tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post8043056765265992772..comments2023-09-22T08:12:25.535-04:00Comments on THE PRIVILEGED ADDICT : Pissing Active Addicts Off Tells Me I'm Doing Something RightCharliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04183269305957041463noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-39735662464310886752020-01-07T09:01:56.326-05:002020-01-07T09:01:56.326-05:00Hi Charlie, Ive just found this page, and Im so gl...Hi Charlie, Ive just found this page, and Im so glad I did. Im a straight talking, common sense type person, solution based mentality, successful in most aspects of my life.<br />BUT after a long and heartbreaking relationship with an alcoholic, and to be honest a history of 'the wrong guy' I have found myself confronting co dependency issues, and trying to kick myself up the arse for all the enabling I have done, but sadly continue to do.<br />My partner finally went into rehab after I left him and he realised at last what a problem he had. <br />He had a gap between rehab and the extended care program over christmas, and as he seemed to have suddenly 'found himself' and seemed genuinely saddened by his treatment of me, his kids (not mine), his wife, his family, his friends etc, I thought we may have a chance, so I let him come to me for the holidays. <br />What I have discovered is that now he has a new focus of blame. Rehab and AA have told him that none of this behaviour is his fault, so he is still the same uncaring angry victim he always was, although not drinking.<br />Apparently thats ok, as it takes years to get through the steps, so he doesnt need to deal with his selfishness and lack of gratitude until way down the line.<br />ITS MADDENING<br />The centre told me to let him find his own way, get to meetings, get his own financial support etc. He doesnt drive, we are rural, so without my help he couldnt attend meetings. I agreed I would drive him if he tried to arrange lifts with other AA members. He didnt seem motivated to find meetings, but blamed any bad moods on not having been, so I found meetings that I could get him to, and after a meeting he seems happier. Not nicer to me, not thankful for the lift and the stupid girl sitting outside a meeting for well over an hour (it would be great if he could see he needs to come out promptly when me and my son are sat waiting outside on a school night) but no, he has no gratitude, he never says thank you, he doesnt think of us at all, he never says anything nice really. <br />We have had some good times over the last few weeks as he has some of the things I fell for more present now, he is more sexually functional without drink, but he is still volatile just under the surface.<br />I asked if he should maybe get his benefits sorted (I pay for everything, yes shoot me, I know Im at fault here) but he just gets angry as they once turned him down, so he is negative and angry about everything that he could try and fix for himself, everyone else is to blame as usual, and he just blasts me for suggesting things he could do to help him on his path.<br />And he said he was horrified how he has treated his now fairly alienated teenage children. Ive encouraged him to try and see them to help start a new chapter, but although he sent them all a nice christmas card with an apology and partial explanation, had a visit with them (yes idiot here took him, waited around, didnt get thanked) but he hasnt followed up or tried to see them. He texts them if I prompt him, but not off his own back. <br />I guess Im answering my own question here, but at what point does an addict who has admitted he has a problem, got help, stopped drinking for 2 months, is committed to the extended residential program (which Im expected to pay for) actually stop being a selfish horrible victim, and actually changes from within, from the heart....... I know thats rhetorical, its up to him. <br />So.... if I dont take him to meetings, he wont go, increased chance of failing. <br />If I dont pay for his extended care and chuck him out without anything, chances of success are very low. So im helping right.... no I guess not, he's still treating me like shit.<br /><br />Is it worth sticking around for the 3 month program to see if he may ever change?<br />sorry for the long post... it kinda just spilled out, along with the tears<br />cheers x Jovialsamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-24158225889952660542018-10-17T13:00:28.469-04:002018-10-17T13:00:28.469-04:00Charlie, I want you to know that reading your blog...Charlie, I want you to know that reading your blog posts has helped me a great deal. I understand that I can’t change anyone especially my alcoholic adult child. I can only control myself and change who I am in order to heal. He has left me broken in so many ways, broke our family, and will unfortunately continue to shatter everyone in his path until he sees himself for who he is, a narcissist who is also an alcoholic. There are children involved in his path of distruction that he won’t let go and it is so unfortunate for them. I will continue to pray for the children involved and that God saves his soul. Keep writing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-49078625453259299472018-08-08T22:44:51.999-04:002018-08-08T22:44:51.999-04:00Thank you. I totally get it. But unfortunately my...Thank you. I totally get it. But unfortunately my sister, who is at death's door as a chronic alcoholic and a danger to herself, doesn't. I keep praying.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-63586072077102471582017-11-14T08:37:42.165-05:002017-11-14T08:37:42.165-05:00I'm beyond grateful I found your blog. It hurt...I'm beyond grateful I found your blog. It hurts like hell to realize the truth about myself as an addict, but I'm sure it doesn't even scratch the surface of the pain I've caused my family. I'm ready to claw my way out of this fucking abyss.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-63665325665781126522017-08-10T16:41:36.899-04:002017-08-10T16:41:36.899-04:00you are a breath of fresh air. i was with an narci...you are a breath of fresh air. i was with an narcissistic alcoholic for 30 years, 28 of those married. after my physical and mental health started to fail drastically, i found alanon. eventually divorced. i came to realize that not only could i not "save" him but that he resenting me deeply for trying. suzyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029732019187223838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2530451786669304321.post-47691328931683884172017-01-27T10:56:05.085-05:002017-01-27T10:56:05.085-05:00charlie...you are the absolute best! I am 3 weeks...charlie...you are the absolute best! I am 3 weeks into recovering from my 8 year relationship with a severe alcoholic. Finally had him removed from the house after his 4th relapse. 3 weeks ago he came home very intoxicated while I had a 73 year old handyman replacing my furnace thermostat...my partner beat the heck out of the guy because he said we were having an affair...delusional alcholic jealousy. It was the last straw. I really love how you can verbalize the torment the enabler goes through and guidance on how to stop enabling. I just ordered your book. Thanks for this site. GaylinnGaylinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16342154831515382381noreply@blogger.com