I remember making an amends to an old boss, one of a long list of people whom I swore I'd forever avoid like the plague. I was bubbling over with shame, humiliation and disgrace after driving company trucks around jammed out of my skull, stealing pills from people's homes we entered, selling drugs to other employees, and threatening my poor boss in an effort to extort thousands of dollars out of him. Walking into his office that day I could feel streams of sweat trickling down the back of my arms... and just to add some insult, the ass of my pants was soaked through as well. Nervous, shaking, heart-pounding and gut churning, I approached him and became accountable for my wrongs.
This is how we change. This is how we turn from insecure, cowardly boys into strong, confident men. Recovering from drugs and alcohol is the process of growing up and becoming an adult. To do that, we have to first understand that suffering isn't a novelty. Then we have to roll up our sleeves and do that which frightens us the most. We simply walk right into it. And we should also do so without announcing it to everyone we know or expecting a trophy afterwards.
I also remembering waking up one day after years of non-stop action and realized, Holy shit, my life is incredible. It is full of blessings and miracles, loving friends and family, purpose and power. It's not complicated, it just requires some actual work. Think of it as the new high. See how much fear and discomfort you can walk through. Challenge yourself. That's what I did. And I HATE losing a challenge. I hate being a wimp.
You see, because we addicts are dishonest phonies, we should generally be doing exactly what we don't feel like doing. To get better, we must do the very things we fear. If we cannot fathom that, we aren't cut out for the Steps. If we aren't willing to follow our gut (conscience), then we should probably just start drinking and shooting dope again. And if we don't even have a conscience, or if it doesn't return once sober and engaging the steps, then drugs and alcohol are the least of our problems.
Walking into fear dissipates cowardice, depression, self-pity, and fear itself. Again, this is how we get better. When we walk through tough feelings in order to do what is right, we grow. In fact, it is absolutely necessary to take action while suffering, while we are afraid and in pain. Only by having courage during tough times do we then get this relief and this peace within. God will reward us with serenity and give us more power to take even more action. As our conscience expands with each right action, we become a shield against spiritual poison. We begin to repel that which is wrong and destructive. That's why addiction is most certainly a moral problem and why the solution is right action.
If we come to naturally repel what's wrong, we have reacquired the power to stay sober. That is the name of the recovery game. That's the trick to getting and staying better - caring about what we do, caring about the consequences of our actions. Without a conscience that is in tact, do you really expect methadone maintenance to work? Lol, please. Some of this stuff I read on other blogs is so backwards, I sometimes feel that there is little point to continue doing this.
At any rate, if it seems difficult to climb that mountain of fear and discomfort, that's because it's supposed to be. We don't get to recover and have inner peace without some hard work. But when it seems impossible and when we cannot find the willingness and courage to walk into our fears, ASK for it. Sincerely ask God for willingness, strength, courage and power. If we ask for these things for a righteous and selfless cause, He will deliver them to us. Why wouldn't He, for their is nothing more selfless and pure then wanting the power to get better so we may serve others and do God's work.
God, be with me...