, which is the presence of the mental obsession and a soul that is very sick indeed, a soul that is spiritually bankrupt, starving, and crying out for nourishment. Of course we are all free do whatever we want, just don't be surprised if an addict fails miserably with therapy and medication. In fact, I would expect relapse. And I would definitely expect the addict to remain the exact same person.

     I had severe, clinical depression. Yes, the kind that is bio-chemical. The kind that all sorts of doctors and people claim can only be addressed with medication. Hmmm, that's weird, because guess where my depression is? Gone! Oh wait, guess what again? I'm completely unmedicated, and have been since I began taking Steps almost ten years ago. Upon reading this, many addicts and parents will push the play button in their heads and say,

     "No you're wrong, Charlie. I tried that Step thing or my kid tried AA and relapsed, so it doesn't work for everybody!"

     First of all, which Steps did you actually take? The watered-down non-steps that are so prevalent today in AA and in most treatment centers? And did you sincerely vow to turn your entire life over to this process and to live by spiritual principles? Did you leave anything out of your inventory, even just one little thing? Did you make all of your amends? Did you continue writing inventory, praying and meditating day after day, month after month, year after year? Did you work with other addicts, taking them through the Step process as others did for you? If your addict answers yes, but failed, they are lying to you, trust me. Second, if you actually took Steps the way they were laid out in the original AA text, you would never relapse again. To see why this is, you'll have to go back and read every single previous post, so please go ahead and do that before replying about how the Steps only work for some, or how the Steps failed me or failed my child. The Steps and God don't fail anyone. We fail ourselves.

     Treat the core of the addiction and the chemistry in your brain changes. Actually, it has been neurochemically proven that actions such as prayer and meditation change our brain chemistry. There is now an entire wing at MGH devoted to the effects of meditation and mindfulness. Don't you love how they call Zen Buddhists whackjobs and then once it's proven scientifically, they take all the credit and act like they knew the entire time? There is nothing more arrogant than an f'ing doctor, besides maybe an elected official or a fed chairman.

     But forget about the chemical changes induced by just prayer and meditation. What do you think performing an exorcism of your entire life via a 4th Step written inventory and then reading it for twelve hours and then meditating on it for an hour and then getting on your hands and knees and reaching out for God with single fiber in your being does to you? Yup, that's right. For one, it annihilates your chemical imbalance, and that's just the icing on the cake. In fact, you'll probably be high as shit for a good long while... but high as shit on the Spirit and Power of God. Try that for some medication.

     Before I took Steps and committed my life to spiritual growth and good old fashioned hard work, I was in therapy for years, as well as on various psychotropics, and guess what? I got worse. Much worse.

     Why is that?

     Because I knew deep in my heart that I was lying to myself, avoiding the truth, and ignoring my real problem. I knew I wasn't addressing my core illness. I hope it is starting to become clear what addiction is, that it is nothing but a byproduct of an underlying spiritual malady, or life malady. We don't have a drug problem, we have a life problem. We have no purpose. Simple logic thus dictates that we must be treated spiritually and given a purpose.

     There is absolutely no reason to try to treat every single skew known to mankind with a never-ending buffet of medications. Why do you think doctors are always changing the concoctions, trying new ones, taking some away, adding others? Um, yeah, because they have no fucking clue what they're doing and what they're really giving to you, let alone the long-term danger. Go ahead, try them regularly for a while and then go off of them one day and see what happens. You will turn into a horrifying nightmarish creature, as your depression mutates into suicidal or homicidal psychosis. Sorry, but that can't be good for you... or the local elementary school... or the local movie theatre having a midnight showing of Batman.

     I'm also good with developing Tardive Dyskinesia from too much Seroquel. Adderall and Ritalin will cause this type of brain damage as well, amongst others, and all for a purely situational, social disorder. Put one of those kids on a ropes course or behind a computer and he'll climb to the moon or design a computer and become a billionaire. Ridiculous. Give him an instrument and he'll change the world with beautiful music. Give her a paintbrush and you'll have high society bidding up her abstract paintings. Please never let anyone convince you that ADD is an actual disease.

     Listen, I'm all ears but is it not absolutely insane how hell bent we are on medicating our children into zombies? Does nobody want to deal with anything anymore? I suppose I'm not really surprised. This is what you get when the masses have been programed to expect more and more and more, and all for free, despite the reality that there is no such thing as free. By the way, anything you get for free is taken from somebody else, and take a wild guess what happens when there are more people riding in the cart than there are pulling the cart? Yup, that's right, the cart stops. Brilliant deduction. If we cannot understand this most basic of equations, then please do yourself a favor and pare back your expectations for future prosperity.

     Part 2 re counseling and the futility of trying to figure out why we use coming up soon... We may also get into the dual-diagnosis hoax and why treating multiple disorders in an addict is totally wrong, as again, it is treating the symptoms and not the real problem. There is a difference between symptoms and core disease. Treatment professionals treat the symptoms (which is only a temporary band-aid) whereas the spiritual program of action of the twelve steps treats the core disease. The point is that drug addicts need more talking and more drugs about as much as they need to speedball heroin and crack into their eyeballs.

God, please give me knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out... 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Difference Between a Typical Therapist and a Good Sponsor

     This can be summed up with one simple and inspired anecdote, told by the sponsee of a friend of mine.


     "When I tell my therapist about something that pisses me off, he says, 'Yes I can understand why that would make you angry.' When I tell my sponsor about something that pisses me off, he says, 'What was your wrong in the situation? Don't focus on others, focus on yourself.'"

     Beautiful. Clearly God was speaking through this guy, though I'm sure it was lost on everybody else in the meeting.

     God, please teach us not to ask others for answers but to find them ourselves, to focus not on others but rather ourselves, and to blame not others but rather ourselves... 

The Certification Hoax

     Just removed the self-seeking list of degrees and certifications from my bio on Amazon etc., as they really have nothing to do with anything, nor do they define, symbolize, or reflect my ability to do anything at all.

     As my wife ponders the pressure she is getting to renew some worthless certification that none of her clients care about anyway, let me explain the whole 'certification' thing. Being certified in counseling, for instance, is NOT a determinant of quality of counselor, effectiveness of counselor, professionalism of counselor, integrity of counselor, or being better educated or equipped as a counselor. Associations, organizations, boards, schools etc. are businesses that co-opt an industry for the sole purpose of commercializing and financializing it.

     The phrase "Certified Counselor" or and other acronym which symbolizes certification in a certain field are made up by these organizations to create a certain perception in the eyes of the counselor. This fake, made-up idea of certification seeps into our heads that we are less valid, less capable, less informed and less effective without the certification than we are with it. The idea of certifications is a ruse to make us think that we need them in order to do something, and the sad thing is, nowadays we do!

     But it's not because we actually need them to be a better counselor, but because businesses form relationships with these associations and buy into this nonsense, thus requiring employees to be certified, which means spending hundreds or thousands of dollars and wasting time doing nothing and filling out paperwork to get another piece of paper that says that some random group of people have now certified you and you are ready to go; that is until two years rolls around and you have to pay another few hundred or thousand or whatever to re-certify and take a quick course that does absolutely nothing to make you a better anything.

     My ability to help others has nothing to do with school or degrees or certifications. My ability, like anybody's ability, lies in who I am, in my inherent abilities and talents. Everything I've learned about addiction and recovery I've learned on my own and through my experience. And regarding the Big Book, a few junkies broke down the Big Book to me and that was that. No certification necessary. Just a couple of guys with their heads screwed on straight and common sense intact.

     To be an effective counselor, you simply have to know yourself. That's all. If you understand yourself, you can help anybody.

     Besides that, it's all about personality, passion, articulation, instincts and creativity. And it's about  how much work have you done on yourself. The very best counselors are those who have worked tirelessly on themselves. They have the most to give, they are the most knowledgeable, they have the best instincts and intuition.

     Relying on someone with a degree in this or that, a masters in this or that, or ten certifications in this, that, and the other thing is usually a waste of time, as you frequently get someone who is 100% inept and incompetent. A junkie armed with facts about himself and who has prayed and meditated and made amends and served and given of himself is by far more qualified to help another addict than someone who may be aloof, disconnected, mentally ill, spiritually ill, emotionally unstable, not filled with spirit and has no direct experience whatsoever in the field in which they are working, but, but, but... they have an acronym next to their name.

     And finally, why would I blow all sorts of time and money on a certification just to enter the destroyed economy that is America? If you can't get a job in the thing you just paid 200k to learn, you should get an f'ing tuition refund. What a scam education is. Isn't the point of going to college to ensure that you make more money as opposed to graduating with hundreds of thousands of debt and ending up at Starbucks et al. where they call you a barista to make you feel a little less worthless. Trust me, this is no offense to baristas. I see these highly intelligent, brilliant people slaving to make coffees all day and when we gab for a minute, I soon discover they are a JP Morgan/government debt slaves for life.

     So I ask, just what exactly is the point of a liberal arts degree again? Are we all just sheep who follow the orders of the establishment? And is it any wonder that the most successful people in the entire world dropped out of college or never went altogether? I'm pretty sure they know something that the rest of us suckers don't. But hey, if you can afford it and want to spend 4 years upside down on a keg, then fine, but if you can't, I don't really see the point or the virtue in debt servitude.


     So my job is to tell you the truth and help vaporize the pile of bullshit you've been fed, swallowed and stored up in the attic. What I won't do is lie to you, try to sound smart, or ramble on about shit I know nothing about like your average therapist, addictions counselor, psychiatrist, academic, intellectual, meeting goer, keynesian economist, news anchor, politician, president, government agency, methadone clinic, etc. etc. etc.

     I could, however, use a little help with the parents. I can handle the drug addicts and alcoholics but, truth be told, I can't understand POAs as much as I wish I could, as I have no direct experience with that and I've never been deceived and spiritually tortured by anyone to that degree, other than myself of course. Where the heck is Notmyboy? She nailed it and was a fantastic writer. Parents absolutely need to read her and learn from her.

     I used to only censor straight up hate speech, and even that only happened once or twice, but I'm becoming more and more inundated with emails and comments and I don't have the time nor do I care to read and publish all of the nonsense. I truly hate bickering with others. It is so toxic. Trolls are so good at trying to suck you in, and everybody knows that misery loves company.

     I try not to stereotype, but I will say that the ibogaine folks appear to be somewhat nuts. I did some research for that post and observed them on various forms becoming totally unraveled. Many of them were hysterical, incoherent, verbally abusive. Maybe I'm missing something, but they all seem unstable and rather touched. I personally know a few people who took acid and went nuts permanently, ending up in asylums. It's almost as if these guys are sort of perma-tripping.

     Here is a portion of a recent comment from an ibogaine lunatic and obvious troll, "I guess I was mistaken in thinking your blog was about helping the still suffering addict. Seems you have other motives. Funny too since your post doesn't mention anything about propping up a fragile ego or profiting from the suffering of others. I am referring to your making money selling "recovery" as you call it."

     And then you get blessed souls like this, "Looks like someone has been doing their research. I appreciate that fact! Love that you know the TRUTH...not just spiritually, but in regards to the realities of this physical realm as well. God has done tremendous work in you and look how He's able to use you to speak TRUTH into other's lives as well. We are surely in the last days...darkness is growing darker and the light is getting lighter. God said he would bring all things to light and the enemy's lies, deceit and hidden agendas are being revealed. Thanks for all you do brother! Keep it truly are in the Army of God!!!"

     Let me mention a few things just to clear it up for all of the losers out there. See Why I Do This for greater elaboration on why I've wasted so much of my time writing all of this shit.

     One frequent criticism I get, such as from the above ibogaine troll, is that I'm just selling books and profiting off of the suffering of others. Lol. Classic. What a cop out. You could say that about anything and anyone. Jealous types are doing this quite a bit now in this country. Thanks to the disgusting propaganda from the powers that be, making money is now considered evil, and in America of all places, where free enterprise and freedom to excel is EXACTLY what built this country and made it great.

    But don't fret, because there is no profit in this. There is no book deal. There is no glory in publishing my dirty, humiliating past and my experience as a selfish, deranged, disgusting drug addict. There is no glory is exposing my endless failures, and my eventual path to recovery.

     Doesn't this guy know that the only people who make money writing books these days are vacant celebrities, soft pornographers, sociopathic presidents and politicians, and x-chairsatans of the federal reserve? Guys like me who self-publish books through don't make money, so I hate to disappoint you. But oh the brutal irony of an addict complaining about someone making money after robbing our mothers and fathers and God only knows who or what else because we refused to lift a finger unless it involved a pipe, bottle, needle or straw. So ridiculous. What a bunch of whiny socialists we've all become.

     Addicts and those with a similar fiber tend to believe the manchurian propaganda out of Washington that successful people are all evil and should be hung up and robbed blind, which is, of course, a loser mentality, for we are the ones who leech and suck and feed off the sweat, perseverance and ingenuity of others. If self-proclaimed victims (addicts, etc.) actually produced something and weren't jealous and dependent on the very people they hate and are jealous of, I guarantee you they wouldn't be repulsed by the notion of making money. It's self-repulsion, to be sure, projected onto those of us who work, create, produce and actually add and give back to the economy and the society as a whole.

     Lastly, one of the more accurate accusations is that I don't care about recovering addicts. I do care, but only to the extent that you get yourself better to provide relief to your mothers. I care about the people who you are ripping apart at the seams - your parents, spouses, children and siblings. Addicts need to be humbled and then offered a solution that works to build them back up. We are not doormats and I've never advocated guilt and self-pity. On the contrary, we take Steps and do this work to stand with our two feet on the ground and to look the world in the eye. We do this work to become confident and strong men and women who can love and forgive ourselves and others, and contribute something useful to the people around us and to the greater, larger world.

     But hey, you know what, maybe I'll throw a bone to, say, the ones who bash me about my own personal and honest experience going to AA meetings on what is, gee, my own blog, and go to one of the plethora of shitty meetings around here ;-)

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


    So I used to smoke a quarter ounce of indoor kind bud from Humboldt County everyday while my dreadlocks picked up various forms of bacteria and scum from the other delusional lunatics I sat around with in a circle before reggae band practice to bring Jah's message to the people because we were oppressed and downtrodden white boys from gorgeous, affluent North Shore towns of Eastern Massachusetts who were clearly and undoubtedly oppressed by the Babylon system. Now, I realize our government is completely backwards, but if you think smoking pot all day long out of a coconut is a sign of health and virtue, than you definitely need some help. Pot is for jokers.

     Regarding the action of THC, Wikipedia states, "Via CB1 activation, THC indirectly increases dopamine release and produces psychotropic effects. Cannabidial also acts as an allosteric modulator of the mu and delta opioid receptors." But since people only hear either what they want to hear or what they completely disagree with, and are therefore uneducable and unintelligible, let's just use everyday language and experiential facts to shred the notion that pot is totally cool, not addictive, and not harmful in any way, shape or form. I mean, come one, it is the healing of the leaves of the fruit of the tree of life, dude, right?

     I'm sure there are tons of parents out there whose addicts have somehow managed to convince you that smoking pot all day is completely fine, not addictive, and can easily be controlled and kept to just pot. Hold on, excuse me while I go laugh. Do you know how f'ing high you get when you smoke pot, especially the type of pot that is grown today, with all of the hybrids and genetic modifications? Do you know that there are actual and severe withdrawal effects, which is the primary criteria for physical dependency? Trust me, any opiate addict telling you they are just going to smoke pot from now on = guaranteed relapse.

     I used to smoke pot 24/7. In fact, I was obsessed and thought it was sent to the earth to save my life and heal me spiritually. I studied the crystal formations under a microscope in total awe. As well, I used it compulsively. Physical addiction is characterized by the presence of craving and withdrawal, both of which I experienced constantly and in spades. One hit was never enough, and as soon I took a draw, I craved more and more. That is physical dependency, my friends. If I took one hit and couldn't continue smoking more and more, it was a like being tortured. That is physical addiction, my friends. And after smoking non-stop for weeks or months and then running out, watch the fuck out. My brain went absolutely berserk, given that our brains are altered (re-wired) chemically when we smoke pot regularly, as they get used to the steady flow of THC.

     What do you think happens when you suddenly take away that flow of mental AND PHYSICAL relief?

     That's right, you go insane. I became profoundly depressed, bored, anxious, restless, discontent, dissatisfied, verbally abusive, and totally lost my tempter. And every honest addict I've worked with personally has shared a similar experience. I had some poor guy telling me that pot has been scientifically proven not to be physically addictive? OMG, this is absolutely delusional, and if someone tells you that, run the other way.

     And it may not be your addict trying to bullshit you. Perhaps you yourself smoke pot regularly and need to rationalize your chronic pot use by telling yourself it's not addictive. Hey, we can tell ourselves whatever we want to, but that doesn't change the fact that pot is a drug and it is affecting your brain, and you will suffer when you run out. Ayn Rand brilliantly said, "You can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality."

     The bottom line is that pot gets you high as shit. When we smoke pot we are erecting a brick wall between us and getting better, between us and clarity and honesty, between us and sanity, between us and God. Mood-altering drugs are the antithesis of mental and spiritual health and true wellness. Plus, do you really want to be that way? Do you really want to need to smoke pot to be okay? Do you want to be seen or known as that guy who puffs tough everyday and walks around with bloodshot, lifeless, and spiritual destitute eyes and dry-mouth, trying to dissociate from the world and from reality until you get that pint in your hands as you plop down on the couch and continue doing absolutely nothing for anybody else but yourself, not to mention the simple task of human responsibility.

     Pot smokers? LMFAO. Please. Grow up, be honest, conrtibute something, and be an example for the rest of us. What a bunch of deadbeats.

P.S. The guy who said pot was not addictive said that it was only 'psychologically addictive'. Wow. Let me help. That term itself is an oxymoron, as an addiction is a physical condition. But the term as it is used refers to something that is ephemeral, not tangible, and thus there is really no such thing. It makes no sense, given the meaning of the two words. That said, even an emotional addiction is physical. Emotions are a form of energy, created by changes in the brain, which is physical. 

     But even the above understanding is neither here nor there because pot is also physically addictive, as the body undergoes a physical response when the drug is removed or wears off, just like the body undergoes a physical response when the drug is smoked or ingested and rockets to your brain and central nervous system.

God, please help us... 

"Why Are Recovering Alcoholics So Selfish?"

     Just came across this search phrase:

     "Why are recovering alcoholics are so selfish?"

     So sad, especially given the entire program of Alcoholics Anonymous warns that untreated and unattended selfishness will kill us whether we are using or not.

     "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles...  So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible." -Alcoholics Anonymous, p.62

     Selfishness and AA is actually an oxymoron, though you wouldn't know it today. The 12 Steps and selfishness are incompatible, but sadly, mainstream AA today has little to do with showing alcoholics how to recover. The new age of easier, softer ways is infecting newcomers with a sort of watered-down breed of selfish AA, all too willing to ignore the original wisdom and magic of the removal of self. Recovering from addiction effectively and fundamentally was once about two things: God and service. And now? Admittedly, I have no idea.

     A recent commenter asserted with some confidence that recovering and recovered mean the same thing, that it's just "SEMANTICS." Lol. First, since the meaning of words is all we have to convey different ideas, the notion that they are the same thing is absurd. And this is sort of irrelevant, but semantics, as it were, is the branch of linguistics concerned with meaning (sense, reference, context, implication etc.), so the cliche' "It's just semantics" disproves the very point it's trying to make on its face. It's almost as bad as when people say, "I could care less", which means anything but the sentiment they want to convey. If you could care less about something, then you care about it. "I couldn't care less" is the proper phraseology. No offense.

     At any rate, the above search question obviously comes from some poor soul who is suffering the presence of someone 'in recovery', and it is proof the two terms are completely different. 'Recovered' individuals have a completely different attitude than the recovering man-child who still sees himself or herself as a victim and sees everything and everyone as an extension of his or her self, which sort of defines what it means to be a narcissist.

     By contrast, 'recovering' alcoholics continue to be preoccupied with themselves - their comfort, their needs, their feelings. Don't worry, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no angel myself, but I am aware of how selfish I was and I know when I'm still being selfish because I write inventory, which is also an active effort to remove the selfishness. This is crucial because selfishness is one of the most destructive forms of spiritual poison that exist. I also try to take care of my family and give most of my free time to this shit when sure I'd rather be playing golf or whining about my life in some meeting. Kidding, kidding... relax.

     Remember, what we all do is creating the world we leave behind, so forget about just being your average sheep who has yet to wake up, being an active addict or a selfish recovering alcoholic sulking around and hanging on by a thread is unacceptable. And given those who are currently in power are doing one helluva job wrecking the country and the rest of the world, the future could use as much help as possible.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Ingrate Resentment Inventory

"God, help me to see those things that block me from You and Others."

1st Column (who?)


2nd Column (what?)

a. They're ungrateful. And entitled.

3rd Column (Affects my...?)

Affects my: P/A (Pride/Ambition)  SE (Self-esteem) P/SR (Personal or Sexual Relations)

4th Column (How was I...?)

Self-Seeking: I want to be seen as a shining example of tolerance and humility [which I'm not].

Selfish: I want others to think the way I think and be the way I am.

Dishonest: I am without question an ingrate, especially when I was an active addict, and resenting this in others not only reflects it in myself but helps me to avoid taking responsibility for my own lack of gratitude.

Fear: I'm afraid to love others, to love myself.

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen." - 7th Step Prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous, p.76

More on Working With Others

From Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.93-94:

     "Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.
     When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don't raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.
     Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why is convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.
     Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own."

God, please give me the strength and willingness to continue growing along spiritual lines, that I may be useful to You and others...

Addict Newsflash:

     The degree to which you recover and the degree of relief and inner peace you receive is directly proportional to the amount of right action you take. 

More Laws & Government is Totally Wrong

     Just read another blogger who is sort of a Keynesian, big government type who writes that lawmakers are failing to enact laws to keep children safe from opiates. Um, laws can't keep children safe from opiates. In fact, government monopoly protections and manchurian government puppets of the corporate elite are the very reasons why opiates are being produced, marketed and prescribed like Skittles. More laws and more government is the absolute LAST thing we need.

     There is nothing anybody or any government can do to keep people from using drugs and drinking alcohol. It is also human nature to want to do something that some power-hungry idiot tells you not to do. The best way to un-tempt people is to decriminalize drugs and drug use. If you believe that more government and more laws are going to keep kids off drugs and keep kids from overdosing, I'm not sure I can help you. You're asking a collection of ego-maniacal psychopaths to help drug addicts, a group of people who don't care about anything other than satisfying corporate lobbyists in return for campaign money, which translates into votes. And remember, the candidates who promise the most free stuff to the masses get elected, so you are being played for a fool by voting that way.

     For every law that is enacted criminalizing drugs or funding watered-down treatment/education programs, there is a clause protecting the interests of the pharmaceutical elite, thus ensuring more pills and more profit. Who do you think writes these laws anyway, such as the affordable care act, which was written by insurance lobbyists? It is naive to think that government can or even wants to just do the right thing. Government doesn't exist to do the right thing. Government doesn't exist for the people or for your children. Government exists for government and government only.

     Isn't it painfully obvious by now that the bigger government grows, the more everything and everyone suffers. The economy suffers, the job market suffers, free enterprise suffers, small business suffers, wealth creation suffers, individual thought suffers, individual freedom and privacy suffers, creativity suffers, self-sustainability suffers, self-dependence suffers, your savings suffer, your retirement suffers, your safety and security suffer, your standard of living suffers, and the future of your children suffer as government engages in the all-out insanity of false war narratives, false flag attacks, occupations, interventions, war crimes, money printing, parabolic debt accumulation, spying, surveillance, militarization of local police forces, and the buying tanks and bullets for the DHS, which is a civilian, inter-border agency.

     No offense, but you have to be sort of touched, like sort of brainwashed, to actually be asking for more government and more laws. Do yourself and your kids a favor and stop drinking the Kool Aid.

     At any rate, it is the excessive amount of laws that help to keep kids on drugs. Let me explain. To begin with, released documents have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that the CIA buys most of the hard drugs that enter America. The government and the CIA are directly respinsible for keeping drugs on the street. Furthermore, when more laws are written to criminalize drugs and drug use, kids actively seek out drugs, get hurt, get killed, overdose and go to prison. When prohibition ended and alcohol was re-leglalized, crime and underage use fell off a cliff.

     You will say, "Well people will just sell the drugs on the black market anyway."

     Is alcohol sold underground to kids? Nope. And neither would drugs because there is no incentive. Once you give something to everybody, you take away the lure and they no longer want it. Take something away, and they want it compulsively and obsessively. Like guns. What happens when the stupid government passes a new gun law? Everybody runs out and buys guns and ammo like there's no tomorrow, which isn't a bad idea, by the way, considering the current DHS is buying up thousands of automatic weapons, billions of hollow-point rounds, and thousands of armored tanks to use against its own people, which is rather despotic, totalitarian, unconstitutional and insane, don't you think?

     Did you know that seniors are selling pills to get by? This is what government is doing - destroying the value of pensions and stealing them outright, thereby crushing middle class seniors and anybody else who is responsibly trying to stay out of debt and save money. Government keyensian policies are pure lunacy, and yet they give imbeciles like Paul Krugman a soap box in the NYT and a Nobel Prize in economics, which sort of makes sense considering the job of academic economists is to be completely wrong, considering there is no such thing as science when is comes to economics, markets, cycles, history, the future, and 7 billion people.

     All government cares about is expanding and enriching themselves and maintaining power. They really don't care if you go broke, lose your house, lose your family and die. You are nothing but a tax slave, to be farmed and sheered until you can no longer produce. Banker bailouts, ZIRP and QE ensure that anybody saving money will be squashed and penalized to the max. The government and the fed HATE savers. They want everybody to spend everything they have and then rack up as much debt as humanly possible. Why? Because it spurs inflation which transfers wealth to the oligarchs and keeps government sociopaths in power, while padding the fed and the bankers. That's all they care about - power.

     "Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in its wider sense." Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, p. 32.

     "When taxes are too high, people go hungry. When government is too intrusive, people lose their spirit. Act for the people's benefit. Trust them; leave them alone. 75
     If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn to follow them.66
     When they think they know the answers, people are difficult to guide. When they know that they don't know, people can find their way. 65
     If a nation is centered in the Tao [God], if it nourishes its own people and doesn't meddle in the affairs of others, it will be a light to all nations in the world. 61
     Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. Center your country in the Tao [God] and evil will have no power... Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself. 60
     If a country is governed with tolerance, the people are comfortable and honest. If a country is governed with repression [and corruption & fraud] [like America], the people are depressed and crafty. 58
     The more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be. The more weapons you have, the less secure people will be. The more subsidies you have, the less self-reliant people will be. Therefore the Master says: I let go of the law, and people become honest. I let go of economics, and people become prosperous. I let go of religion, and people become serene. I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good becomes as common as grass." 57 - Tao Te Ching.

     "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he." - Proverbs 29:18

     "Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked."  - Proverbs, 25:26

     "Woe to those who make evil statutes and to those who constantly record unjust decisions." Isaiah 10:1.

     "If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand." - Mark 3:24

     "The way to crush the bourgeoisie [middle class] is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation." - Vladimir Lenin

     "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw

Some key financial/political stuff:

Another Crisis of Confidence in the Dollar is Coming
Who Rules America?
Why Obama is Bombing the Caliph
Protests Turn to Free For All...
Pentagon's 1033 Program is Preparing for War Against Civil Population
Ultimate Goal of the NSA is Total Population Control

God, please be with us and keep us close to You...

Don't Listen To Me

     You really shouldn't listen to me or anybody else. The best way to get better is to find the answers yourself and figure it out on your own. This is simply my experience as a hopeless alcoholic and drug addict, my seemingly endless journey of failures, and the spiritual solution of the Twelve Steps, which changed my life and the lives of my family members more than words can describe.

     That being said, considering thousands of us have employed this exact program of action and are now completely recovered with amazing lives, I think it matters what we think. Don't you?

     Sure this is tough stuff and it challenges you and your most cherished beliefs, but the proof is in the pudding. You should see before and after pictures of my life - one without God and His principles and a rigorous program of action, and one with. I'll take the 'with' along with the hard work any day.

God, I pray for everybody else to have what I want for myself - peace, serenity, happiness, joy, love, health, success and prosperity...

Wait, Our Genes Should Excuse What?

So our "genetic predisposition" should just excuse...

     Ripping your heart out?

     Being proud that our clever lies and deceptions have worked on you so well?

     Making up stories without so much as a thought of what they might do to others?

     Becoming verbally abusive and fabricating arguments out of thin air because we need an excuse to leave in a huff because we're going into withdrawal and need to go pick up?

     Satisfying ourselves in any way we want and at all costs, even if we leave a trail of victims and broken hearts behind?

     Never being accountable or taking responsibility for anything, ever?

     Never helping, giving, serving, pitching in, being useful, contributing, creating or producing anything?

     Sabotaging every opportunity others have given their time and effort to create for us?

     Burning bridges willingly and with no guilt whatsoever?

     Leeching off of taxpayers for handouts like food stamps and methadone when we are perfectly capable of working even a menial fucking job out of principle because taxpayers shouldn't have to support our selfishness problem?

     Stealing money, racking up debt and not paying a cent back to our creditors?

     Thinking that we are special and unique and different and no one suffers like we do and therefore we have the birthright to drink and get high as much as we want?

     Acting like nobody understands, like we are victims, and like the world and everybody in it somehow owes us something?

     Not having any purpose other than pleasuring ourselves and remaining comfortable?

     Mutilating and abusing ourselves?

      Denying that we are anything but complete cowards, refusing to doing anything that might be incompatible with our ever-widening comfort zone, such as growing up?

     Or any other selfish and asinine thing we ever do...

     ... just because we may or may not have a genetic predisposition to drink alcohol?


     Oh, and anyone out there pumping the 'blame our genes' thing, have you actually seen the science, looked into a petri dish and observed the alcoholic allele with your own two eyes? And even if you have observed the DNA of a generational alcoholic, which you haven't, would you even have the slightest clue what you're looking at?

     Yup, that's what I thought. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Unfortunate Leniencies of Therapy

     "Um, Mom, Dad... it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault that I stole your jewelry and totaled the car while trying to sniff an OC 80 on Interstate 95. It wasn't me, Mom, Dad, 'cause you see, my therapist said it was your fault. I was kinda neglected and shit, guys... you know? You know what I'm sayin, dog?"

     "Uhh, Mom, uhh Dad... I learned in therapy today that I use because I've been a victim of Dad not coming to soccer games and Mom getting an extra job to support the family, so it makes perfect sense for me to use drugs... like... a lot. So, I know you're mad that I got kicked out of school but it's really not my fault. Actually, it's your fault. But I forgive you."

    "Uh, duh... Mom, uh Dad... my therapist said I drink because I'm depressed and angry, and it's most likely from repressed, subconscious fear of abuse I have buried from early childhood or even maybe some psychic scars from a past life yo, soooo... it's kinda your guys' fault that I got arrested for assault and battery after dropping 10 hits of acid and sniffing a couple 8-balls at the Fugazi show."

     "Hey Pops, um, listen... I totaled another one of your cars but it wasn't actually me that totaled the car, it was my bipolar and ADHD. Even though I was high and drunk as shit, the true culprit was my (fictional) ADD, which made me not be able to pay attention to the road, er, um, I mean not be able to pay attention to the tree 10 feet off the road that I hit while unconscious because I couldn't concentrate because of the ADD that you guys gave me in my genes and it made me tired and so I passed out, and yeah and stuff... so I need like a quick thou ($1000) to get the ($500 worth of) work done on your car. Sorry pops, won't happen again... unless my genetic ADD crops up again." Phone rings. "Yo, Pablo man, he bought it! I'll be down in like 10 to pick up, papi! Actually wait, make that 30 'cause I got no car 'cause my stupid fucking Dad totaled it. Hahahaha, I know, what a dumbass! Dude sucks my ass!"

     So therapy let me off the hook. It allowed me to think of myself as a victim, despite the fact that there is no such thing. But I was validated by some quackpot and I could go around thinking I was a victim of my genes, my parents, the world around me. I made myself different and unique from everybody, and made everybody else my enemy. Therapy had the audacity to root all of my pain and suffering on someone or something other than me, like 'wanh, my Dad.' Please. If one of these know-it-all's had just told me to GET OVER IT, that would have been the best and only advice I ever needed. Getting better and growing as a person has nothing to do with blaming others and being a victim. It has everything to do with total responsibility and total honesty.

     It seems to me that psychology and psychiatry are but a tools to cripple the population. Make everybody believe they have a myriad of problems and medicate them to the hilt. Isn't that the goal? The explosion in mental illness and psychiatry in America has astutely coincided with the explosion in pharmaceuticals, but also with the climax of American power and an out-of-control government. The industry has been co-opted by Big brother and their Big pharma puppetmasters, who keep your spineless, career politicians elected in office in order to carry out the orders of said lobbyists. I realize it sounds rather devious, but do yourself a favor and just think about it before you blow 250 bucks on one of these Ivy League clowns.

    And let's say you do finally 'work out' all your issues after 10 years and 200k. At that point, you will have no doubt accumulated all sorts of new problems that will also need to be worked out! Lol. Wow. The combination of the money these guys make and the prestige we afford them is so ridiculous that I really don't know what else to say.

Do You Really Want to Recover?

     Sadly, the millions who fail, despite what they might tell you, don't really want to get better. They don't really want to change. They are scared shitless to be honest. They are scared to recover and be happy. Happiness is a foreign language to addicts, whereas chaos and misery are our best friends. Failure sets the bar at zero, and then we never have to worry about disappointing people. We never have to worry about becoming too successful and dealing with the risk and discomfort of loss. Truly, we are cowards.

     Any addict who really wants to change, will. Any addict who really wants God and puts Him before anything will be touched.

     I'm sure other alcoholics and addicts, like I did, will tell you all about wanting to change but that it's 'just so hard, and oh you have no idea, and boy if you were me you'd be relapsing left and right as well.' Don't believe him or her because it isn't possible for a human being to be more full of shit. We have no intention of stepping outside of our comfort zones for one second, as our comfort and pleasure come first before all else, even at the expense of hurting you or anybody else. Even at the expense of wasting our lives, sucking resources from others who actually give a shit, contributing to the world, or being a responsible human being with a meaning and a purpose.

    The truth is that I didn't get better for or because of anyone or anything in my life. There are two reasons, and two reasons only. 1) I became disgusted with how much of a coward I was. 2) I didn't want to be soul sick for the rest of my life and live in that state of torture... not to mention the risk I was taking regarding my afterlife.

    At any rate, the people who recover are people who have decided they want God more than drugs and alcohol and will lay down their lives and everything they have to get it. We need to realize that God doesn't just zap some lazy, repulsive addict who sits on his or her ass doing nothing, or who even works at it a bit but deep down inside they really don't want to stop, nor do they truly want to be recovered. For some, happiness is just too far a bridge to cross. For others, the very idea of success is enough to unravel them. Ridiculous, I know, but true. Chaos and misery are familiar territory and keep the bar low enough such that no one expects us to be okay, ensuring that others lay off when we fail.

     I write this blog for several reasons, but one of them is to help people understand what being recovered means. Even most addicts have no idea what it means because it's a condition they have no experience with. I wish with all my heart that every addict in the world meets a recovered person who is a changed man or woman and becomes so inspired that they come to put God first before everything. Only then will he or she have a psychic change and know what it is like to be completely free inside. You must know what it is like to have total power over drugs and alcohol, over the thoughts in your head, over your emotions, over your life, over your soul. Recovered means that your drug and alcohol problem has vanished. There is no struggle. You don't care about drugs anymore.

     Yes, this is possible. You just have to give your whole self to this process. Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. 

     So my brain is 100% immune to relapse. Why? Because God comes first in my life. If our spiritual growth does not come first, then it doesn't matter who we are, no addict will ever make it. This is the one and only requirement to getting and staying recovered. It's really that simple.

Let's Destroy Some Myths

1) Triggers exist.

     Triggers don't exist. Breathing is a trigger. The only trigger that exists is the fact that I'm alive. Triggers, as taught by the mainstream addiction and treatment community, are a myth concocted by people who don't understand what addiction is and have created this idea of triggers out of thin air. Nothing that happens externally causes us to use. We use because we are addicts and we want to use all the time. It is a reflex to drink or use once you become an addict or an alcoholic. Triggers are just flimsy excuses we use to justify or try to rationalize relapse, of which there is no rationalization or justification.

2) Avoiding people, places and things 'that make us want to use' is an effective strategy or (gulp) even a solution.

     This myth assumes that triggers exist, which they do not. Addicts and alcoholics have no idea what they are avoiding because anything and everything has the potential to make them want to use. I feel happy and want to use. I look at a tree and want to use. The sky is blue, I want to use. Get it? There are no triggers, other than being alive. We want to use from the second we open our eyes in the morning to the second we pass out at night. 

     Avoiding people, places and things doesn't curb our desire or obsession to drink or use. If you put me on the North Pole, I still want to get jammed and plastered all day long... and guess what? I'll figure out a way. Academics and drug counselors are so clueless it actually hurts me to have to write this stuff. Why isn't anybody in mainstream treatment teaching you the truth?  

3) Reasons exist.

     If you ask any alcoholic or drug addict why he drinks or uses, he will try to think about it for a moment and then tell you he has no idea. Yeah, that's because there is no reason. We drink and use because we want to drink and use. Trust me, we love drugs. We're obsessed with them. Do you know I used to study marijuana buds under a light and microscope in awe of them. Weed was my first love. And then OxyContin came along and I literally thought I'd died and gone to heaven... until I bought a bag of heroin. 

     Sure there is an emptiness inside and a spiritual malady, but there is no specific reason, and oh, by the way, everybody is empty and suffers spiritually to some extent but they don't get jammed out of their fucking skulls all day long. The same two people can be thoroughly abused while one becomes a junkie and the other becomes a great success. The same two people can be thoroughly loved while one becomes a great success and the other becomes a junkie. The 'reason' myth is an idea peddled by therapists, psychologists, counselors and mainstream treatment centers in an effort to stay in business.

     Giving an addict reasons why they use is also one the dumbest thing I can think of. Now every time we relapse or do some stupid thing, we can blame it on one of our myriad of fake reasons (like mommy or daddy) thus avoiding total responsibility and accountability. Addicts will talk you silly. Psychotherapy and addiction don't mix. The fabrication of reasons is totally counter-productive. It's also arrogant to think that these sham social sciences are anything more than just a bunch of opinions, i.e. byproducts of ego. 

   4) Over time you'll be able to drink or use moderately again. You're not physically doomed for life like those negative, hopeless AA cultists try to profess.

     These are lies told to you by programs like Rational Recovery and Smart Recovery and the self-seeking quacks who write books like Beyond Addiction and so forth. Telling an alcoholic/addict that they can drink/use again moderately is completely insane. If you have the body of an alcoholic or a drug addict, you can never safely ingest drugs or alcohol. After decades of sobriety, the body of an addict reacts the same way it used to. And yes it is progressive. Sure we can recover but that doesn't mean we can drink or use again. Life-long abstinence is the only option for alcoholics and addicts. Loss of physical control is a permanent situation. Any honest alcoholic or drug addict will confirm this for you.

5) Alcoholics and addicts never recover. They will forever be struggling and in recovery. They will forever want to use. You always have to keep an eye on them and be forever vigilant, especially if they miss their meetings.

     Complete bullshit. And by the way, I'd rather stab myself in the head with a sharp object repeatedly than go to a meeting ;-)

     I was a chronic drug addict and black-out alcoholic from age 13 to 28 and I haven't had a single thought to use, drink or self-destruct since I was restored to sanity more than 9 years ago. I am completely okay without drugs and alcohol. Sure I used to love them with all my heart but I replaced my addiction with something as powerful as the addiction itself, and in fact, much more powerful indeed. I never suffer unbearably and there is nothing I cannot handle. I have no fear of life or people or failure or acceptance or whatever. I am not tortured by what I haven't accomplished in life. I am happy to simply live without distraction or achievement, and I would love for all of the pill-pushing psychiatrist charlatans out there to explain that. Please explain my current un-medicated condition after telling me that I would forever need to be medicated.

6) Pot is not a drug and it's not addictive. If you're an addict and you just keep it to pot, you're okay.

     I knew a psychiatrist who told this once to an addict friend of mine who was a patient of his.

     Marijuana is a drug. Fact. It is highly addictive. Fact. Let's elaborate, briefly. First, addiction crosses all lines. Any mood-altering substance that acts on the dopaminergic reward system of the brain will trigger the same physiological response in the body of an addict. Regarding the action of THC, Wikipedia states, "Via CB1 activation, THC indirectly increases dopamine release and produces psychotropic effects. Cannabidial also acts as an allosteric modulator of the mu and delta opioid receptors." Let me translate that for you. Marijuana acts on the same type of receptors that opiates, stimulants and alcohol do. Anyone who thinks they are sober and not addicted if all they do is smoke pot out of a chalice all day is 100% delusional. Just wanted to clear that up.

7) You're sober and in recovery if you're on Methadone or Suboxone.


     I hate to break it to you, but these drugs are in the same class as heroin and OxyContin. They're all morphine-based synthetic opiates. An addict on Methadone or Suboxone is the farthest thing from sober (or well) I can think of, short of someone with a needle sticking out of their aortic valve. But hey, if substituting one opiate for another can be equated with recovery, than the world we now live in is so ridiculous, backwards and gutless that I should probably stop wasting my time writing about addiction. I really don't know why so many poor parents fall for this shit considering it is even scientifically wrong.

8) Vivitrol injections work.

     Addicts suffer from the mental obsession and getting a vivitrol injection quite obviously does not lift the mental obsession, as it is a well-established and cemented form of insanity. Addicts are insane. Achieving physical sobriety does not remove this insanity. The mind of an addict is still very much broken and no amount of time will fix him or her until they have undergone an entire psychic change. A sober addict still has no willpower and has lost the power of choice, and thus if and when the thought to drink or use creeps into his head, he have no defense against it. Sober addicts are still subject to relapse at any point in time. But when we are restored to sanity, our power of choice is restored. Substitution drugs and vivitrol cannot make us sane and restore the power of choice, so watch out. Any addict on one of these drugs will relapse at some point, and that is not a matter of opinion. Trust me, it is only a matter of time. Relapse is inevitable.

9) Most addicts have co-occuring disorders and should be dual-diagnosed and treated for depression, bipolar and ADD, as well as addiction. Addiction never occurs in a vacuum.

     Just like social diseases such as ADD, the notion of dual-diagnosis is a hoax. If you are an addict, then you also have anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 1a, 2b, 4t, and 17z, blah, blah, blah. It's called being not well. You're either okay or you're not okay. You don't need a specific disorder and treatment for every single blemish known to man, unless you're an establishment puppet who believes everything they hear on TV or from government. If you are an addict or an alcoholic and you treat the addiction, you treat everything else. Let me explain. Underneath addiction, alcoholism, or any of these other maladies, is a spiritual illness. And if our problem is spiritual in nature, than so must be our solution. Simple as that. Why complicate everything?

10) AA and God is just another addiction. God is just a concept that recovering addicts use as a crutch.

     I am recovered and I fully understand that it takes hard work and courage to get better. I also understand that God is Power and is responsible for the profound change that I endured. I had a sudden, fundamental change in my mind, heart and soul. Obsession gone. Urges gone. Fear gone, Depression gone. Serotonin levels restored. Recovered. That's not science or the product of any faculties I possess.

    But then Charlie, you must be some sort of freak now, no?

    So, have I grown a beard, cut off my balls, and joined the brethren in seclusion? Nope. Not at all. Not a hero. Not very pious or reverent. Don't go to church, although I probably should now that I have a family, was born a Christian and believe in Christ. I should probably get re-baptized as well, given that I was a screaming infant the first go around, not to mention that fact that I became a selfish, Godless addict and hurt others for half of my life.

     And finally, God is not a concept. God is/was before any of us. Don't get caught up in words, which are so unnecessarily loaded. It's way beyond human conception, so let's not get too bent about it.

God, help us to be still and know...

Comment/Response on Selfishness, Morality & "Stigma"

Comment:       Alcohol use disorder/ substance use disorder/ severe depression are not caused by selfishness of self-centeredness. T...