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Showing posts from October, 2012

Wait, You Don't Like Me?

I don't get it... I got sober and did all this work on myself and completely changed... I literally performed a miracle act, and now my wife doesn't even like me!

     This is one of the many false assumptions we addicts fall prey to, as do our spouses. We think that once we get sober and repair ourselves, we will finally have the relationship we always dreamed of. To add insult to injury, our spouses get all excited while we're away at treatment, fantasizing about our new life together. And then what happens? We come home and it hits us both like a ton of bricks. That old person, as demented and sick as he or she was, is usually the person our spouses met and fell in love with, not the person who has come home from treatment.

     Suddenly they realize, Wait a minute, I'm not sure I even like you anymore. And yikes, I've suddenly lost some of my desire for you. Shit, maybe I don't really love you, this new person you are.

     Why does this happen? Most likely…

Pray For Those We Resent

What happens if we write inventory but a resentment continues to haunt us?

     Pray for that person. I suggested this to someone who my wife and I were trying to help and her response was, "I'm not praying for that bitch! I pray that she rots in fucking hell!"

     She relapsed about two weeks later, becoming delusional once again.

     If you can't pray for someone whom you resent, then you probably aren't cut out for the Steps. If we don't have the guts or the courage or the willingness to grow spiritually, than relapse is inevitable. Swallowing our pride and ego and anger is a sign of maturity, but a refusal to mature and evolve will surely lead to failure. We will relapse, cause more pain to others, and eventually leave behind an unresolved life after a premature death.

From Alcoholics Anonymous, p.552:

     "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you w…

Resenting Ourselves?

Just saw a google search on the stats page that read, how do you inventory self-resentment? I've also been asked this question by sponsees who are writing their 4th Step inventory.

     Can I resent myself? 
     No. We do not write inventory about resentments we may have towards ourselves. We do not resent ourselves because it is selfish. It is a form of self-pity. Engaging in self-deprecation and regret is an act of selfishness. We must forgive ourselves so we can move on and serve others. And it is the same with every other Step.
     Ultimately, we are not taking Steps for ourselves. We are taking Steps to recover so that we can become useful to others and to God. The goal is to finally grow up, get outside of ourselves, and give back. The goal is to be able and willing to help others.
     Take the 9th Step amends for example. We don't make these amends to clear our conscience. We make them for the object of our amends, the person we hurt. We make them to give them so…

Couples Therapy

We can't change the inner reality by changing the outer reality...

     Why didn't couples therapy save our relationship? For the very same reason that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn't save the addict. It's backwards. We're talking about two damaged people with their own individual issues trying to focus on fixing the specifics of their marriage. Huh? How can a marriage of two screwed up people be fixed by focusing on the marriage? What saved our torn marriage wasn't couples therapy. What saved our marriage was the fact that both of us worked on ourselves separately, and as a byproduct of individual change, our relationship healed. If we don't fix ourselves, everything else will eventually fail.

     This is true in all other facets of life. We can't try to fix some problem in our lives without changing ourselves. We will fail every time. Why? Because our outer lives are merely a reflection of our inner lives. When we realize this and begin to chang…

Triggers Don't Exist

Why does the mainstream treatment community tell us that relapse is part of recovery when it has nothing to do with recovery? Newsflash: It's not okay to relapse. Doctors, therapists, social workers, and so-called addiction specialists blindly recite the false text book mantra that "relapse is part of recovery."

     Why?

     Because they simply don't know anything else. The sad truth is that millions of professionals out there don't actually know what addiction is (spiritual ailment) or how to treat it. Why is it okay to relapse when relapsing means another long and destructive cycle of lies, theft, sadness, pain, heartache and damage to countless others?

     Treatment 'experts' say that triggers exist for addicts and alcoholics, and as such, treatment revolves around avoiding people or places or things that trigger us. Ah, you gotta be kidding me. First of all, triggers don't exist. Flimsy excuses. Being alive is our only trigger. Nothing mak…

Excuses of an Addict

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"Sorry I relapsed, guys, but it was the liquor store's fault. If the liquor store wasn't on my block, I never would've relapsed."
     "Sorry I relapsed, Mom, but it's because I walked by my friend's house and his door triggered me. My social worker said that his door was one of my triggers, so I can blame my relapse on his door."      "Sorry I relapsed, Dad, but I walked down a certain street somewhere and that was one of my triggers. It was the street's fault. So I guess it was the city engineer's fault."      "Sorry I relapsed, everybody, but the world is really chaotic now politically, economically and environmentally, and that triggers me. If everyone would just cool out, I could stay sober. It's all y'all's fault."
     "Sorry I drink wine every night like a selfish pig but it's my right because nobody knows what I go through and nobody knows how I feel. I'm the only o…

Medication vs Meditation

Just like untreated alcoholics get touchy about the fact that they are white knuckling it and pointlessly going to meetings, so do depressive types get touchy about where their depression came from. When I say that depression is our own fault, I'm not saying it to hurt our already sensitive feelings. I say it purely as a matter of fact.

     Nobody gives us depression or makes us depressed. Fact. You don't catch depression in the air. Fact. We are solely responsible for our depression. Fact. Why is it so offensive to simply understand ourselves and what it is that makes us suffer? Everything we feel and everything we become is the result of our own choices, actions, reactions and responses. Nothing else is to blame for the mental disorders we end up with, just like nothing and no one is to blame for us becoming alcoholics or drug addicts.

     People also get touchy about going to the doctor for meds. I realize that if something is difficult to conquer on your own, or wit…

Victim Mentality

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Victim is a state of mind...

     Victims believe that their feelings and their circumstances are all caused by something outside of themselves. They are ignorant to the fact that they are 100% responsible for how they feel. It should come as no surprise that victims have no interest in your life. They will blab on for hours about what so and so did to them without ever thinking that it might be appropriate to shut up and ask you about your own life, feelings, or struggles. When good things happen to you, it's like a dagger in the victim's heart. Success for you means jealousy and resentment for the victim, as they quickly dump their woes on you to divert attention away from your blessings. If you do not agree that they are victims, they will turn on you viciously. They will only reach out to you with charm or kindness when they want something from you. And you better give it to them to avoid incurring their wrath. They have no shame. They are desperate.

     Victims bel…

Monsters

When I was actively drinking and using, breaking up with women was a total disaster. Regardless of the circumstances, I was hell bent on getting the last word in - abusive word, that is. It was necessary to rip these poor girls apart in order to repair the sideswipe to my pride, ego and self-esteem as I heard the words, "I can't be with you anymore."

     EXCUSE ME?! How could anyone break up with ME?! She must be a delusional, stupid, worthless, piece of shit whore! 

     The feeling of rejection was just way too much for me to comprehend. Being a selfish addict (aka pathetic child), discomfort was to be avoided at all costs, even if that meant ripping my unfortunate girlfriends to shreds. You name it, I said it.

     Now that I have a wife of 9 years and a newborn son, I have to watch it with my mouth. We addicts are generally pretty skilled at the art of verbal abuse. Same with many of the personality disorders we might find in the DSM-IV. Especially NPD and BPD. T…

Touched By God

In an instant, I was changed forever. As I finished reading twelve hours of inventory, I got down on my knees and recited a prayer from the Big Book. The moment I finished, I laughed and cried simultaneously. In that instant, something from outside of my body hit me like a lightening bolt.

     It was mind-numbing in its power. It was unfathomable and indescribable and totally unreachable. It was limitless and unprecedented and capable of anything. In every sense, it was beyond the scope of human understanding and conception. It was pure freedom and pure emptiness and pure love. It flowed through me for a brief time. My mind was suddenly reset and there were no thoughts. All of my fear vanished, and I knew that I was okay and that anything was possible.

     It was then I realized that there exists a power so beyond our realm of comprehension that it's pointless to even discuss. I realized that GOD must be this mind-blowing power that is so boundless and so beautiful. One br…