Monday, January 19, 2015

Relationship Inventory

"God, help me to see those things that block me from You and Others."

1st Column (The person, institution or principle I resent.)

Wife.

2nd Column (The specific resentment.)

a) Took my head off for making an honest and thoughtful suggestion about the painting she has for sale, even though it was a sincere effort to help sell it.

3rd Column (Parts of me the resentment effects...)

SE (Self-Esteem),
P/A (Pride or Ambition)
P/SR (Personal or Sexual Relationships)

4th Column (How was I Self-Seeking, Selfish (dig for this one), Dishonest & Fearful?)

Self-Seeking: I am the fucking hero husband. In other words, I wanted to be seen as caring, loving and of course, business savvy.

Selfish: I was unable to see that even well-intentioned suggestions remind my wife of an entire lifetime of being ridiculed by her narcissist mom.

Dishonest: Partially, I wanted her painting to look a certain way (i.e. as good as it can) such that it reflects better on us, and more specifically, me.

Fear: I fear being honest with my wife, afraid that what I'll say will automatically rub her the wrong way. I'm afraid to be myself, which is entirely my own fault and my own problem.

     Looking even deeper, I am afraid to simply love my wife and her art for what it is. The suggestion as well as the resentment stem ENTIRELY from an inability to love my wife wholly and unconditionally, which of course, stems from an inability to love myself wholly and unconditionally. I must do better as a husband, as a man, and as a part of God's creation.

God, please teach me how to better love myself that I may better love others and do Your work well...

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