Want To Stop But Can't

     As I stood, emaciated and dope-sick, staring into the broken bathroom mirror of the shithole real estate office I worked for, I finally wanted to change but had reached the point of no return. When you finally want to stop but can't, that's when you know you're screwed. I had no hope, no will, no energy, no power... and worst of all, I had no solution. I had already tried every imaginable remedy to get better and fix myself and failed miserably every time. I tried therapy, pills, relationships, traveling, jobs, herbs, homeopathies, self-help books, AA & NA meetings, and on and on.

     I drank and used for fifteen years until I was sick, spiritless, incoherent, numb and careless. My depression was so great that it wouldn't let me go. It was like I had fallen in wet cement and woke up one day to find myself immovable. Officially unsalvagable.

     It was only because I was financially broke that I finally dragged myself to detox. Once physically sober, I decided to go up North, but that was mainly because my wife, mother, and the bitter social worker lady wouldn't stop bitching at me. So to shut everyone up, I went up North. Perhaps I knew deep inside that if I walked out of detox, I was a dead man. Or maybe it was a simple case of divine intervention.

     It wasn't long before my entire attitude changed. After meeting a recovered addict for the first time, I not only wanted to change, but for the first time in my life, I became willing to do anything it took to accomplish that. No thought, feeling, relationship, circumstance or life event was going to stop me, regardless of how dark or horrifying.

     So my advice to addicts is: at some point it will really help your cause if you want to change. I believe with all my heart that if we truly want to change and are willing to go to any lengths, the universe will conspire to bring us opportunities to make that happen. God is there for us... we just need to get over ourselves and then humbly and wholeheartedly ask Him for help.

     I was reading Proof of Heaven last night and it amazed me that the same thought came into my head as I faced death. In 1996, after being hit by a drunk driver plowing the wrong way down Rt. 128, a local highway, I regained consciousness some two days later in the ICU unit at Mass General. I couldn't move and I couldn't see. I knew something was terribly wrong. After realizing my predicament, the first thought that went through my head was, God help me...

God, please teach me to let go of Self...