Saturday, September 27, 2014

About the Meds...

     One of the reasons people read this blog is because I don't care to appear a certain way or to censor my voice, and so I will do you the service of continuing not to care.

     The people who say how harmful I am cannot indicate anyone who has actually been harmed, including themselves. So it's not that I'm harmful to others, it's just that that is the argument people use when they disagree, which of course means they are lying. To think something is harmful and for something to actually be harmful is the difference between fantasy and reality. Do you know how many emails I get from people who say (to put it lightly) how much this has helped them? I have no idea because I can't count them all. Do you know how many emails I get from people who say how much this has hurt them? None.

     TO NOTE: Non-addicts can do whatever they want to do, so don't bother me about that, because this blog is really about drug addiction and alcoholism, in case you missed that part. But my strong belief is that no mood-altering drug, whether substitution or psychotropic, is good for drug addicts, which may be difficult to understand, but trust me, we are that fucked up. For some reason addicts lack the capacity to think straight about using drugs when we are taking mood-altering substances of any kind. Even if it seems like we are okay for a while, deep down we are not okay. We cannot truly become sane, and if we cannot become sane on the deepest level, then we cannot truly get better. You will never be able to convince me otherwise, and I have seen it hundreds and hundreds of times over the past ten years.

     I know it'd be great if there were some magic pill for all of our problems, but there isn't. Addicts are cursed (or rather, not cursed) to only achieve freedom and health through rigorous hard work guts, honesty, humility, fearlessness, service and selflessness.

      So I written had a few pieces about the dynamics of psychotropic conditioning, but if nobody wants me to post them, I can just not write anything and we can continue to live in this culture of conformity and collectivism. Actually, screw all of that, here is the first one I wrote the other day after I received some accusations that my story and my writing and my life experience was hurting children.

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     Many don't understand that addiction and mental illness cannot actually be cured with science and medication. These ailments are not purely biological and nuero-chemical, as much of our core problem is deep-seated and intangible and occurs on a spiritual level...

     How dare I be so irresponsible and awful and say that medication fails miserably to fix an addict?

     First, um, so everyone out there who has a problem with what I say is qualified to make decisions for other people when it comes to their brain chemistry? I can think some in particular who think it's right to med-up small children and rewire their brains with powerful and untested drugs. See, now I think that is irresponsible, and sorry, but that sounds a little dangerous and a little elitist and is quite a bit different than what I do, which is simply to share my life experience honestly, but I forgot that under the current regime it is wrong in this country for people to think and speak for themselves. And secondly...

     Because I have seen it hundreds, if not thousands of times and it all ends the same. I know of and have worked with hundreds of people, all who have tried to half-ass their recovery on methadone, suboxone and different concoctions of psychotropics and every single one of them has relapsed, some have died. None of them are sober and none of them have any sort of worthwhile condition or attitude, nor have any of them given back to their families properly, and by properly I don't just mean respecting and helping out, but taking care of themselves and recovering mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually to the greatest extent possible.

     I wrote my book and why I write this blog because I was considered one of those mentally ill, severely chemically imbalanced, med'd up zombies who some 'top notch' psychiatrists (lol) were convinced needed to stay that way because of an ignorant and false belief that chemical imbalance is static, i.e. permanent, and would always necessitate meds, and guess what? I failed every time, habitually lapsing back into depression and addiction. I never changed as a person. I knew in my heart of hearts that medication was never going to truly get me better from anything.

     That's what they don't understand. If we don't change, we die, and I believe medication doesn't change addicts in the way we need to be changed because that's what I have witnessed, and I have never witnessed a recovered and truly honest addict on drugs. Drugs often prevent the kind of change necessary to effect lasting recovery. But look, I really don't care what you do. Do whatever you want. I just write my experience. I also don't understand why one person can say what they want to say and another person has to be muzzled. Do people not hear how authoritarian and insane that sounds? So should I not share my 15 year journey of failures (of hell) and the sudden miracle and resulting change of attitude that saved my life?

     Medication doesn't cure mental illness or chemical imbalance, it simply manipulates them temporarily. Sorry, but that's the truth, and how is that so different from drug addiction? If we effectively rewire our brains with artificial doses of dopamine or serotonin, what do you think happens when we remove them? Our brain chemistry goes f'ing haywire, to put it softly, which then sort of enslaves us to our pharmacological regimen. Have we really solved our problem? Are we not still the same person?

     Underneath the medication resides the totality of our pain and poison and spiritual illness. It rots us slowly as it bubbles and grows, ready to explode when the drugs are removed, at least it does for me. And all we have to do to see how profound our addiction and psychosis become when we go into withdrawal from these drugs is to read the label. Do you know how many psychotic breaks we could have in this country if supply chains were suddenly disrupted in an economic collapse and millions of people on psychotropics were suddenly robbed of their artificial neurotransmitters? Yeah, it wouldn't look good at all, and I would def stay inside your house as the 'purge' begins.

     What's so sad is that the Establishment has managed to convince everyone that mental illness, chemical imbalance, and even addiction now cannot be fixed without pharmaceutical intervention, which is the one of the most tragic lies in the history of mental illness and addiction. Your brain chemistry is not static - it changes all day long, all week long, all year long, all century long...  kinda like the climate.

     So why did taking medication and sitting in therapy (key word sitting) fail me so completely and why can we reasonably assume that it will also fail your drug addict?

     It's really simple. It's because I have addiction, which nobody seems to understand. When you have addiction, that is your dual-diagnosis. Addiction will present us with a host of mental disorders, which is in itself a debilitating term, especially since the APA just makes shit up and pushes it as hard science when it is actually just soft science, i.e. not really science, i.e quack psychology, i.e. nonsense. But much more important than understanding the truth behind the system we live in is that if you treat the addiction wholly, if you treat what lies underneath the addiction, you address everything, you address ALL of our problems - you address our addiction, our mental illness, our chemical imbalance, and our life malady, as it were.

     What we really have is a life problem. Those who suffer from addiction and other things can't seem to understand, fathom, accept or adjust to the realities of life. Sure there are some whose brains are severely damaged and lack the capacity to reason, feel, or be honest, but I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about people who are being treated as if they are brain damaged when they really just need to change.

     And unfortunately, we have become conditioned by the hubris of doctors and therapists and teachers and other authority figures who don't really understand human illness and believe we cannot fully heal ourselves by simply addressing the life/spiritual problem. They don't really understand human suffering and healing. They also don't understand the fact that God exists because they have become blinded by intellectual superiority and megalomania. 

     Addiction is a spiritual illness. The physical disease and mental component of addiction are symptoms of an underlying spiritual malady, NOT the other way around. The physical and mental disease of addiction does not bring on our soul sickness, our soul sickness brings on the physical and mental disease of addiction. Very few understand this. Nobody is born a drug addict. We turn ourselves into drug addicts. Nobody who is okay inside and okay on a spiritual level mutates themselves into a drug addict. Instead of blaming our genes like so many like to do to abscond themselves, perhaps we should take some responsibility.

     So we who suffer from addiction simply need a real, comprehensive solution for drug addiction. After fifteen years of listening to some truly nauseating clinicians who have no idea what they're talking about, I finally arrived at a place where I was treated spiritually, took Steps, went home, worked hard, made amends, helped others, meditated everyday for a year, and have been chemically normal since. I have no depression, bipolar, mania, addiction, nothing. I am free from all of that and my life is incredible. I am successful and have grown a family of my own. And yes, most important of all, I have God in my life.

     In fact, once I removed the medication and the therapy and the victim bullshit, once I stopped being a fucking wimp and did some real work on myself, my entire life changed and countless miracles occured. I have been touched and I have God and I give less than a shit what anybody thinks about anything I say, because this is knowledge that I have been given, knowledge that I have about myself and about addiction, and I'm sharing it to try to help you. There are some who appreciate that and whose eyes have been opened when it comes to the dark and confusing subject of addiction.

     And finally, I care deeply about being totally honest as a person and about my experience, and therefore, these are facts and this is the truth. As well, I have written 339 previous posts, so there is tons of information here, and if you have suffered from addiction and alcoholism and mental illness as I have, trust me, you would understand what the hell I'm talking about.

God, please give me knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out...

5 comments:

  1. Charlie, I for one thank God that I found your blog. I thank you for your honesty. I wish there were more treatment centers like the one you went to instead of the bullshit ones that take our money and don't give a shit about the people in the program. We've been through plenty of rehabs and I've never really met a single person working at one of them that cared. It's always about the money. None live up to the claims they make on their websites. It's sickening really. Sorry to vent, I'm having a bad day. I just found out that one of the friends my son made at AA is a weed dealer. He's 60 yrs old and goes to meetings to get kids to sell for him. I'm so disgusted....with everything right now.

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    1. I thank God for you. Breathe and let's pray together. I wish there were too, but ultimately we must be willing to do the work and grow in order to recover. As well, we must be willing to change and to believe that something Greater than ourselves can get us better. We must believe that we cannot get ourselves better. It is only when we let go of this veil of pride and arrogance about being able to do anything that we feel true humility, which is the first step and from which we can go on to accomplish anything.

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  2. "...if you treat what lies underneath the addiction, you address everything, you address ALL of our problems - you address our addiction, our mental illness, our chemical imbalance, and our life malady, as it were." What do you say regarding teenagers who are from a stable and loving family? My son may tell you that his underling issues were struggling in school with ADHD and being in the wrong sort of school (catholic for middle school 6-8) which caused him to become depressed. Recently he has said this is why he is the way that he is, but I see that as justification for bad choices and drinking and using pot. I feel as if right now he is adding more reasons to justify his using. So that in a few years he can add strained relationships with my parents to to the mix. I guess, I'm saying that right now he doesn't have many underlying issues. You commented to me before that he just hasn't suffered enough (but he actually has had some very messed up things happen in the past year). He is just using drugs and alcohol because he likes the way they make him feel. I'm so lost and heart broken. And I know things could get a lot worse and could be a lot worse.
    Everyone has to find their own spirituality in their own way and time. Can you offer any advice on how a parent can encourage a teen to turn to God to be healed? I suppose, I have to keep praying for his heart and mind to open. Teenagers by their very nature are difficult and stubborn with little capability to look to the future - then add in the compulsion to abuse alcohol and drugs and it's a flippin' nightmare. I enjoy your blog and have learned a lot in the short time I have been reading it. Thank you for your reply on my last comment (POA post). We have quit giving our son money and taking away comforts. Your advise about using and abusing pot and alcohol needs to correlate with an uncomfortable life makes a lot of sense.
    Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading and for your prayers.

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    1. Thank you, and I agree entirely with your assessment of his justification being absolute nonsense and simply an excuse, as there is no justification to use once we have lost control. Plenty of people have been through shit and don't mutate themselves into emaciated drug addicts or even dumbass potheads. But moreover, it is wrong to use anyway, regardless of what we've been through, and we give up the right to drink and use the second we lose control and the second we begin to hurt others.

      That being said, the same two people can be thoroughly loved while one becomes a great success and the other becomes an addict. Conversely, the same two people can be thoroughly abused while one becomes an addict and the other becomes a great success. Family is irrelevant. Reasons are irrelevant. There are no reasons. None of the school stuff etc. has any relevance whatsoever as to why he uses in my belief, and I'm quite sure that deep down he also knows that is BS. He uses because he wants to use and he like to use, and he doesn't prefer they way he feels sober, which is simply called being human. We all suffer.

      I do not believe there are any actual reasons that can be blamed for why we use. We are the only ones to blame. Saying all that stuff is just a way to justify and rationalize using the way we want to use. And if we can get you to feel bad for us, that we are a victim, it gets you off our back and nourishes or strokes our conscience while we simultaneously do the wrong thing. But we are not victims. I recommend that nobody believe such a thing about an addict or an alcoholic.

      About God and young people, there are several things I might say, depending on who I'm working with. I might remind them that they've tried several things and failed, so clearly there is something wrong or missing in their approach. I might ask them, why not try this? Go ahead and and prove me wrong... let's see what happens. I might also remind the young person that while he or she can do all sorts of other things, when it comes to drugs and alcohol, they react abnormally, which means they obviously lack the power to control this particular part of their lives... so where are they to get the power if they do not have it?

      Another way might be to tell them to forget all about the word God and the religious aspect of it and just simply dive into this program of right action and moral action and see what happens. We could also play a game and temporarily suspend our disbelief in God, jump in, and see if something hits us along the way.

      And finally, sometimes I just point blank ask my sponsees, 'Who are you to say that God cannot get you better? You can't really prove it because you haven't tried yet, so go ahead and prove me wrong out of spite and maybe you get zapped along the way and then suddenly you just proved yourself wrong and then you can see how obstinate and wrong you were and I can call you a dumbass again.' ;-)

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  3. "Who are you to say that God cannot get you better? You can't really prove it because you haven't tried yet, so go ahead and prove me wrong out of spite and maybe you get zapped along the way..." so many good points in your reply. Thank you. I will continue to do what I need to do. God Speed.

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