How Does One Love from a Distance?
Below is a question from one of the many wonderful readers out there...
"Charlie can you please address or answer this dilemma? In my 12 step experience through Alanon, it is stressed that we can love the addict/alcoholic but keep our distance from their problems and not enable. How is that done? When I haven't heard from my addict for weeks then I know what he is up to. So if i drop him a line and say that I love him or that I'm praying for him, then that is his sign that I'm concerned and then asks for help. I believe he honestly does want help but then the same old story starts to unfold. He gets into some sort of recovery program and gets the whole family behind him and achieves a certain level of success and then without fail after a few months drifts right back into drugs and alcohol. This has occurred at least 20 different times! I honestly do not know how to convey my love without getting sucked into this gut wrenching ordeal."
The cycle described above is textbook. Addicts are famous for this exact pattern. We are textbook sabotage artists. For 15 years, I ran around in circles. The cycle is as follows: Relapse and destroy everything - get sober and sink into depression - as depression subsides, regain false confidence -get a job, make money, repair relationships and trust - relapse and destroy everything - get sober and sink into depression...
The Big Book also describes our proclivity towards sabotage:
"Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning every thing except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees." Alcoholics Anonymous, p.21
By the way, the hot and cold behavior of an addict/alcoholic is one of the reasons we are so abusive. It would be better to just be an asshole or just be loving all of the time because at least others would know what to expect, but hot and cold twists people emotionally... and that is abusive.
But as you can see above, you would be well justified to ask what kind of insane moron would willingly sabotage all good things in his or her life over and over and over again. Let me see if I can help.
Addicts and alcoholics sabotage everything because, believe it or not, they have actually gotten used to the absence of happiness, success or satisfaction. If you can fathom, imagine for a second that good things make an addict more uncomfortable than their status quo of misery, chaos, failure, disappointment, etc. Maintaining success would send the message that we are okay, but the sad truth is we don't want that. We want carte blanche to fuck everything up and use the way we want to. Furthermore, setting the bar low is a very effective addict strategy. If the bar is set at or just above rock bottom, no one expects anything of us. Any success will gain back your graces sooner, and when we fail, no one's surprised.
Look, this sort of thing literally defines what it means to be an addict. Using is more fun when everything is okay... especially right as stuff is going our way and we are on the verge of some amazing opportunity. Remember, addicts want to use and not much else. Believe me, if we wanted to pursue our dreams more than we wanted to get jammed, we would. Therefore, we MUST sabotage everything so we can continue being self-absorbed idiots, who, instead of accomplishing great things in life, would actually rather just sit around and get high. I've written about the sabotage thing at length in older posts such as, Unfamiliar Territory.
So how do you love an addict but keep your distance and not get sucked into our problems? For one, you can love and forgive someone silently or internally while setting very strict boundaries or even refusing to engage with them at all. Letting go is more of an internal process that is accomplished along emotional lines. You can let go of the chaos. You can stop focusing on it. There could be a world of shit circling you but you can remove yourself and let it fly by without jumping right in front of it and getting smacked in the face with a pile of shit.
How do we let go? We work on ourselves. How do we love and forgive without attachment? We focus on ourselves. Write a 4th Step maybe. The better we get, the easier it is to let go. If you are codependent, give to yourself. Nourish yourself, get stronger, and build a reservoir of peace within and you will be better able to avoid the temptation of inserting yourself into the drama and the problems of another - even if it's a loved one, even if it's a child.
Ultimately, you have to give your life and the life of your child to God. If you don't think so, think again. We have no control over anything, which is, by the way, one of the reasons why central planners, regardless of side, are so clueless. They actually think they can manipulate the whole world and its environment. This is where we get the term, delusions of grandeur. Doctors have that problem too, thinking they can both prevent and treat/cure addiction and mental illness with lab cocktails.
At any rate, we can only find peace in letting go, and this way of loving and forgiving must first take place internally/emotionally. Yes love is action, but if you cannot change someone, it is a lesson that you must shift your focus. We learn to love properly, to love better, by changing ourselves. Let the tornado spin around you if you want, but do not step in its path. That would be sort of masochistic, of course, which would defeat your whole purpose. So make sure not to sabotage yourself ;-)
It sounds backwards, but true service is putting ourselves first (in the healthy way). We cannot serve God or love others if we ourselves are not well. We addicts, and people in general, are inclined to follow others who exemplify personal health, strength, calm and spirit. We follow people who glow. So the best thing anybody can do to change anything is to live in the precise way you wish for others... not that you don't, but you see my point. Instead of getting sucked in, love yourself enough to take care of your own soul, and there you will learn to love from a distance.
And please feel free to let me know if that makes no sense whatsoever.
God, please wrap your loving arms around our families, embrace them and give them comfort, peace, happiness, joy, love, health and prosperity...