Sunday, September 28, 2014

These Two Things MUST Occur to Become Recovered


1. The mental obsession must be lifted.

2. Our conscience must be restored to the point where we care more about not hurting others or hurting ourselves spiritually than we do about comforting ourselves with drugs or alcohol.

     If we become so disgusted by drugs and alcohol, by what they do to us and to others, we will repel them viciously as instruments of pure evil and never even think about picking up again. All we have to do is care deeply and profoundly about the consequences of our actions and we will be free from drugs and alcohol forever.

     If these two things occur, addicts and alcoholics will never use again.

     If these two things don't occur, it is a certainty we will use again and cause more pain. In every person who continues to relapse and struggle, neither of these two things has occurred, especially #1, regardless of how much treatment we've had.

     Treatment, therapy, meetings or meds of any sort are completely useless if they fail to lift the the mental obsession. This you absolutely must understand. If your spouse or child comes home from rehab and still wants to use and thinks about using, trust me, relapse is on the way and the entire exercise has been a complete waste of time and money.

     One of the most important variables in lifting the mental obsession and restoring one's conscience is a sincere desire to change and to get better. Nothing will help an addict more than really wanting it. I am convinced that if a person truly wants to change, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Nobody who wants it more than anything fails.

     Nobody.


God, please remove from me the obsession to drink alcohol and use drugs. Please restore my conscience that it may grow unimpeded, illuminating the way...

If You Want To Recover, Reject Selfishness


     People miss the point of addiction & recovery entirely. It has little to do with science or chemistry or genes or how we were hurt in our lives. Sorry. The very cause of the illness is selfishness and the very nature of the illness is spiritual... so the only way to truly recover is to be unselfish and get closer to God.


     In other words, no thing and no one can undo what we did to ourselves. We can only recover from addiction if we have faith and do the work while rejecting what got us into trouble to begin with, which was our self-will and our self-worship, our belief that we can control it and our belief that we can control the world around us.  


     If any addict still believes they can get themselves better, they will never recover. Until we understand that we are powerless and need spiritual help, we will remain quite ill and subject to relapse. 


Also see: ResentmentResentment Inventory & "How It Works"

Saturday, September 27, 2014

"How It Works"

From Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 58-63: 
   
     "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of be­ing honest with themselves. There are such unfortu­nates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasp­ing and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
     Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power—that One is God. May you find Him now! 
     Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
     Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than our­selves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to im­prove our conscious contact with God as we un­derstood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
     Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.’’ Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like per­fect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
     Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have re­lieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
     Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?
     The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with some­ thing or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each per­son is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrange­ ments our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
     What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when try­ing to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
     Our actor is self-centered—ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; poli­ticians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. What­ ever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
     Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Some­times they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
     So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alco­holics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical con­victions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or try­ing on our own power. We had to have God’s help.
     This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. 
     When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became con­scious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
     We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: 'God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!' We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him."


About the Meds...

     One of the reasons people read this blog is because I don't care to appear a certain way or to censor my voice, and so I will do you the service of continuing not to care.

     The people who say how harmful I am cannot indicate anyone who has actually been harmed, including themselves. So it's not that I'm harmful to others, it's just that that is the argument people use when they disagree, which of course means they are lying. To think something is harmful and for something to actually be harmful is the difference between fantasy and reality. Do you know how many emails I get from people who say (to put it lightly) how much this has helped them? I have no idea because I can't count them all. Do you know how many emails I get from people who say how much this has hurt them? None.

     TO NOTE: Non-addicts can do whatever they want to do, so don't bother me about that, because this blog is really about drug addiction and alcoholism, in case you missed that part. But my strong belief is that no mood-altering drug, whether substitution or psychotropic, is good for drug addicts, which may be difficult to understand, but trust me, we are that fucked up. For some reason addicts lack the capacity to think straight about using drugs when we are taking mood-altering substances of any kind. Even if it seems like we are okay for a while, deep down we are not okay. We cannot truly become sane, and if we cannot become sane on the deepest level, then we cannot truly get better. You will never be able to convince me otherwise, and I have seen it hundreds and hundreds of times over the past ten years.

     I know it'd be great if there were some magic pill for all of our problems, but there isn't. Addicts are cursed (or rather, not cursed) to only achieve freedom and health through rigorous hard work guts, honesty, humility, fearlessness, service and selflessness.

      So I written had a few pieces about the dynamics of psychotropic conditioning, but if nobody wants me to post them, I can just not write anything and we can continue to live in this culture of conformity and collectivism. Actually, screw all of that, here is the first one I wrote the other day after I received some accusations that my story and my writing and my life experience was hurting children.

                                                        *

     Many don't understand that addiction and mental illness cannot actually be cured with science and medication. These ailments are not purely biological and nuero-chemical, as much of our core problem is deep-seated and intangible and occurs on a spiritual level...

     How dare I be so irresponsible and awful and say that medication fails miserably to fix an addict?

     First, um, so everyone out there who has a problem with what I say is qualified to make decisions for other people when it comes to their brain chemistry? I can think some in particular who think it's right to med-up small children and rewire their brains with powerful and untested drugs. See, now I think that is irresponsible, and sorry, but that sounds a little dangerous and a little elitist and is quite a bit different than what I do, which is simply to share my life experience honestly, but I forgot that under the current regime it is wrong in this country for people to think and speak for themselves. And secondly...

     Because I have seen it hundreds, if not thousands of times and it all ends the same. I know of and have worked with hundreds of people, all who have tried to half-ass their recovery on methadone, suboxone and different concoctions of psychotropics and every single one of them has relapsed, some have died. None of them are sober and none of them have any sort of worthwhile condition or attitude, nor have any of them given back to their families properly, and by properly I don't just mean respecting and helping out, but taking care of themselves and recovering mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually to the greatest extent possible.

     I wrote my book and why I write this blog because I was considered one of those mentally ill, severely chemically imbalanced, med'd up zombies who some 'top notch' psychiatrists (lol) were convinced needed to stay that way because of an ignorant and false belief that chemical imbalance is static, i.e. permanent, and would always necessitate meds, and guess what? I failed every time, habitually lapsing back into depression and addiction. I never changed as a person. I knew in my heart of hearts that medication was never going to truly get me better from anything.

     That's what they don't understand. If we don't change, we die, and I believe medication doesn't change addicts in the way we need to be changed because that's what I have witnessed, and I have never witnessed a recovered and truly honest addict on drugs. Drugs often prevent the kind of change necessary to effect lasting recovery. But look, I really don't care what you do. Do whatever you want. I just write my experience. I also don't understand why one person can say what they want to say and another person has to be muzzled. Do people not hear how authoritarian and insane that sounds? So should I not share my 15 year journey of failures (of hell) and the sudden miracle and resulting change of attitude that saved my life?

     Medication doesn't cure mental illness or chemical imbalance, it simply manipulates them temporarily. Sorry, but that's the truth, and how is that so different from drug addiction? If we effectively rewire our brains with artificial doses of dopamine or serotonin, what do you think happens when we remove them? Our brain chemistry goes f'ing haywire, to put it softly, which then sort of enslaves us to our pharmacological regimen. Have we really solved our problem? Are we not still the same person?

     Underneath the medication resides the totality of our pain and poison and spiritual illness. It rots us slowly as it bubbles and grows, ready to explode when the drugs are removed, at least it does for me. And all we have to do to see how profound our addiction and psychosis become when we go into withdrawal from these drugs is to read the label. Do you know how many psychotic breaks we could have in this country if supply chains were suddenly disrupted in an economic collapse and millions of people on psychotropics were suddenly robbed of their artificial neurotransmitters? Yeah, it wouldn't look good at all, and I would def stay inside your house as the 'purge' begins.

     What's so sad is that the Establishment has managed to convince everyone that mental illness, chemical imbalance, and even addiction now cannot be fixed without pharmaceutical intervention, which is the one of the most tragic lies in the history of mental illness and addiction. Your brain chemistry is not static - it changes all day long, all week long, all year long, all century long...  kinda like the climate.

     So why did taking medication and sitting in therapy (key word sitting) fail me so completely and why can we reasonably assume that it will also fail your drug addict?

     It's really simple. It's because I have addiction, which nobody seems to understand. When you have addiction, that is your dual-diagnosis. Addiction will present us with a host of mental disorders, which is in itself a debilitating term, especially since the APA just makes shit up and pushes it as hard science when it is actually just soft science, i.e. not really science, i.e quack psychology, i.e. nonsense. But much more important than understanding the truth behind the system we live in is that if you treat the addiction wholly, if you treat what lies underneath the addiction, you address everything, you address ALL of our problems - you address our addiction, our mental illness, our chemical imbalance, and our life malady, as it were.

     What we really have is a life problem. Those who suffer from addiction and other things can't seem to understand, fathom, accept or adjust to the realities of life. Sure there are some whose brains are severely damaged and lack the capacity to reason, feel, or be honest, but I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about people who are being treated as if they are brain damaged when they really just need to change.

     And unfortunately, we have become conditioned by the hubris of doctors and therapists and teachers and other authority figures who don't really understand human illness and believe we cannot fully heal ourselves by simply addressing the life/spiritual problem. They don't really understand human suffering and healing. They also don't understand the fact that God exists because they have become blinded by intellectual superiority and megalomania. 

     Addiction is a spiritual illness. The physical disease and mental component of addiction are symptoms of an underlying spiritual malady, NOT the other way around. The physical and mental disease of addiction does not bring on our soul sickness, our soul sickness brings on the physical and mental disease of addiction. Very few understand this. Nobody is born a drug addict. We turn ourselves into drug addicts. Nobody who is okay inside and okay on a spiritual level mutates themselves into a drug addict. Instead of blaming our genes like so many like to do to abscond themselves, perhaps we should take some responsibility.

     So we who suffer from addiction simply need a real, comprehensive solution for drug addiction. After fifteen years of listening to some truly nauseating clinicians who have no idea what they're talking about, I finally arrived at a place where I was treated spiritually, took Steps, went home, worked hard, made amends, helped others, meditated everyday for a year, and have been chemically normal since. I have no depression, bipolar, mania, addiction, nothing. I am free from all of that and my life is incredible. I am successful and have grown a family of my own. And yes, most important of all, I have God in my life.

     In fact, once I removed the medication and the therapy and the victim bullshit, once I stopped being a fucking wimp and did some real work on myself, my entire life changed and countless miracles occured. I have been touched and I have God and I give less than a shit what anybody thinks about anything I say, because this is knowledge that I have been given, knowledge that I have about myself and about addiction, and I'm sharing it to try to help you. There are some who appreciate that and whose eyes have been opened when it comes to the dark and confusing subject of addiction.

     And finally, I care deeply about being totally honest as a person and about my experience, and therefore, these are facts and this is the truth. As well, I have written 339 previous posts, so there is tons of information here, and if you have suffered from addiction and alcoholism and mental illness as I have, trust me, you would understand what the hell I'm talking about.

God, please give me knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out...

Intellectuals Are Clueless

     Oh the stupidity and the hubris of non-addict 'professionals' and 'specialists' who think they know with absolute certainty what will work and what addicts should do, as if they somehow understand the workings of addiction simply because they have a position of power and a few textbooks jammed inside their heads.

     The reason non-addicts fail so miserably to help drug addicts is because they think they actually know about addiction and what helps when they have ZERO real world experience. Memorizing textbooks and academic journals or the latest findings from whatever pharmaceutical company doesn't actually mean you know what you are talking about. Do we not see how ridiculous it is to listen to someone who is really just imagining what it's like to be an addict and how to treat addiction? 

     You can't know something you don't have any experience with. It's like someone giving parental advice thinking they know what will work for your kids when they don't even have kids. 

     Non-addict doctors, therapists, social workers, counselors, case managers, teachers, academics and intellectuals have no clue because nothing they say to us has actually been tested in reality. Addicts listen to recovered addicts because they know what works and what doesn't work IN THE REAL WORLD. 

     In an article about my book last year, some ivory tower prestige argued that they have clinical facts about addiction and that the Twelve Steps are not facts. Let me help everyone understand what facts are. Facts are RESULTS. Facts are people who have recovered entirely from a seemingly hopeless condition. Facts are not people who are drugged up to maintain the facade of recovery and physical sobriety just to make data sets look good, or get parents of your back, or get the doctor paid, or get some drug sold by the pharmaceutical.  

     So please do not be fooled by the Establishment. They are worse than anybody. They are just pretending to know the workings of addiction and then reporting what they imagine as the truth with confidence... like that addicts have triggers and other nonsense that is just factually untrue.

God, please help non-addicts realize their limitations and have some humility when it comes to intellectualism...

Hard is Good, Easy is Bad

Quote from, Neutral = ReverseMay 24, 2012:


     "Let me assure any addicts out there that the harder thing to do is without question the better thing. Easy is bad for alcoholics and junkies. Easy is what we do. Easy is like our personal code or creed. Easy is our religion. Just like selfish is. But hard is good for us. If I'm not challenging myself, it's all over."


     Sorry, and not to bash your hopes for some miracle cure, but there is no easy way to recover from addiction. That being said, it is actually very simple. It requires that the addict become willing to change and to work. If an addict refuses to lift a finger, even if the addict will give 99% but not 100%, there is a 100% failure rate. But if the addict gives 100% to growing spiritually and getting rid of self, there is a 100% success rate.


God, please give those of us who love us the knowledge and the comfort they deserve...

Friday, September 26, 2014

Addict Newsflash: Pills Cannot Undo What We Have Done


     It isn't possible to just take a pill or have some injection and be free from addiction. If you've been told that there is some miracle drug for addiction, you have been lied to. Trust me, that's the whole point and the nature of addiction. It's like destroying a relationship or committing a crime. You can't just snap your fingers and undo it. You have to manually undo what you have done. Go ahead, try it. Call me from detox when you relapse.

     As well, no addict can just go out there and do it his or her way. That is also not possible, as doing things our way is the very thing that made us addicts to begin with! We must do things we do not want to do. We must live life on life's terms. We must have faith in something much Greater than ourselves to guide us through this journey. We must drop the idea that our own intellect and faculties can get us better, because they cannot.

     Humility and reliance on God is essential. If you could do it on your own, then what are you doing being an emaciated addict? What are you doing in detox or rehab? What are you doing on substitution drugs and injections? Obviously we cannot do it on our own. If we do not let go of our arrogance, there is little hope we will make it. This should just be common sense, but as they say, common sense is uncommon.


God, please help others to understand the nature of addiction and recovery, that they may get better, serve, and give back to those they have stolen from...

Sunday, September 21, 2014

POA Questions


     Please feel free to request a blog entry on any particular subject or question. That being said, I don't tell people what to do specifically, nor do I want to. It is much better to figure out the answers on your own (See Don't Listen To Me). What I do here, despite some periodic and impulsive accusations to the contrary, is to share what I have learned through my own experience and you can take from that what you will.

Should addicts with mental issues not take anything? 

     Active addicts are going to present with any number of mental disorders, including but not limited to depression, hypomania, psychosis, anxiety, dissociative disorder, narcissism, ADD, PTSD and you name it, all of which may be entirely drug-induced. It is therefore crucial to achieve sobriety unmedicated and remain unmedicated until the fizz settles, if you will. Once sober, we must also embark on a rigorous program of action to determine what leftover mental skews, if any, may be dissolved without drugs.

     If an addict rolls into treatment, talks to a doctor, gets slapped with a few disorders and put on a pile of powerful psychotropics right away, we will never know how much of his mental illness was purely drug-induced and how much of it was residing separately from the addiction, if any. You may end up drugging the living shit out of someone who doesn't even need to medicated. Why make a zombie out a perfectly capable, talented and charismatic human being? We must let things settle and work rigorously on ourselves for a good a year or so in order to accurately determine if we truly cannot function without meds, and even then, the addict may be fooling himself and others about how dysfunctional they really are.

     How can we clearly see what's inside if we do anything short of this?

Aren't drugs that reduce cravings good for addicts who really want to work hard but just need a little help? 

     First of all, no addict taking Naltrexone etc really wants to work hard or go to any lengths. Addicts who half-ass any portion of their recovery will possess weak recovery or fail altogether. Addicts who really want to change and give 100% to their growth don't need any help or hand-holding. Furthermore, any recovery that is assisted will have cracks in it. Think building a foundation. If someone lends you a few cinder blocks and then takes them away once you are done building, your foundation will have some rather large holes in it. The best chance to lay a solid foundation is to build it ourselves, and this is true for any of us, even the somewhat unimpressive and half-witted addicts out there.

     Second, there is no such thing as a drug that can effectively reduce cravings, or obsessions rather, as cravings refer to the physical process of withdrawal. Once we are cleaned out, there are no cravings. At that point it is purely mental, and nothing can prevent the mental obsession from occurring. The mental obsession is a deep-seated malady, a sort of random and sudden lunacy, the result of a profound spiritual illness. An illness of this sort can only be removed through the effort of the being in which it inhabits. No drug can do the kind of work that we can only do for ourselves, with God.

     There is no reducing obsessions via pharmaceutical intervention, and drugs that claim to do this are just placebos. It isn't possible. It has always amazed me the degree of ignorance among the medical community when it comes to addiction. But much more important than getting too deep into that is the fact that any drug we take to aid our recovery will negate that portion of our recovery. In other words, we will fail to accomplish for ourselves what the drug has accomplished for us. Drugs of this nature in fact rob us of our recovery.

      Finally, it is pointless to simultaneously take some sort of 'crave-reduction' drug and reach out to God at the same time, as we cannot really expect God to fix us if we are also copping out with an easier, softer way. We cannot scam our way into becoming recovered, and isn't that what you want for your child, to be fully recovered and free, as opposed to simply 'in recovery', struggling, and holding on by a thread? It doesn't work that way. Half measures avail us nothing, and taking naltrexone etc. is a half measure. God doesn't help bullshitters and addicts looking for an easy way out, and I bet you that any one of us on all sorts of science projects to make us feel more comfortable are still lying through what's left of our teeth and filled to the brim with BS.

What is the biggest mistake a POA can make? 

     There is actually no such thing as a "POA mistake" because addicts are 100% responsible for everything they do and everything that happens to them as a result of what they do. As well, no parent, regardless of how loving and wonderful and saintly they may be, can prevent a child from becoming an addict or fix them once they get there. That is crucial to understand. It is the truth.

     But I guess if I had to pick something, I'd say the biggest mistake a POA can make is buying our nonsense, as NOTHING we say can be believed. As well, I would be wary of following the ridiculous advice of sources such as Beyond Addiction and what have you. Kindness and science hurt as opposed to help addicts. Showering an active addict with love is totally clueless and will simply help facilitate our death. Treat us instead like you would treat any addict who is robbing you blind. Look, it'd be great to have a normal relationship with us, but you can't... until perhaps we find God and become free.

     OMG, why? How could you say such a thing? 

     Because we are pathological, self-centered liars (even when we act vulnerable and open up about our feelings and turn into sad little weeping puppies) and our #1 and only priority in life is getting high, so we will use you and manipulate your love and your compassion to the ends of the earth. If you let us, we will suck you dry in every possible way until you are nothing but a rotting carcass. So tell us that you love us but do not under any circumstance be a party to our suicide mission. Real love is action, so think about what the true motive and the effect of your actions. See How Not To Help Addicts.

    I also wouldn't follow the advice of 99% of mainstream addiction modalities or professionals, as treatment in America is a farce and really just business as usual. Academics and doctors seem to know next to nothing about addiction and what is really necessary to treat it, or rather, to free us from it.

     If you listen to snake oil salesmen like that joker on CNN (Controlled News Network) that sells his Alcoholism & Addiction Cure book and a $92,000 stay in his Malibu hot tub, your child will most likely overdose at some point after relapsing repeatedly. His 'four points' have been lifted from a Psych. 101 textbook and are absent a shred of originality or authenticity. To claim that a few very common and provincial strategies that have consistently failed drug addicts are a new and novel cure for drug addiction is definitely some sell-side bullshit. Plus, if this joker knew anything about addiction, he would know that nobody should ever be claiming to cure addiction because addiction cannot be cured physically, and mentally it cannot be cured via self-knowledge and man-made remedies.

     You shouldn't be surprised, though, that this guy would be pumping this stuff on CNN, given that CNN is a scripted, fraudulent news station. They have actually staged news events in an effort to spread propaganda. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Addicts Don't Understand Being Human


Addicts think that simply being human makes it appropriate to use drugs...

    We addicts somehow believe that our experience is novel. We believe that NOBODY suffers quite like we do, that nobody feels depression and despair and dissatisfaction the way we do. We believe ourselves to be special and unique and different from everybody else, even other addicts. Believe it or not, I actually believed there wasn't a single soul who understood or felt what I felt, that I somehow had it the worst...

     ...and believing such bullshit made it very convenient to do anything it took to make myself feel different. I believed that I had a divine right to keep myself comfortable 24/7 by drinking and using drugs because nobody experienced pain and discomfort as I did. 

     Oh but they do. It's called being human. Everybody suffers. Everybody feels uncomfortable and shitty at times. The difference is that they have continued developing into adulthood and understand that suffering is just a part of life and that they have a responsibility not to let it stop them from doing what they have to do, from doing what is right. 

     Normal people understand that life isn't about non-stop euphoria. It was never intended to be. That's not what being human is. That's not reality. Life is all sorts of things - up and down, light and dark, joy and pain, gain and loss, good days and bad days. The sooner addicts figure that out, the sooner they can grow up and join the rest of the human race.

     Another delusion we have is that strong or painful or uncomfortable feelings are tangible, evil forces that can and will stop us, and might even kill us! Nonsense. Feelings and thoughts will not kill us, as they will not kill anybody, and we do not have to let them stop us. In fact, whining about how awful our feelings are and why we can't go to work or help out or recover from addiction is just a clever excuse to avoid becoming an adult and contributing to the world. If you want to know what an addict is, it's very simple. An addict is simply a child in an adult body. This is why I suggested in my book that maybe we should suck our thumbs so potential friends, spouses and employers can identify us. 

      Why is reality so lost on us? Why do addicts somehow think it's unnatural to feel uncomfortable sometimes, even though we just call that life on earth? I think it's simply because we are addicts, and being an addict involves a pathological level of selfishness, immaturity and stupidity, as well as a very narcissistic and narrow view of the world, of life, and of those who surround us. We are completely detached and disconnected from reality and thus from ourselves and from others. A good friend once said that we are but human caricatures.  

     Once we figure out that life includes both emotional suffering and physical discomfort, and once we figure out that we are no different from the 7 billion other human beings on earth, we can grasp the practical idea that feelings don't have to stop us. Addicts must accept the fact that it's okay to suffer. As well, we must stop resisting the way we feel. What we resist will persist. We must accept and befriend our negative feelings, understanding that they are part of us. In this way, they move along and eventually dissipate without crippling us.

     You don't make war with part of yourself (by using drugs) unless you are trying to amplify and compound your horrible feelings. Instead you feel what you are feeling and walk through it like everybody else, and you do so because it is your human responsibility. You do so because it is embarrassing to physically become an adult but continue to behave like a child, which is where we get the term, man-child.  

     The bottom line is that addicts must grow up and have the guts to simply be human. That's all there is to it. That's really what recovery and the Steps are all about. Growing up. And rejecting everything that makes us an addict.

God, give me the power and the willingness to walk through my feelings and do what is right...

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Addict Newsflash: Disease Model Clarification


                                                        *

     Sure it's a disease and sure we might be sad, but it's a disease we gave to ourselves by using too much, and about the sad thing, we're also pretty selfish... and oh yeah, everybody's sad. There is no way around those two facts. Trust me, we put some time and effort into becoming addicts. The bottle and the needle don't just suddenly pick themselves up and jam us into oblivion when we are dumbass teenagers using for the first time. We pick them up and use and use until we finally break our bodies and minds and acquire the disease of addiction. Only then do we lose the power of choice.

     None of us are born addicts. We become addicts through a succession of selfish choices. No person, place or thing outside of ourselves is to blame for our addiction. We alone create who we become. Physically, we will die with the allergy to drugs and alcohol. Mentally, we can re-acquire the power of choice and forever be safe from relapse. Personally, I don't give a shit about drugs and alcohol anymore because I understand how selfish I was, how destructive I was, how much pain I caused those who loved me, how much I was abusing my soul and my relationship with God, and how dangerous it is not to care about the consequences of our actions, in this life and beyond.

     It is only possible to grow and get better once we have taken full responsibility for our addiction, for our self-created 'disease'. We are to blame no one if we are to free ourselves from the obsession which haunts us. Total honesty and total responsibility. That's just how it works.

                                                        *

Saturday, September 13, 2014

What Are The Twelve Steps?

     The reputation that the Twelve Step program often gets is sad and disturbing, to say the least, but this is primarily because most people have no idea what the Twelve Steps are.

     Some call the Steps and AA a vicious cult, hell bent on brainwashing and controlling you with religion. Some call it an abject failure that is completely outdated and wrong in the way it attributes addiction to moral failure. Some just dismiss it arrogantly because it fails the test of new age science, quack psychology and intellectualism. Some call it unsubstantiated because there is no clinical data to back it up, which clearly must render it useless in the field of addiction treatment. And some of the worst are today's doctors, often products of the brainwashed status quo, who believe they know everything and that we are just a bunch of uneducated imbeciles who need to be told what to do.

     In fact, that attitude sort of reminds me of every single morally relative, collectivist academic I know, which seems to be increasing by the day. Right, all of us who support ourselves and start businesses are morons but my friends with over $250,000 in student debt with no job in sight and who forgot to check what exactly can be discharged in bankruptcy court are absolutely brilliant. Lol.

     But the one thing often misunderstand is that the Twelve Steps don't really have anything to do with alcohol and drugs. No, I'm not an idiot. I understand the Twelve Steps were originally conceived to help alcoholics, but with what? Most people think they exist merely to address an alcoholic's drinking problem, but that's not true. Remember that this is a program of action based on the same universal principles that we see at the core of every religious tradition through time. Why is that? What are the Twelve Steps really trying to do? It's a good question for all of the above bashers to ponder.

     So what do you think they are?

     It's a good question to ask yourself.

     I actually don't quite understand why the true purpose of the Twelve Steps is lost on so many, but whatever. The truth is that the Twelve Steps are not really about alcohol and drugs but about clearing a way and delineating a practical path to God. They are simply one of many ways to get to God, to establish an appropriate relationship with Him. They are spiritual tools based on universal and timeless principles that open a door to our Creator. That is the purpose of the Twelve Steps.

     The point is that anybody interested in growing spiritually may engage in this program of rigorous action. I'm thinking about writing another book that breaks down the Twelve Step process for anybody. Why should this gem of a program remain hidden from most of the world, and especially from the parents, spouses and families of addicts and alcoholics?

     Trust me, if you haven't actually done a thorough and fearless Twelve Step program the way its laid out in the Big Book, you truly have no idea what it really is. It is an unfathomable amount of work and it is a life-changing process. The things you have to do, the depths you have to plumb, the faith and trust you must have, believe me, it is stomach churning, mind-bending, and ultimately soul-freeing. It expands your world and allows your consciousness to crack open and experience a new dimension of existence. It is mystical and it induces miracles to occur. It taps into the greater power and intelligence that exists, which is God.

     And that is the beginning we need. From there, everything else is possible. From there, we can grow with the Lord and glorify Him in all that we do. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

There's Only One Solution

     There is only one actual solution, besides some sort of immediate divine transformation. Everything else is just a remedy or band-aid, and lots of stuff shouldn't even be dignified with either label. The only solution is something we like to call "hard work", also known as "repeated right action". Nothing else with save us or fix us for good. Nothing else will effect real and lasting change in us. There is no easy way out... not with the damage we have done both internally and externally.

     Why does repeated right action work?

     For one, because it keeps us sane, and any addict who is kept sane is safe from relapse. And it's because with each little bit of courage we show, we gain more and more access to the power of God, and the more we can access the power of God, the stronger we get, the more we can do, and the more limitless our life becomes.

     Truly, we can get to the point where addiction is nothing to us anymore, just a blip on the radar. Watch the F out because we are off and running and have all kinds of amazing things to do and accomplish. Once the fire is lit within an addict, or anybody for that matter, there are no more problems such as addiction and fear.

     People think it's arrogant to say I'm recovered, especially other recovering alcoholics and addicts. Do you know why they think that? Because they don't have any idea what they're talking about. They have no idea what my experience is. They have no vocabulary or familiarity with what it means to be recovered. Oh, it's dangerous and pompous to say you will always be sober, they will say. No it's not. Not for someone who no longer suffers from thoughts to use, someone who no longer cares about using, and someone who does the work he needs to do to take care of himself and his relationship with God.

      But back to the main point. How do we accomplish this state of lifelong, permanent recovery?

     Repeated hard work. Oh and faith (which is trust). Everything else is just a temporary remedy and does not actually change us or free us from addiction and other such maladies. It never ends the shit I get for being narrow and stupid and claiming there is only one solution. But these types are only saying that because they are suffering and have failed or have loved ones that have failed repeatedly. Anyone who actually works hard and commits one's life to spiritual growth would never say that because they don't fail. They never look back and always move forward. So should you.

God, teach us addicts how to work hard, trust in our recovery, trust in You, and never look back... 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Shame

      True knowledge is gained through the experiment of living life. I have gained truth about myself and my life from the results of my experience, through the tools that I have acquired and been given, and through the actual consequences of my words, thoughts, and most importantly, my actions. I know what has failed me and what has brought me success. And I can reasonably assume that anyone who shares a similar experience may also experience similar results.
     This is precisely why the Big Book prophetically states that you can rely on anything a [recovered] alcoholic may say about himself. A recovered addict who has gained clarity and success knows himself completely. The reason my experience makes so much sense to me is because I understand who I am, and the more we understand ourselves, the more we understand everything. As I've suggested before, I don't think we are really that complicated. We are essentially just human creatures on earth, sometimes doing good stuff, sometimes doing bad stuff, and sometimes just hangin' out. And given the existential law of cause and effect, you probably wanna try to do more good stuff than bad stuff.    

     In my book, I described the sort of behavior that saved my life as 'spiritual action'. We can't get too bent about word choice because the solution and the knowledge gained through experiential success is very practical, grounded, fact-based (in its purest sense) and time-tested. So when I say spiritual action, I'm not talking about fluff. Spiritual action means moral action, as well as many other practical actions such as prayer, meditation, exercise, work, art, music, creativity and outdoor activities that benefit ourselves, others, and the greater world around us.

     In my previous post, I wrote that our core problem is spiritual. To note, I refer to the totality of my being as spiritual, and thus any disconnection from self, others or God is malady of my spirit (that is, my entire being). At any rate, for those of us who need the fluff taken out, we can easily break down our core problem more practically. Thanks to our friend, Jim, who commented on the nature of our malady as being rooted in deep emotional stuff, some of which lies below the level of our consciousness, as opposed to spiritual. I completely agree, but I simply choose to contemplate my emotional life as my spiritual life. At any rate, he kindly reminds us what our core problem really is, and this is perhaps the most accurate thing I've heard from anyone in years.

     So what is our core problem in simple, layman's terms?

     Shame.

     Human shame [and perhaps sadness] is a universal epidemic. Addicts and alcoholics have no monopoly on shame.

     What are we ashamed of, you may ask?

     Why being human, of course. We are ashamed of our human bodies, for one. We are ashamed of our minds, our thoughts and our feelings, especially our feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, depression, anger, jealousy, envy, weakness and stupidity. We are ashamed of our feelings of powerlessness, meaninglessness and purposelessness. We are ashamed of our size, our mortality, our past, our future, our frailties, our failures and our insignificance. We are ashamed of our greed, our lust, our gluttony, our cowardice, and the list goes on and on. You get the picture, I'm sure. Being human by definition is a vulnerable condition both internally, externally, and most importantly, spiritually.

     The Big Book says the knowledge of God is in our make-up as human beings. I believe we all know that God Is on some level, even the atheists and the silly agnostics out there. To deny God is really to deny your human being, your existence. And forget about addiction and alcoholism because that, my friends, may be the most precarious position of all.

God, teach me how to better love and accept myself that I may better love and accept others and do Your work well...

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Dual Diagnosis Hoax

     To heal myself, I simply had to address the core underlying problem. Trust me, you don't need the DSM-IV to figure us out. We like to pretend and act all complicated, but we're not. Nobody is. The truth is that we are spiritually ill, just like everybody else who suffers from anything.

     In today's drug and disorder obsessed America, we typically sit down with a therapist of sorts and explain our problems as they mentally sift through the DSM-IV trying to pinpoint our specific basket of personality disorders, mental disorders and/or chemical disorders. Upon our diagnosis of say, alcohol dependency, severe depression, PSTD, and let's throw a little ADHD in there just for good measure, the therapist/doctor attempts to address each specific disorder with a combination of therapy and various medications. Nothing could be more ridiculous in attempting to effect long-term healing.

     But why, Charlie? How dare you spew such non-clinical blasphemy?

     Don't get mad at me. It's not my fault that we've all been duped into believing in the disorders that we are diagnosed with. It's not my fault that we believe in the dual-diagnosis hoax. And it's not my fault that there is actually no such thing as the never-ending myriad of disorders claimed by the DSM-IV. Yes, you read that correctly. Most disorders in the DSM-IV are nonsense. There is really only one malady that any of us have, and sure it may manifest itself is a variety of ways, but attempting to treat each specific manifestation is fruitless and idiotic, as well as plain ignorant. It cannot be done. The only way to heal any specific disorder is to treat the core illness. That core illness is spiritual. If we heal ourselves spiritually, then all outward manifestations will gradually dissolve, and without a single wasted dollar on therapy or drugs.

     So there is no such thing as a dual-diagnosis. You're either well or you're not well. Whether it's alcoholism, addiction, depression, bipolar, narcissism, anxiety, antisocial personality, body dysmorphia, sexual promiscuity, obesity, gambling, or whatever... it's really all just the same shit. They are all offshoots of ONE THING. That thing is a sickness of the spirit. It is a disconnection from others, from earth, from God. It is a disconnection from self. We are simply lost and fucked up and need to be found.

     Treating every possible skew known to mankind is just a marketing gimmick to dupe the gullible masses into taking as many medications as the big boys can possibly get us to take. The more doped out we are, the better it is for the big boys... and of course, the government.

     Doctors love to tell you that depression causes addiction, that our feelings cause us to use. First, let me mention that when you have the most severe bio-chemical depression known to man and you are rendered completely dysfunctional - you feel nothing, taste nothing, can barely move, can't sleep, sleep all day, can't get up, mind is racing, can't face anybody or anything, ever (which I've personally experienced repeatedly and let me tell you, it is brutal) - you don't really drink or use drugs during this sort of torture because it doesn't work. Nothing works. You are so dead inside that even alcohol and heroin fail you, and in fact, only serve to amplify the depression.

     Ask a depressed pothead why he continues to smoke pot even though it makes him more depressed after he smokes it. It's because smoking more pot has nothing to do with relieving him of his depression (obviously), as it is actively making his depression worse. He continues to smoke pot because he is a pot addict. I only began drinking and using again once my depression lifted and I felt good. So drugs can cause depression, as they ravage us spiritually, suck our vital energy (Qi), and fuck up our serotonergic and dopaminergic systems, but depression doesn't cause drug addiction. They are really just two different symptoms or byproducts of the same underlying spiritual condition, living side by side.

     Let me tell you how I managed to conquer clinical depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, heroin addiction, cocaine addiction, rage, and a few personality disorders? Um, Work. Yup, that's it. Spiritual action. I pushed myself with everything I have. I walked through pain and fear and discomfort. I dug deeply, became terrifyingly honest with myself and expelled a lifetime of poison and rot-gut shit that infected my mind, heart, soul and body. I tried to clean myself from the poisions of self-seeking, dishonesty and fear. I faced those I had wronged. I tried to empty myself of filth and fill myself up with spirit and power and the love of God. Now to be more accurate, I pathetically attempted to do this stuff in my retarded addict way... but it worked. I tried and I was earnest about it, and because of that, something happened.

     Sure our growth must continue far beyond the initial actions of the Twelve Steps. Movement therapies, Zen meditation, service, art, music, spiritual retreats, hurling oneself into the base of an ice cold waterfall and climbing mountains to the peak are all pretty helpful if we plan to continue growing.

      And yes, I realize these are all just words and people say this sort of shit all the time, but my experience was quite real and unexplainable. I felt a mind-blowing power and flow of energy from the Universe shoot straight down through the top of my head and flow throughout my body, and after that... Depression gone. Bipolar gone. Anxiety gone. Fear gone. Obsession to use drugs gone. Obsession to drink gone. In an instant, I suddenly couldn't give two shits about drugs anymore because I came into brief contact with God, and let me tell you that one little miniscule spec of this kind of Power and you are completely changed for life, or at least changed for some time, and then we must continue to grow and work in a host of other ways. But God exists and anything is possible. This I know.

God, be with me...