Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Why Alcoholics Hurt People


     Sadly, people who find this blog often type in the search phrase, 'why do alcoholics hurt us?', which results in an older post I wrote about why drinking is selfish. I renamed that post, Selfish No Matter What, and hopefully this one will come up instead.

     First, let me tell you that it's not because of you. You are not the reason. There is no person, place or thing to blame. We have only ourselves to blame for our selfish actions.

     Alcoholics and addicts hurt others because their addiction comes first before everything. And if our addiction is our very top priority, then we will do anything it takes to use the way we want, even if that means lying to you, stealing from you, manipulating you, deceiving you, abusing you, hurting you and breaking your heart.

     Many of us probably don't want to hurt you at all, but if we are addicts, our addiction comes first, and that means nothing and nobody will get in the way of us drinking and using to our little hearts' content.

     The truth is that you will never come first, because even if we recover, we will have to put our spiritual health above all else. But don't worry, because if an addict actually puts spiritual growth above all else, then our relationships and every other facet of our lives will end up in the best possible condition. For us, if our relationship with God becomes second to anything, we will lose everything anyway... and then nobody will get what they want. It's all or none for us. We can't worship anything worldly or we will become sick and eventually relapse.

     We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones. We hurt others because we are pathetic, whiny children who have no clue that life is not about us feeling good all of the time. We hurt others because our minds have become twisted and warped from drinking and using so much that we cannot even see we are hurting you. We have become deranged and delusional, only believing what we need to tell ourselves to keep our habit going uninterrupted. We hurt you because we have begun lying to ourselves, and when we lie to ourselves, we don't know if what we're doing is up or down, left or right, right or wrong, real or unreal. We have broken our minds and therefore we are insane. Insane people don't know what they're doing. They only do what they think they need to do to maintain the phony existence they are living.

     There is no excuse for addicts and alcoholics to hurt anyone, and without a doubt, we hurt people just by picking up a drink or drug, let alone the various forms of abuse we inflict. If we have lost control of our drinking or our using, every time we drink or use, we hurt others. There is no getting around that. There is no such thing as using or drinking in a vacuum.

     So my advice to fellow addicts is to realize that you are fake, and then grow up and go get better. We get better because we have given up the right to drink and use drugs. We get better because we no longer deserve to focus on making ourselves feel comfortable 24/7. We get better because it is the right thing to do. We get better because we owe it to everybody in our lives... and we owe it to the entire world. Contrary to what we might believe, the world owes us nothing, so get better because the only other option is to die a miserable death, and spiritually speaking, you don't want to do that and wind up in some awful place, or wind up coming back to learn the same lessons you were too much of a coward to learn this time around.

God, please show me how much I have hurt others... 

134 comments:

  1. This is a great post Charlie.

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    1. Thank you so much for this. My boyfriend did the whole cut and run. He decided our relationship was over in his mind (without telling me) drank with a very violent relapse and then came back sober with all kind of new AA girls to distract him.
      All of sudden his heart was cold and it's been very hard for me to adjust to all of this and the abandonment. Any thoughts from anyone would be helpful.

      In recovery, take care.

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    2. I can relate. My boyfriend spiraled out of control surprisingly quickly, and went from a loving partner to a verbally abusive, self-absorbed person I didn't recognize. As grateful as I am to not be in that situation anymore, I am feeling abandoned and rejected, because he really didn't make much of an effort to salvage the relationship, just threw in the towel when things got tough. My only offering to you is to let you know that you are not alone. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

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    3. You learn who they really are. Redemption takes work that they don't want to do. Won't admit they did bad, won't ask for forgiveness, or try and make amends. Lost a 23 year marriage to addiction. She could not care less about what she did to her entire family. She has no regrets. Take care of your self. Do something fun for yourself NOW.

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    4. I am married to an alchoholic for 30 plus years. He totaled his fifth vehicle and covered it up by saying he wanted to kill himself. He then chose to self commit ..when he got out four days later. He went to a phycologist that mafe him feel better by saying it is an illness. He got all kinds of attention over this. I basically gotblamed because I didnt handle it and left him for 9 months. I csme back because i couldnt afford to be on my own and didnt want to make him sell the house we built together. Big mistake..my daughters have written me off. I get no support for what I did when he ws drinking running around and being abusive to me. I kept us afloat financially, tried to be a good mom, worked hard to keep us going. Now I am a bitter bitch in their eyes who did everything wrong. And he is a nightin shinning armor. I am labled a codependant..which is basically a bad thing. Still getting the raw end of the deal ehy is ghere no support for us?

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    5. I am living with my 68 year old alcoholic brother. His wife had enough after 43 years of marriage. He smokes 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes per day, burning holes in the carpet and the couch, spills food and coffee every where because he shakes like a leaf. Starts drinking at 8:00 am and doesn't stop until he passes out and then wakes up and starts drinking again. He has serious anger issues, yells and cusses at the TV with the foulest mouth I have ever heard. He does not take a bath, maybe once a month. Don't think he even uses soap. He stinks and is basically a bum. He drives drunk, talks to himself. He destroys everything he touches, cell phones, remote control to TV, kicked and tore the lawn mower up because he couldn't get it started. Tore up the weed eater. Any tangible object that he touches if it doesn't work right it gets broke. I have taken him to the VA but he won't go back. I have called the police on him but they won't do anything. I guess he has to kill someone driving drunk before anything will get done. I wanted to call the police and get him caught driving drunk but friends say I shouldn't do that. Why? Well he could go to jail or prison. My thoughts are if it saves a life then his butt needs to be in jail. He spends 1200.00 a month for his smoking and drinking habit and I have do everything for him. We live in a nice home and I have given up cleaning up after him. He pees all over the bathroom and I constantly walk around trying to clean up ashes on the floor and pee around the toilet. I keep the yard up, wash his clothes ,take care of all of his bills. I am afraid to leave the house because I am afraid he will burn it down along with my three cats. His brain is fried and he does lie and blame everything on everyone else. My life is a living nightmare. We have another brother who won't get involved and help me. My health is going down hill from being so stressed with him. He has been living with me for 6 months and has destroyed this house. He won't sleep in a bed. Sleeps in chair or on the couch. The TV has been on constantly for 6 months day and night. He has no feelings about other people. Has no friends. What should I do?

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    6. Call the police when he drives drunk. He will be forced into treatment. Could save his life as well as others.

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    7. Right. I've called the police dozens of times on my husband, yet they still have not pulled him over.

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    8. I'm glad I found this I'm in love with an alcoholic he drinks beer He is dependent For 1 thing Every afternoon he has to drill nk 4 to 6 or more beers while he's driving. He's had many DWIs Spends 2 to 4 weeks in jail he's been in jail more times than I can count around Recently he was pulled over The cop gave him a break and the main thing he said was I still have that beer He had a beer hidden in his coat while he was in the cop car that made him more happy than anything I don't live in his town which helps I feel he has an Arrested development both his parents died before he was 18 I know that has to something to do with it I once told him You have suffered something horrible But that does not mean that you are entitled to never suffer again in life but he never Learned how to Cope He doesn't have a job he has a "Hustle" selling used cars, parts and tags he Never makes a profit Ever just does it so that he has a car to drive which is illegal from top to bottom he goes to jail for that as well he comes out of jail with clear thoughts but none of those thoughts are ever I'm going to stop drinking he has odd eating sleeping and television practices he is underweight he is living in his aunts Attic apartment his rent is late Every month. It boggles my mind and is just So hard to understand why he does not seem to have Any desire to quit drinking going to jail being poor LOL Like so many posts before I love him I live 3 states away I no longer send him $ pay this phone bill things like that he got frustrated and was horribly mean & Broke up with me Again but he went to jail the next day so We didn't break down up I don't go to see him as much I know that its Nott going to work for us because he is too Immature selfish an egomaniac and a Sociopath to Love anyone He doesn't love himself and it's sad because he is one of the best amen I've ever met smart handsome etc. his family knows he's a drunk they love him from a distance i've never spoken about this to this degree with anyone so sorry it's long but I appreciate being able to talk text it iIts.been on over 3years We are in our 50s
      I wanted to read about it to see what I already know it's not going to work out and I need to go thanks again

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    9. You need to stop the blame game, Charlie. Addiction is a disease, and is largely genetic. How you got any award at all for spewing forth this bullshit is beyond me. There are problem drinkers, and about 10% of those are real addicts. If experience tells me anything, it's that you LOVE being the know-it-all about something you only know from one tiny side. You are the reason people don't seek treatment. You are the reason people ignore all the science that says the polar opposite. You are who the Surgeon General was addressing in his statement about addiction. Grow up. Stop capitalizing on the ignorance of others, and pick up a damned book.

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    10. My brother and sister both are alcoholics. I didn't realize it for many years because they tried to hide it. But for many years they have put me through hell. Starting fights with me about nothing, lieing constantly, blaming me for everything wrong in their lives. I put so much effort into having a healthy relationship with them, and they would always find a way to be mad at me, and make me feel like I was the crazy, unhealthy one. It wasn't until recently when my mom told me that they are alcoholics, that things finally started making sense. I feel a bit angry putting so much effort,emotions and time into a relationship with them, when now I know that is nearly impossible until they realize for themselves they have a problem, and then they get the help they need. I am just now learning about alcoholism, so this page has been very helpful. I could've saved myself alot of heartache, by realizing beforehand about the truth of the situation. They have both pushed me out of their lives. I have lost both my siblings to alcohol. It is so painful! I have mourned the loss of them in my life, it feels as though they are both dead. All I can do is Love them and continue to pray for them. I wish you all the strength you need to heal from the alcoholics abuse in your life. Blessings ♡

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  2. OMGoodness! Thank you so much for t his. IMy daughter-in-law is an alcoholic with 2 small children 7 and 8. The 8 year old has an eating disorder. He is refusing to eat. I don't know how to help him. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.

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    1. Hi - Try Hypnotherapy. Works like a charm!

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    2. Go to Al Anon. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my son is now in recovery, thank God. Before i went to al anon, i "had to" do everything for him. My life was out of control with caretaking. I am learning how to love him in a healthy way.

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  3. Thank you Charlie for telling it straight to those who love an alcoholic. Many sights fluff the response by using the "its a disease" statement which we know but didn't explain it to us. Actually, I am tired of the "disease" statement. Alccoholics put their family & friends through hell for many years then when they do stop drinking/or drugs & say a remark like, "I've been sober for 9 months & 22 days" they get applause from the company around them. Screw that. The ones that deserve the applase are the ones who went through the hell mentally, financially &physically for years in dealing or trying to help them.
    Thank you Charlie for telling it like it is!

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    1. Preach it! So true everything you just wrote. Where is the applause for the people who survived the narcissistic BS?!

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    2. You are so right. Ive only been seeing an alcoholic for a month. Im nearly 60. I did not know until the first week he even drank. He drinks at least a case a day. He is so selfish. Life is all about him! Him!! You are so right on with your reply!

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    3. You need to get away from him ASAP !! Especially if you think you could love him. It is emotional torture to be in love with an alcoholic. I have been divorced from one for ten years, and still not over it. Good luck to you, and many prayers.

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    4. My emotions are on a see saw. Happy/Sad, Happy/Sad. You put it exactly how it is also. We don't get any applause for being put through hell. We are left to pick up the pieces of our broken selves while they are all happy now they have given everything over to a higher power. I wish there was a magic button to push to make me happy again. Thank you for your post.

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    5. I'm tired of the disease copout too. This is a great post. Most of my family are alcoholics. My dad never drank or smoked so I wound up in the middle. I can have a couple drinks every now and then. Thank you Dad, you pretty much saved my life.
      most of my family is now in recovery, but you reminded me that even when they are sober, I will be dead last on their list of considerations. And why I keep my distance. I keep wishing that my family could be "normal", but they never fail to remind me that's never going to happen.
      so, good insight, thanks!

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    6. I agree! I was in a relationship for 6+ years with an alcoholic. The abuse I endured was terrible. I finally called it quits 5 months ago but I am really struggling with my decision. I know deep down I am better off but it hurts knowing how much love and effort I put in to the relationship. He already has a new girlfriend and it just hurts. It's like I never meant anything to him. Just moved on to the next girl like it's no big deal. How do I get through this?

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  4. Thanks, I needed a good look in the mirror.

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  5. This helped me so much! I have put up with an addict for far too long. Thank you, Charlie!

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  6. Thank you. I started dating an alcoholic about a month ago. He obly talkks about his sex life with his wives and countless girlfriends. I just listen. Everything revovles around me getting him to the nearest store for beer. He lives in another town and has no vehicle. He was so drunk today as he called me walking to the bar he did not remember it was my birthday. He sure didnt call back. He wont remember. He never remembers anything but his past life. Not interested in me my life nothing. Am I this freaking needy?? God help me!

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    1. There is a facebook group if your interested. If yiu type Alcoholic family support.. thats there page that will direct u to their group. Its lovely in there.. alot of support and advice

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    2. Kendra go to Al anon and get away from this man. You've only got a month in. Leave him now. Trust me. I just spent 9 months and he never stopped being selfish. He cheated on me.

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  7. Married to an alcoholic man for many years. For the first 20 years, it was a decent life. Then gradually things started getting ugly. Always criticizing, calling everyone selfish, and being mean - in a bipolar sort of way. Some of the things he has done have been insane. It has been a tough 5 years dealing with the things said and done, and being made to feel like I am worthless. I know he is not capable of real feelings for me anymore and that is hard, the loss of that.

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  8. I met the man I loved in 2006 and he seemed fine, drank but not excessively. I did not see him again until 2012 when we got together and he was still okay but drinking more and more. I knew there was something wrong but I still fell in love with him. He was the sweetest kindest gentleman I had ever met. He said and did a few things, like ignoring me, giving cold shoulder. We stayed in touch for a year and I found out he had been in hospital with hep c (alcohol related). I came across to Canada to be near him and we got together and had fun but although I was intimate and showed him affection, he did not or could not return this. I told him I loved him in August 2013 and he told me I was crazy and to f/off and get out of his life. I kept trying as I did not want to give up on him but he called me names and told me to go home. I was devestated, hurt and thought he hated me. I thought if I gave him time/space we could work things out, but he died of alcoholic liver disease/cirhossis in March 2014. This past couple of years has been tough but this past few months more so as all my hope as gone. I know now I will never see him again and will never know if he hated me in the end or whether he pushed me away because of the drinking. His close friend told me afterwards that Brian had loved having me in his life, he just did not know how to show it. He did not believe a man showed affection. He said I should think of the good times, that Brian rarely let anyone get close/into his life and he did with me so to think of that. He always came across as being selfish/self centered and I never knew if he cared about me or not and this tears me apart. I love him, despite everything and can't imagine loving anybody else.

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    1. I think he did love you and even though he was all that , it was cause he didn't want you being mistreated by him and wanted you to let go and live a happy existence (which you deserve) . I think he was fighting and having a hard time keeping his head above the water cause he was drowning in it. If you love him that much let go and live for him. Do the things he can't do anymore and be the person he can't be anymore cause he is gone. I think this will please him and his family. Hope this helps cause that's all I want to do is help. Btw my dad was an alcoholic.

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    2. I think He has loved you more than you were able to see . Everything he did looks huge to you but it's that very small show of love that is actually huger when he pushes you away cause he was drunk. I got a feeling he knew you loved him very much and I don't think he hated you at all. If you love him then you'll live and love and do the things you both would've done together because you didn't need to be with him when he was fighting it. It is a very hard road that is emotionally strong and can break a person who is the one going through it with an addict. Remember him when he was sober as his friends said cause that will make what he went through worth wanting to be with you for. If he mentioned you to a friend then you are very loved and cherished by him. Live , Laugh , Love.

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    3. i know exactly how you feel. i feel this way like a yo yo. i could never begin to love a man in such a way...then i wonder...am i in denial?

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  9. Hi I am an Enabler. My hubby of 26 years and 2 children. Always thought if I not made such a big deal of his drinking no one else would notice. So when hubby needed me to go get something or pick him up I did. Years went on and he would stop for periods of time and it only took one old good buddy to say hey one drink won't hurt ya and that lead to 2 to 12 soon he was back drinking full force. He was ready but his body was taking a toal he found out he had Hep C in the 90's but he was indespencible he thought. Well hubby had a massive heart attack while in ICU all his organs were shutting down due to meds to hard on the liver. Comes to find out hubby has Cirrohsis of liver. Never had any bed ridden symptoms cause usually once you do have symptoms its pretty severe. My hubby is like a cat with 9 lives. There are many times where he should not be here today but the good Lord still has a plan for my man. He left the hospital 7 days later. Doctors were amazed of his progress and went home to stay sober for about 6 months. One night driving home an unbenonced to me he was drinking again and since his heart attack was put on 8 different meds flipped his truck into a pond off the side of the road. His truck went front bumper over back bumper crushed in the roof and submerged into the water. Hubby tried to get out of his truck and drivers door was jammed. The water was filing up truck cab, hubby's seatbelt was hard to release but final swam to back seat and got out back door swimming to surface. How crazy. It took 8 hours to get his truck out of the pond and it was totaled after staying in water so long. It has been a learning experience of the loss of family he would loose and material objects such as his truck. To this day hubby hasn't drank. It has been 2 1/2 years now and pretty much every night after the accident hubby had nightmares of drowning which scared the living crap out of him. An alcoholic has to want to stop drinking. I always thought maybe I could change his mind but it only lasted for a while and they go right back even stronger drinking than before. I am 27 years in on our marriage and I think the alcohol got the best of my hubby now I have a fragile older man who just didn't get why alcohol is killing his body off. The damage is done so he just has to not pick up another drink of alcohol and hopefully he will extend his years alittle bit. Good luck out there caregivers.

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  10. Use the word "hubby" one more time and I will drink for him. Have you considered the fact that he might be a bit smarter than you and by referring to him as "hubby" in daily language he might actually want to kill himself?

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    1. lmao 😂😂😂yeah she went overboard on the hubby thing!

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    2. I find it sad to think that anyone would be so critical and then support that criticism when clearly this is a place people come to in pain. So the woman is not a professional writer. Maybe she did not want to keep repeating his name to keep it anonymous so she substituted hubby. I did not mind. It was the message that mattered.

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  11. The only answer seems to be walk away. I have been with an alcoholic since May 2013 and no one tells the truth and no one cares. Not the dog and pony lawyers, his Mom or family. He will made us homeless and was on the road to do it again till I stopped the trainwreck. Nothing anyone told me would stop me loving him until I realized it is him. It is his hate, his meanness, and selfish ways....it is who he is. I am finally pushing him out. I have grown to hate him. So what should you do? Put on your iron shield and get a hard heart and walk away. They do not change ever.

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    1. You are exactly right they don't change I was married to an alcoholic for ten years best thing I done was got rid there manipulating nasty selfish and abusive and all they care about is themselves they use people make out they love you because a alcoholic always needs someone in there life so they will marry you just to feel safe so yeah I feel for you walk away it won't get better .

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  12. Speak for yourself. Addicts are individuals like any other variety of human being-not ghouls riddled with character defects. Try lightening up on yourself, and stop painting others with broad brush strokes.

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    1. Yes, addicts are human beings who choose the path of misery, to feed their own demon and become slave of it. They run and hide in their own dark cave - addiction - whenever they face any kind of challenges. No one ever has taught me the word 'dignity', I have found it. I could have so many reasons to desert myself. An orphan, a homeless, an abused child verbally and physically, I had no other choice but to be strong, It was my dignity.
      And I became a healer. I chose this path.
      You need to grow up and look at the sky not a tiny bathroom window. This is my advice.

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    2. Not ghouls, just self entitled.

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    3. Addicts are "cowards" because they refuse to grow up. They don't need our sympathy, instead they need to be told over and over again (though it won't help) what pieces of drek they truely are.

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    4. They are cowards my ex left with no explanation & upon getting in touch with him weeks later he told me to get a life. Stop harassing him & said he hated me & was never happy in our four years together. It's been 8 weeks since we parted & he has been cruel,blaming me for our problems calling me a big mouth. It's upsetting to me bcuz this man has quit hos job & went from drinking 3 nights out of the week to 6 nights. I saw the man I love change right before me into this insecure angry & now unrecognizable person. He called me a big mouth for telling him to sober up & get back in touch with reality among other colorful words. But most of all I did call him an alcoholic & he has now decided to hate me.

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  13. Hello, Just reading these comments some come to this site to get some support. What I am reading is that there is a lot of unhappy words written. One thing about going through a situation is hopefully we can come out of it with some reassurance things will be better in the long haul. Caring for your loved one can be difficult because yes you can be the punching bag, but also the person who has the addiction needs help and reassurance. They will only change when it is right for them. They will at first try to change for you but if they are not dedicated to change they will thrive to the addiction again. If you need to leave for yourself to survive then leave but if you can live for today and assist with your love one they will want to change for the better. There has to be some reason they are addicting in the first place chemical imbalance triggers so if they have the will to change they will do so. Having happy and positive people around them will help.

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  14. Happy and positive people....no way in my house! My husband has driven every happy and positive thought out of his life. He has been an alcoholic for 40 years! It has been hell living w/this man.
    He is selfish, insulting, abusive, combative, argumentative and down right cruel! Our children grew up listening to him screaming, ruining meals, doors slamming, ruined vacations...and on and on. They are grown and gone now, but Im sure they have so many bad memories...it will haunt them growing up w/this man for the rest of their lives. The bottom line is he loves beer more than friends, family, and even his own life.
    His fault...not mine! I could leave, but he would only die alone, and what purpose would that serve. I've been here for 40 years,
    might as well stay the course.

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  15. Ive seen both sides of the fence.. ive been an addict but now sober 10 yrs. Now the boot is on the other foot my husband is an addict but in recovery. He no longer lives with my daughter and i. You know, it is difficult at times but ive changed and have also looked at wot part i took in his downfall.. oh yes his choice but i didnt exactly help matters sometimes. Unfirtunately when we learn that we are only responsible for ourselves and can only control ourselves and not expect anything and think positively things do change. We spend so much time mothering the alcoholic or addict in our lives that we forget about ourselves. We are important too and we have to do wot makes us happy.

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  16. Do Not, and I repeat DO NOT ever get involved with an alcoholic. The person they once were no longer exists. They will only bring sadness, heart break and depression into your life. There are lots of nice addiction free people out there and thats who we should be having relationships with.

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    1. These are the saddest and most truthful words I've heard in a long time. I'm a year out from a common-law relationship with an alcoholic. I'm not naive, but it wasn't until 3 years into the relationship, and moving in together that I realized he was an alcoholic. Sweet, kind, and never abusive. Undependable, egotistical and a liar (about whether he was drinking). The latter three are what I need to concentrate on because even a year later, I'm still busted up about leaving him. I don't want him back in my life as a partner, but I miss him as a friend. I will NEVER, EVER get involved with an alcoholic again and will have my eyes WIDE open when I'm ready to start dating again. Thanks Sept 20 at 1:02am, you've helped me more than you will ever know. Karen

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    2. Thanks to all of your stories and comments. It lets me know I am not alone. I was in a relationship for 5 years with an alcoholic. I loved him so very much. I just thought if I hung in there and let him treat me like shit he would eventually see how much I cared and he would be better. This is the very first time I was ever involved with anyone with problems like this. He is still texting me and asking me why I am mad at him. Normally that would have worked the 30 times before but for some reason this last episode I just snapped inside. I can not believe that human beings treat each other that way. I kept saying to myself.. I have spent 5 years with him, I do not want him to get better and end up with someone else and they get what I have waited for. How do I get over this feeling? I do not love him anymore(and that took a while but I just stopped trusting him completely)Need Help!!!

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    3. Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics.

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  17. I helped get a co-worker a really good job at a company that was his dream job. It also paid about 10x more than this man had ever made. For the first few months, he did very well. He then started showing up with liquor on his breath and then started to disappear
    for long periods of time during the day. Everybody really liked him and didn't want to think he was really out drinking during work hours.
    Then he started pulling "no shows" having varying excuses. Finally, he disappeared for a week with no communication, and they had to let him go. He had taken off with some other addicts and just wanted to have a good time. It was heart breaking for everybody because he was such a good worker when he was sober. In the last few months, he has gotten a DUI and was arrested again. He was court ordered into monitored sobriety. He has decided not to do this and has left the state on two bonds and not showed up for court dates. He is living on the run in another state now. Before he left, he went to the hospital ER throwing up blood and was told he was in failing health due to severe alcoholism. His liver is very enlarged and damaged. Cognitively, he is very impaired when intoxicated -- which is all the time now. He is going to lose everything he has including his freedom & health. This man is not that old. What amazes me is that he could have gone into rehab covered by his insurance and most if any jail time. All he could think about was the next drink. Now he has almost blown through his savings, his car was seized, and he will most likely detox in a county jail. The consequences now are going to be severe no matter what. He now thinks of me as the enemy because I tried to help him get into rehab and get his life on track. What he doesn't realize is that I was actually a very good friend. He wants to hang out with other addicts (alcohol and drugs) instead of dealing with life. I wish him well but am very sad to have watched this decline over the last several months. Many of the homeless people that I see on the streets downtown now remind me of what may become of my friend if this course continues.

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  18. To put an addiction before all else is selfish we agree. Was wondering Charlie, if you could speak to the necessity of addicts, especially those who love alcohol, of their necessity to be in control? Would you say this would be a trait primarily of children of alcohols, who may have become alcoholics themselves? I realize some people by nature are controlling, but would you say this is something that alcoholics want to do, be it control of situations, people or even the most mundane things?

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    1. I would say children of alcoholics can very much be that way. My ex husband's father was such a violent drunk that he stabbed and shot at my ex in his teens. My ex became a control freak. The way I saw it ( lived with him for 18 years) if he could blame me for everything then there was order to the universe. And if he could control me then there was perfect order. Because his childhood had been so dangerous and chaotic he became a strict vegan and made me be one too. He was very strict with the recycling and everything "Green". It was like this was his self righteousness, because truly he felt worthless and if it was stuck to with all the control he could muster then he was "good" he fools a lot of people. But me and the kids know he is a Sociopath.

      Delete
  19. Since so many members of my family are or have been alcoholics, it took some therapy to get a grip on why they continued to hurt me, and then realizing that they weren't going to get better, to maintain a healthy distance.
    I've got to take care of myself,too. It's the best I can do. Thanks for pointing out that even in recovery these people will never be the normal family members I wish they were. It does help!

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  20. Such a sad thread. I keep hoping that he can make it back to this world and be the amazing man he was before he got involved with drugs. I don't want to grieve - I want him to make it. But he is functionally insane now, and so disconnected from reality that I have only a shred of hope left. I don't want to give up on him, even though if he were anyone else I wouldn't waste a single thought on the junk heap he's become. But he was such a hero before the drugs, so amazing.... Do any of them ever make it back?

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    Replies
    1. Yes, the author ;) That's actually the point of my blog and my book.

      Delete
    2. My boyfriend of 9 months is an alcoholic. I love him. We laugh more than any relationship ive ever been in. We hang out at his apartment, watch movies, sing songs while he drinks. We started dating March 21 2016. I met his family spent time with his mother. Sometimes when i would spend the night he peed the bed. Little by little he stopped texting calling responding to messenger. Then he tells me January 4th that he cheated and its over between us. He said she came over they didnt have sex but he felt guilty so he ended it. Im so sad that he would hurt me like this when i cared so much for him. Im going to al anon now. Im still trying to make sense of why he cheated and why couldnt he just communicate his needs and desires to me instead of a stranger. If she even was a stranger.

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  21. Hi, My husband has put me through so much and this is so fresh. This week fresh. I cannot believe I stayed for his sake. We never discussed his drinking or fought about it. I always figured when he hit the bottom he would have to do something. Never did I think he would cheat, never. He's not your typical. He is an extreme game player and has to be one up on you always. I've read all your stories and I have lived with most all of it myself. The sting of wasting 38 years of my life I think is the hardest part. I didn't know how to leave.He just left me for someone else that has no clue what she is in for. He wanted to stay living at home if I would make it comfortable for him doing his laundry,cooking his meals,cutting his hair, making his breakfast and his lunches for work and keeping house while he has someone on the side. Has he lost it or what. I don't play into the whole narrcistic game. I just do what a wife should be doing. But now nothing is getting a reaction out of me anymore so he had to pull the ultimate. I never thought he would stoop this low. Why am I so bothered? Why do I care? Why does it matter? Why do I feel sorry for him? What has happened to me? Why do they hurt the people who loved them the most? Why give up the self respect you used to pride yourself in? He will die alone or will I run to his bedside? There are some good sides to him. He never misses work and he is a good supporter but he is not connected, no empathy for others, doesn't care if he hurts you and can only feel for himself. There is no emotional support, He has always been incapable of it unless there is something in it for him. Then he pretends he is there emotionally. (fake, pulls out your chair if there is onlookers, opens your car door and so on. Anything that makes him look good in front of others.) But at home he secretly wants to pull the chair out from under you. He's like a bird catcher. sneaks up on you unsuspectedly. He must be the final say and he is never wrong....Nothing matters but him. feed his ego. Thats why he found somebdy else because I can't feed that anymore. Who is this stranger in my bed? But now it seems so much worse and took a quick surprizing turn and he still wants to be my friend. he does not want to divorce and has no intention of marring this woman or whatever it is that he defends.He's known her 6 weeks. The diease finially took what little bit of dignity he had left. She feeds his ego, laughs at his stories and jokes i've heard 1000 times so she looks up to him right now. The King.. who is he. Is he happy I ask myself? Is he proud he just pulled one over on me? Is he so depressed that he sunk this low? Does he hate himself? Why do they always go for someone way beneath his normal standards? My Dad did? His Dad did? All bar flies that listen to them. They look up to them hoping to be rescued themselves from themselves. So sick, The burdens they have put upon us and the eggshells that have cut our feet trying to keep peace. I grew up like that and hated it and swore I would not repeat it. So I didn't repeat it, I just married it. What a fool I was when young. I love your advice. You justified everything for me. RUN And don't look back. Yes easier said than done. You lived with drama all your life and allowed it to robbed who you are and all your desires, hobbies, activities, faith, mildness, joy just to please him doing all his stuff or just keeping peace for either you or the children you produced together. Is that why it stings so bad? Identify who you are agian for you. I have to build strength in my faith and friends and the love and support I will and have recieved, but it still hurts. Thank you for letting me air.

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  22. Sort of like handing out steak and lobster and getting a can of spam in return. Glad I'm older now.
    They know they aren't worth it but stupid PRIDE gets in the way. Why they pick the idiots should be clear.
    Take care of yourself and let the fool go. They were intellectually handicapped long before they started drinking. Never grew up, never will. It's hard to leave and you will shed tears, but as time goes by you won't miss him. What is there to miss?
    Trust me on this, DUMP THEM NOW.

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  23. Wish I had read this a year ago. 3 weeks ago I had enough and for my own mental health walked out. She has no idea how much she hurt our relationship with her drinking. I'm left with the guilt of calling it quits and the pain of seeing her downward spiral in extremely dangerous lifestyle choices.

    Everything you mentioned in your article is so true. To anyone even contemplating a relationship with an alcoholic: RUN, run as fast and as far away as possible. I didn't want to run. I thought my love would be enough, I thought my love and caring would fix her. The problem with the addict: the more you love, the more they take of you and everything else, until there's nothing left to give.

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    1. "I thought my love would be enough, I thought my love and caring would fix her. The problem with the addict: the more you love, the more they take of you and everything else, until there's nothing left to give."

      Thank you for writing and sharing. Everybody should read this quote of yours. It is the truth about addiction/alcoholism, and I couldn't have said it better myself. Bless you.

      Delete
  24. I feel like you guys have been hiding in my closet and watching these every moves. Unbelievable! Great comments!
    I am still "new" (10 years plus) to the observation of a true alcoholic.
    While I hang on to my FAITH and the "Coors Light Only" person I thought I met and loved, I find I might have been deceived.

    Apparently, I was new to town and preyed upon.

    Everyone else in this town knew him as the addict he was! No one told me...

    I have done the Alanon/excuse thing. I do NOT believe it to be a disease!

    I have done the "talking to others in the same boat" thing. It just makes me feel more stupid.

    I have done the "crying to my family" thing. It just makes me feel like a burden.

    I have even tried the "If you cannot beat them, join them" thing. This did not work for I am naive person, and sincerely a dummy, bad driver, easily influenced, etc...

    I am going to have to give up on this person. He had tricked me, manipulated me, abused me, held me captive and I kept believing in FAITH. I have enough FAITH to fill a lake!

    Yes, I am a child of an alcoholic. This does not help. I do know, "It is not my fault!"

    ...time to move on...WHITE FLAG OUT!

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  25. Yup, I'm that guy. Waiting for 6am to come so I can get more booze. Found this blog by googling "I'm a selfish Alcoholic". I suppose I've been looking for my give a damn but it's just gone. Been sober for up to 8 yrs. before but that was in my 30's. Now in my mid 50's. Never fully grew up and don't want to. Nate Ratecliff and the Night Sweats' S.O.B. is now my favorite song---pathetic.

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  26. I have been lied to, and stolen from...by addicted relatives. Then they expect me to be there for them and I am getting sooooo tired of it. thanks to this website I feel better and know that they don't know what they are doing, they do it because they are addicts to alcohol, marijuana, meth and heroin. just because they feel cruddy doesn't mean I have to. I will let them learn on their own; if I keep trying to catch them as they fall they will never learn they have power and gifts to change and be the person they want to be.

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  27. I just divorced my violent alcoholic husband of 17 years. He announced he is getting married soon. It is sad that there are women out there that would say yes to a man like this, supposedly knowing all about his past. He has ruined his first marriage by refusing to give up the true love of his life--alcohol, and as his daughter said rightly so, there he goes trying to ruin someone else's life. He says he wants more children now, and has forgotten all about the time when the cps took our 8 year old child into foster care because of his drinking and violence. Recently, my 14 year old daughter told me that she was gang raped while she was in foster care.

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  28. The women say yes because the old school mentality still perpetuated by people says that is the only option. The less educated they are, the more likely they will cling to old ways, and victimize everyone around them they can.
    If you have to force the "game" on someone, it's obviously not to their benefit. If a woman stands up against this crap she is considered a freak.
    Ladies, get your "freak" on and make sure these bullies are uncomfortable.
    Make your own money, support yourself, and don't let jerks like that close. Luckily they are dumb enough that you will pick up the "red flags" and get away before they get their claws in.
    Education at all levels is EVERYTHING.

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  29. My addict husband is everyone's best friend, but mine. He goes out of his way for everyone else, but his family. We have a baby due in 6 weeks. He hasnt bought ONE thing...sitting and waiting for my family to pick up the pieces. Im having bad pelvic pain, horrible acid reflux, on top of taking care of two VERY active boys one with autism. My house is a MESS. He fusses about helping. I've been with him for 7 years my WHOLE twenties and I absolutely refuse to go into my thirties like this (I turn 30 in a month) . Im trying to walk in love and understanding, but I CANNOT live like this. I fantasize about a better happier life. I need clarity.

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    1. Absolutely, they know darn well how to behave. And then they wait till you are alone. Maybe its time to sneak a camera in! These fools are real big on privacy. Unfortunately you married a boy.
      Remember, guys, a woman wants a man, not Peter Pan.
      Save your love and understanding for your kids. I don't know about how your family is, but if there's even a chance they might take you in temporarily, get rid of the boy and go to them, or someone supportive of you emotionally. I'll bet the acid reflux disappears!
      Do not give him a second chance. The boy won't grow up. Statistically, it's just not in their favor.

      Delete
    2. It is truly amazing how the alcoholic can worry about everyone accept the one that truly and deeply loves them. My ex fiance allowed his,ex wife to push him around and he was so worried about making sure he didn't upset her but she didn't do anything to help him but I helped him get out of debt, buy his kids nice things , etc... and he would rather help his ex and her mother over me the person that was helping him, giving to him, loving him and caring for him and for his kids. Truly truly a sad existence when they walk away from the best thing that ever happened to them.

      Delete
  30. I am still in love with and trying to deal with getting over " my dream guy" because he left me again !! Reasons because he can't handle being in a sober relationship, cutting down on drinking, telling the truth, not sitting in the bar and being a responsible father to his 2 kids (from previous relationship ) . We were supposed to be married Jan 8, 2016. Even though within 3 years he left me about 5 times. Each time I wanted him back knowing he had a drinking problem but not knowing how bad he actually was .... because he hid it and I never dealt with a relationship with an alcoholic before ( functioning alcoholic as it has been explained ). He would drink at the bar before picking his kids up at the bus stop, he was going to the bar early in the morning and then coming home and washing his clothes and putting them back in the clean clothes so I wouldn't know he was going while I was at work, he lied so many times about the smallest to the largest of things. I work for my local Sheriff’s Office in the Jail and thought telling him of the consequences of drinking and driving (which he still does all the time from what I have been told), and telling him of people losing seeing their kids and people killing others by drinking and driving - each time he said he understood and how much he loves me and loves his kids so he wouldn't drink and drive. He even said I saved him from going down the wrong path. But nothing I said helped and again he couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who will not be an enabler so I get the emotional, mental, and financial consequences of being in love with him and he just leaves a little I am sorry note and moves out and to wherever so he can hang out at the bar. He wrote he is sorry he wasted the last 3 years of my life but he doesn't realize how he has destroyed me inside because I always gave, loved, cared and helped him and his kids 100 % and I know I am better off without him but I have no family to speak of and when he left I not only lost him but his kids and his family that all love me. He doesn't realize how he killed me inside and I just can't seem to get past it !!! I know I would never be able to be with him again but I just can't seem to understand why he decided to keep coming back knowing he would leave me again and devastate me worse each time . I don't know if with all his lies if he actually loved me and wanted to spend his life with me but just couldn't handle it or if I was just used and he was able to make me feel he truly loved me.

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  31. Get rid of him/them. They will never change.

    I has been 15 years or more, or less, I forget...THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! I have had the prime and the best years of my life taken. I am 46. I have lost the ability to have children, etc...DUMP HIM! HE SUCKS! You will always be the cause....of his addictions. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
    I MISSED MINE, I AM A LITTLE SLOW, DO NOT MISS YOURS!

    GET THE HECK OUT! WISH I HAD!

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    Replies
    1. I feel as though I could have written all of the above. And the saddest thing is if you have given your heart to this person and then they just stop talking to you. I miss him and his family but have to have respect for myself, prayer helps.

      Delete
  32. When I dumped some of the people who used me as a punching bag for some of them, I cried. But as the months passed, I felt better and I didn't miss them anymore. What was there to miss?

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  33. When I dumped some of the people who used me as a punching bag for some of them, I cried. But as the months passed, I felt better and I didn't miss them anymore. What was there to miss?

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  34. I WILL STAND BY THIS...Any woman out there under 30 years old, call me.

    I have been through this. I let the prime of my life go and allowed a controlling, abusive man and his family to abuse me just for their own benefit, send me to a mental institution-label me as crazy, , block my ability to ever have children, use me for their own entertainment because they "thought" no one cared...WRONG!!!!

    MY ADVICE TO ANY WOMAN IS, "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND FAST!"
    ACT LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE AND STOP, GET YOUR KIDS, DROP AND ROLL!!!!

    Right, Wanda?

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    1. You bet! I like the stop drop and roll analogy.

      Delete
    2. The heartbreaking part is when they tell you that no one cares. It took a lot of courage to bail and care for yourself. Sure worth it, though.
      I revisiting some of this because I recently learned that the abusive friend I left had plotted to do some sort of harm to me after I left.
      It's been 6 years now, and I'm ok, but it was disturbing just how low she was willing to go to get back at me. It really does feel like a hairline escape!
      I guess the lesson here for me is, if they are treating you like crap up front, it's not getting better down the road.
      Whew!!!

      Delete
  35. They stop talking to you due to GUILT!

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  36. Yeah probably. My favorite books for this is "beyond codependency", and how to disagree without being disagreeable", and self help for fear and anger."
    Hardest book I ever had to read was "understanding the borderline mother"

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  37. Actually, I've seen very little guilt on their part. The ticket is to learn their MO, and free yourself from asking why. They just are, and getting away from them is just taking good care of yourself.
    There is no good answer to why, so don't bother.

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  38. I just had my final divorce hearing on 10/16/15 from my husband, now ex-husband. He had been a police officer for 17 years, we lived together for 7 years then married for 10 years. I noticed he was drinking more and would mention it to him every now and then. In September of last year he was offered a job making more money. He was working about 450 miles from our home. Our whole relationship for 17 years was pretty good, didn't really ever fight much and when we did, it would be over and done with. When my ex went out of town to work it was only supposed to be for about 4 months. He started hanging out with other guys at bars, drinking, getting drunk. Out of the blue he called me on his way home for Thanksgiving, we argued because I knew he had been out to the bar drinking the night before. He screamed at me over the phone he wanted a divorce. It upset me so much I was suicidal! He came home and spent Thanksgiving, pretended things were fine until I asked to see his phone. He wouldn't let me see it. He finally got mad and threw it toward me. I found a picture of a woman, trashy looking woman beside a swimming pool without her top. When I asked him who she was he said it was a picture one of the crew was sending around to everybody. Then he proceeded to get drunk because I didn't believe him. We argued and then he left the next morning to work. December 11th, he snuck into town behind my back and filed for divorce, no warning, talking, nothing. He even filed for a restraining order against me so I wasn't allowed to call, text, write, or contact him or his work. From Dec. to February of this year, he set up three different times for us to meet at hotels because he said he wanted to try to talk and see if we could work it out. But, all three times he backed out because I know he would get drunk and change his mind. In February when he wanted to meet, he even fired his attorney to show me how serious he was about loving me and wanting our marriage back. But...he was supposed to meet me at 7pm at a hotel, called me around 5pm and said he wasn't coming. That's when I told him to leave me alone and I was divorcing him! Since then up until now he's increased his drinking to the extent he admitted to me he was getting drunk 4 nights a week. He's become so hateful, selfish, rude, sex minded about everything, porn addicted. Tells me all the women he's having sex with and how much of a stud he is with other women knowing how much it hurts me. It's as if he gets pleasure now out of seeing how much he can break my heart. I don't understand any of this. I still love my ex husband with all my heart but he's chosen alcohol. He gave me everything in our divorce. Even though he was making almost $8000.00 a month after taxes, he's maxed out all his credit cards, he's in debt on a loan, to both our attorneys for about $10,000. He spent all his savings and now it looks as if he's going to be laid off his job he just took a year ago. So, long story short, he's lost all he and I both worked for in ONE year! And will be paying for a long time if he is still a functional alcoholic and can get another job. I can't begin to say the walking nightmare he's put me through, the roller coaster ride, the pain, misery, heartbreak. Not only me but his son as well, my son, daughter in law. His own son will barely talk to him but even though he knew he may be losing his own flesh and blood son over all this, it still wasn't enough to make him give up the alcohol. I plan on starting Alanon soon. Even though it's over, I struggle every second of every day and night still. The pain is still so fresh and I still have suicidal times when I think I just can't live without him. I would appreciate any and all help from anyone here. Thanks

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  39. I almost cry when I read some of the above stories. I don't have a sponsor in AlAnon, but I go to meetings regularly. The alcoholic is my grown son. I could write pages on the inconsiderate and hurtful things he has done to our whole family over the years, but that isn't the point. He won't change and I know it. I have learned that I MUST detach and let him do whatever he's going to do, until he kills himself. And he will; he's well on his way. Here's the problem. My husband is the enabler. He will do anything for our son - drive him anywhere (of course he's had 3 DUI's so he can't drive and has no car), lend him money, get him out of jail, help him move to a new apartment - anything. We are not young - in our late 60's. And yet when I discuss with my husband the fact that he is really hurting our son by doing everything for him, he accuses me of not caring for our son. Our son drinks from morning until night. If we want to talk to him, we have to call him about 11:00 a.m. - that's when he gets up, and hasn't usually started drinking yet. He then drinks until 2:00 or 3:00 the next morning and he is impossible to talk to when he's impaired. My husband and I fight about this constantly. I tell him he is not acting loving towards our son because he is just helping him continue his drinking with no consequences. My husband believes I am unloving and mean and just don't care about our son. Now my son has involved my daughter. She lives in another town and has for years. She does not realize he is as bad as he is. She thinks he just likes wine and gets a little loud sometimes. But she really doesn't know him. He is 51. She is 35, and happily married. Now he has invited himself to stay with her for five days in their very tiny apartment in San Francisco. (less than 600 sq. feet). He did not ask her - just invited himself and bought plane tickets. He intends to sleep on their floor. He doesn't care ONE BIT that he might be inconveniencing them by sleeping in their tiny living room - the only place they have to sit except their bed and tiny kitchen. They have ONE bathroom. My daughter and her husband are very much in love, but this is going to put a huge strain on their relationship for many reasons. They've been through A LOT lately and this could not come at a worse time. Too long to explain. I have not see any posts about what to do when you separate yourself from the alcoholic person, bit then the alcoholic abuses others in the family. I'm helpless because if I say anything (like stay in a hotel!) I am coming between my son and my daughter. My husband thinks she'll just have to handle it herself. She and her husband work, but are quite broke right now and can't afford to entertain and feed him. My son obviously doesn't care about her feelings, only his. He just wants to see San Francisco "on the cheap." So I cry and my husband and I fight. These issues come up all the time because my husband tries to keep others in the family from knowing our son is a drunk. My son can be very charming, but I know the truth. My husband knows it too, but just ignores it, and ignores me. How can I "detach" without having the rest of my family think I'm the "bad guy?" I just wonder why I don't see anything written about this. I feel very, very alone. I don't want to lost the respect and love of my family because of this selfish young man.

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    Replies
    1. http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-does-one-love-from-distance.html

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    2. http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2015/08/posts-geared-for-parents-spouses.html

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  40. Be active in your recovery,
    So you may be able to recover me.

    Selfish can the addict be,
    Selfless to you is the way it seems.

    Blaming everyone you may recognize,
    Means never having to apologize.

    A life of regret, not matter the outcome,
    But living with stress makes you able to function.

    I hardly see your sweet face and kind heart,
    Your personality hidden, emotions depart.

    Sad is the soul whom deep down is risen,
    When moments of clarity arise from love given.

    Windows of little, glimpses of untold fate,
    Its not clear to me, I have nothing left to take.

    As I face you, slowly taking steps back,
    Willpower not to run to you I solemnly lack.

    Ebb and flo of emotion, it what is desired,
    Somewhat of an addiction Im sure I’ve acquired.

    My view of my addict is unconditional love,
    As the love for myself must mirror faith from above.

    I will be here, in some form waiting with hope,
    Changed and a bit more surely ready to cope.

    Spirituality connections must come before all else,
    Cultivating your faith will always help.

    And maybe someday, as time surely will heal,
    Your abandonment I might appeal.

    Until times passes.

    I am loving myself for you.

    Because I know you can’t.

    And its okay baby.

    I understand, the best I can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So beautiful!
      I am crying....yes, unconditional love and spirituality...

      Delete
  41. Is this blog still active?

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thanks for the shares. I'm still married, but not spoken to by my AH. I still love him, but he is totally cold to me. We live in separate states. I moved back with my family. I'm trying to move on, the encouragement helps. I especially liked the original post. Sometimes I feel so bad for things I said and did when feeling angry at him and hurt by him. I try to forgive myself, remind myself that it couldn't have succeeded anyway, even if I was a saint.

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  43. Someone I Know who is recovering alcoholic just got married and the wife drinks occasionally at home not knowing the man's history and struggle.
    Obviously the wife is clueless.

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    Replies
    1. They'll be divorced soon. He's a liar, and not in recovery.

      Delete
  44. "Last night I tried to leave
    Cried so much I could not believe
    She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago..."

    You're right. I did get here by Googling "why do alcoholics hurt people?" because I'm one of them that has been hurt. The above lyrics, in my opinion, sum up basically how I feel. I relate to every comment on this page and I am so grateful that I found it. I have loved an alcoholic off and on for 3 years. The first 8 months we were together he didn't drink and then one day he just changed. I packed his stuff 2 months after that and he left without saying goodbye. A few months later he came back and 7 more months were spent together but with no official commitment. Then last year I spent most of it with no contact from him (and thought I had moved on) but he came back 5 months ago and said he wanted to try, only to disappear again without notice.

    It's one big game of "I want you but I don't want to commit to you because I'm afraid of hurting you; but I love you and miss you and now I'm just going to stop talking to you and ignore you to make it all go away".

    I'm sick of it. I also thought my love could save him (and unfortunately still do) but I know that's just a fairytale idea. I so badly wish he wasn't sick because I would love him forever. But he has and will destroy me if I continue. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it makes me angry to think about how one day if he gets better, someone will get what I worked so hard for all along... and it won't be me.

    Everyone here is right: run away. Do yourself a favor and don't love an addict until they love themselves enough to not be one.



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  45. "We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones." Truer words never spoken, and had I only read this 9 months before, an almost 3 years sober recovering alcoholic came into my life, it might have saved me a tremendous amount of heartache. I might have ran and never gotten involved with her. I didn't realize just how self centered a person could be, until I found myself, a "normie" immersed in her world. Alcoholics drink to disconnect, and when they are in recovery they still don't understand how to truly let love in and connect. They try, but so often in the end the push the one's they love the most away. They take on more sponsees, serve on a board, throw themselves deeper into the program because life doesn't really exist beyond the program. They don't really have friends outside the program, because their fellow AA friends just get it more. You can't love a recovering alcoholic, because they don't know how to love anyone but themselves and AA. Which is fine, because it is better than drinking and destroying themselves. They should just be honest from the get go, that their relationships don't last and they will push you away because it is too hard for them to connect and feel for anything but themselves. They can't help it, it is the way their brains work.
    Signed,
    Just a normie who tried to accept,support, and love in vain

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  46. Hi Charlie

    I've tried all the recommended things to help my husband give up his alcoholism, but none seem to work at all. I recon use that he needs to acknowledge his need to change and be ready for that. He has acknowledged that and in our 3 year marriage we have had two 5 week stints where he has had a good go at giving up... I just wonder what it is about the 5 week mark that triggers a relapse though? Could be coincidental. Anyway, I have always been a happy person and I love the sober version of my husband, but hardly ever see him. Consequently I feel really lonely. I try to talk to him about what he needs from me to suppirt him in giving up, what are the hardest times for him and how can I help him through? I'm not the enabler type as I don't play well with victim mentalities. I can dish out the tough love where/when needed too. I'm sick to death of all the advice about not saying this to the recovery alcoholic and not saying that... Having to walk on eggshells in case you do/say something that provokes a relapse... What about their nasty, thoughtless words spoken when drunk that they suffer no consequences for because there's no recall or very poor accurate memory of saying their hurtful words? We remember and carry this because we weren't pissed! The hurt is then exacerbated because the alcoholic minimizes the hurtful words/actions and makes out like we are exaggerating and won't be convinced otherwise.... When does the alcoholic have to stop and think about how their words and actions are causing destruction to those around them and it's NOT ok!!!! I don't care if you're pissed, it's not OK to be hurtful! Yes alcoholism is such a selfish thing in so many ways. I seem to attract them. Why? I'm a hard working sensible person. Why do I attract people who can't get their shit together and be responsible? I wish I could depend upon someone for a change, but I can't if I didn't step up to take care of all the important responsibilities everything would be up the creek! I'm so tired, I feel so lonely and I'm weary of feeling like beer is a much better option than me.... I feel so rejected. What now? What haven't I done or not done?

    Sue

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    1. Dear Sue, Bless you and thank you for writing and sharing your experience so honestly here. As far as trying to help and recommend things to an active alcoholic, I wouldn't waste your energy, especially as it robs you of nourishing yourself and all of the responsibilities you have.

      For one, alcoholic types don't listen to anybody, but especially to loved ones. If he eventually decides to change, he will most likely only listen to another alcoholic, someone who uses and thinks the way he does, someone who is as pathologically selfish as he is but who has gotten outside of himself and recovered, someone who has something he wants (internally).

      Of course, alcoholics also tend to see the defects in people as opposed to the good, but this is simply a projection of his own self-loathing... but don't feel bad because self-pity etc is just another form of selfishness and immaturity, and it is self-imposed. Never feel bad for a pity pot.

      About the 5-week mark, you need to understand that the physically sober addict is still completely insane and suffers from the mental obsession - recurring thoughts or ideas (about using) that do not respond to ration or reason. So he is walking around subject to relapse at any point until he is restored to sanity. And think about it. After 5 weeks, someone who cannot live or accept life on life's terms, who like a child cannot accept that human life involves discomfort, well, after a few weeks the novelty of sobriety will wear off and he will stop caring as the restlessness, irritability and discontent/depression set in. He has no solution and no active/real spiritual life and so he will drink again.

      At any rate, do not ask what you have or haven't done, as you will never be able to change him. If you give anything to anybody, give it to yourself. If the situation is very toxic, you need to assess that seriously. As well, I wouldn't make getting better a choice. If he really loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he will get better, and if not, then he doesn't deserve you. That's how I see it. You see, we alcoholics who are not really better simply manipulate love and support, so do not shower him with privileges etc. If anything, I would get tough and set an ultimatum and then honor that.

      Finally, on the left side of the blog under "Pages" there is a link to a post, "Posts Geared for Parents, Spouses & Codependents", which addresses a lot of this stuff, so start there, and remember, peace can only be found in letting go, so don't torture yourself trying to force your will, as it is a fruitless endeavor.

      God bless you. I will pray hard for him, and for you and your family today.

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    2. My heart goes out to Sue, because I sure do understand...I have been grappling recently with indignation over my husband's complete blindless to the nastiness and rudeness and even complete cruelty of his own words...he is an unrecovered but "sober" alcoholic who still smokes weed. He will spew out the most horrible, hateful things you can imagine, then when I say something like "I don't feel comfortable with the way you are talking to me, let's finish this conversation later," he'll start on a rant about how *I* am abusive and all I ever do is complain, all because I suggested his words were unkind. I hear a lot of lectures about how mean I am and how everything is my fault, and it makes me feel utterly hopeless because I know this man will probably never be able to look in the mirror at all. At least, not until I do something drastic - then he *might.*

      I am currently at the point when I have accepted he will never get better unless I leave. It's scary, because I have no job, and 3 kids to support, but I don't want us to keep living in this misery of walking on eggshells around my explosively angry husband.

      Charlie, I wonder if you might consider doing a post to help people like Sue and I who need to give an ultimatum...I mean, what things should we say to them when we leave to give the best chances of success? This is a very scary thing for me to do and I don't want to mess it up. Right now I am in the planning stage, so any specific advice you could give would be very helpful.

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  47. I just got dumped by aN addict I was involved with for 30 years!! It is painful and embarrassing. I thank God for Alanon. It helps me to keep the focus on myself, to let go of some of the anger aND revenge fantasies. What I learned from Alanon is we who love alcoholics are just like them in many ways. I found I am not a victim, I was a volunteer. All the signs were there, but I thought I could handle his drinking and using. I was in total denial. Please know you are not alone, there is help for you to recover from alcoholism/addiction. Sorry for your pain.

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  48. I too found this by googling but my search was , "Why are alcholics and addicts so selfish and crazy"? A guy I dated in college got back in touch with me through Facebook, which I am now no longer on. He stated he was divorced and maybe we could meet some weekend. Turns hout he is a disbarred attorney on his 3rd marriage with two small children which should be the age of his granchildren. He admits he is both an addict and an alcoholic and attends AA numerous times each day. He hangs out with his AA friends and they are so weak and selfish it is disgusting. We have made 3 different plans to meet and each time he sabatoges it with the most insane stories. One day one of his AA friends got his phone, she was drunk and called me to cuss me out. He is still married, claims he has filed for divorce but will continue living with his ex-wife. He has been to rehab and both times was kicked out becazuse his coke dealer came to see him there. My point is God was looking out for me 30 years ago when I stopped dating him and he has protected me again. I have had to have male friends tell him to leave me alone, he is so sick. Why do these AA babies always need someone by them? They do not deserve any of us.

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  49. I have been in a relationship with an A for 3 years which ended as of yesterday. I was about 4 months separated from my exhusband who had an affair. I had been attending weekly mindful meditation therapy for this sudden affair. I was feeling good and decided to go and see this band I loved and there he was. He came on to me and swept me off my feet. Instantly I was back in a relationship and feeling loved. I didn't know he was and alcoholic until days later when he confessed he had been in rehab and had started drinking again. I am a caring person and knew I liked his charm so I dated him for three long years. The first year or two was great. He didn't drink too much and we had a lot of fun. This past year, not so great. I having trust issues looked through his phone seeing he had been flirting and chatting with this younger girl (I am 38 he is 40) and he apologized. After that there were others but he told me I was crazy and had trust issues from my previous marriage. We recently ended up taking a break because all we did was argue. Since he has no license he had been having his 22 year old employee drive him around everywhere. Back up 3 weeks prior to this, I come home and he is passed out on the couch. I go out to have a cig and there were at least 7 cig butts in our ashtray that we do not smoke and about 5 beers missing, mind you he only drinks vodka. I confronted him about it and he said I was crazy. The next day he tells me the truth that this 22 year old employee stopped by really quick to meet our new puppy.
    Presently this girl is driving him to and from work and taking him to the store etc etc. I had to go out of town to visit my dad who has cancer and he stayed because of work. I get home and find ladies panties in his floor. Denies it again. Says this 22 he old needed to do laundry and must have left them. Last night I listened to him tell her that i was nobody and that he loved her. He has been getting out of control drunk and just 3 days ago he tells me he needs to get his shit together etc. I could go on and on.... He has been cheating with her even though he denies everything. My therapist thinks he is an alcoholic sociopath. I am heartbroken even though I have to move on. How can he just turn a switch and be so empathetic and be so crazy to be messing with his 22 he old waitress!!!! So angry and emotionally exhausted.

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  50. You can't just turn the switch off. It takes time and it is not easy to leave an alcoholic. But it is something you Must do. Remember you are not dealing with a rational normal thinking human being. The alcoholics brain and ability to care, feel empathy or responsibility for others is greatly affected. The 22 year old will be his next victim. He is done with you, thats just how it is. They cannot have normal loving relationships. You will be ok.

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  51. I started dating a man about 2 months ago. He was very sweet and charming and listened to me and seemed like he wanted to protect me. I realized that he would drink a lot and he when he drank, he would switch on and off from vodka to tequila to wine, I thought this was peculiar. He does not drive (thank God!) and seems to always be revolving his life around going to a bar. He'd text me saying, it's Wednesday at 2:00, I made some phone calls, now I can go have a drink. This bothered me since I am not a big drinker and felt that it was odd to be drinking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. He has no hobbies, for a 47 year old man, isn't that strange? I had been out of town for the past few weeks and last night we were supposed to meet at 9. He texted me and told me he was stopping by the bar first and he'd be late. I waited for an hour, then told him I was tired and going home to bed. He then got so angry with me, in a verbally abusive way, blaming me that I couldn't be patient and he was only a few minutes late (by now he was 1.5 hours late). It is so hurtful that all during my time traveling, he was texting me and telling me how much he missed me and then the first chance we get to be together, he goes to a bar instead of seeing me and proceeds to tell me that I am unreasonable and despite me apologizing for being tired and not willing to wait for him any longer, he is now giving me the silent treatment and I do not see him apologizing to me for going to a bar over keeping his date with me nor wanting to see me. I know I should be thankful that he is no longer speaking to me and that I should RUN, but it is still hurtful. Reading all of your comments has helped me and I know what I have to do and will do, but it still hurts.

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  52. Reading this, I will tell you it is all typical alcoholic behaviour, they are totally unreliable and unable to commit to anything or anyone except for drinking. You have to ask yourself is this the life and relationship you want? I experienced a relationship like this for 3 years. It is pointless, will not change and his behaviour will worsen with time. End it now is my advice. It is strange behaviour, but not for an alcoholic. Listen well to me as I am trying to help you, he would choose a drink over your life. The hurt you feel will lessen with time.

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  53. Thank you this. Every time I feel like breaking down I read your post and it helps. It is so crazy as he stays sober all day for work and he isn't drinking all day. Again, your post gives me strength.

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  54. Remember this. Your spouse , boyfriend , girlfriend , fiancée , Kid maybe be the ones that should sober up. But you also can keep their actions and attitudes up when they quit. It's like second hand smoking the only difference is you've been scared up enough that you take on their actions and attitude. My mother has taken up this attitude after Daddy died. Yes she did drink but was an occasional drinker. Now she can't drink cause of her meds but she still acts narcissistic anyways. I'm 43 and I can't do a thing about it. Sucks don't it?

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  55. I realize that I cannot turn the switch and he has to be the one to do it. Are there anymore forums or blogs that are out there? It is helping me cope and understand. Thank you!

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    1. On the left taskbar of the blog under 'Pages', I wrote a post entitled, "Posts Geared for Parents, Spouses & Codependents," which lists several relevant posts I've written in response to questions from spouses, parents etc. There are hundreds of other posts on the blog as well that may illuminate many truths for you and about the nature of addiction and recovery. This forum is quite different from others in the sense that I really don't care to sugarcoat anything. My mission is to remove the bullshit that is fed to everybody on a daily basis and to share the truth of my experience. Hope that helps. Bless you. By the way, all new posts will now be published on my new site at: theprivilegedaddict.com PS I'd also be more than happy to send you a book if you email me privately with a mailing address.

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  56. Dear Stressed, you can go to as many forums as you like but the stories and the answers are all the same. Stay here. Research as much information as you can on symptoms and behaviours of the alcoholic. Only then will you understand better what has happened to you by becoming involved with one. This information will stop you wondering about all the 'whys?' They are alcoholics and this is what they do, destroy others lives as they do their own. It is a sad reality of the disease. Forget about what he did or did not do. You will not change them. Please find the strength to walk away, when you do there will be peace, beauty and happiness in your life again.

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  57. Dear Stressed, you can visit all the forums you like, but the stories and answers are the same. Research information about alcoholism, signs and symptoms, behaviours etc. By educating yourself you will better understand what has happened to you. You are probably still in love with the alcoholic, which makes it very hard to leave. But I assure you when you leave and cease all contact eventually normality, happiness and beauty will return to your life.

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  58. From everything that I am reading, alcoholics don't change they just should die. My 14 year old daughter's father is an alcoholic. I hated him for at least 12 years, until he recently apologized to me for hurting me when she was a baby. Like a fool, I fell in head first. Since we've been back together, I have come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. When he's drunk he's a totally different person, he doesn't even have the same voice. But he's not mean, he's loving and even cries a lot. But, when he's not drunk he's the meanest person, the devil. Last Friday, he loved me and just a few days later when he wasn't drunk, he hates me and feels that I'm disgusting and the worse women he's ever dated. When he drinks he's dangerous and wants to drive and plays with guns. I feel stupid, hurt, ashamed, alone, abused, abandoned, unsuccessful, need I say more....

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  59. I am a 52yr old alcoholic. 4th generation - at least 4 family, including my brother and father died because of alcoholism. I was up to a cask a day when I fell asleep with a cigarette in my mouth that fell into a hard plastic splint I was wearing for a dislocated shoulder (a fall because I was drunk). 20% 3rd and 4th degree burns. Nearly died 3 times that fateful day.. My separated wife refused to be my next of kin and in the following months, battling in intensive care unit and burns units- the only contact she made was for money to pay bills and dump my clothes on me. My 2 adult sons, who I love very much and miss do not talk to me. Living in basic accommodation with little financial security. Have chronic depression. Lonely, burns hurt- still have more treatment coming, sad. Have not drunk fr 35 days (yay). See a counsellor, doctor, psychologist, go to 2 separate alcohol support groups- one AA, the other run by professionals. Have been down this path many times. Just sharing helps. People tell me that time heals and my life will get better- when??? What makes this round any different than all of the other times?

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  60. Alcoholic. Lost family, wife, house, security. 20% burns, dislocated shoulder same time, in oain- sober 35 days. Am pursuing all right options, AA, counsellor, safe place to live, health, dealing with depression by seeing professional help, alcohol support group. Have been down this road before many times, this first time alone- no family support. Wife of 30 years, 2 adult sons who I love dearly and miss every second. 4th gen alcoholic. My father and brother died of alcoholism- watched my brother die when family decided to unplug him from life support. Life is a bit crappy,am trying,am sober, am alive.

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  61. Strange that people only seem to read this post.

    Of course you can change. ANYONE can change. That is the entire point of this blog and the story I wrote.

    No offense, but if you are suffering 24/7, there is something wrong with your program. You are relying on doctors, shrinks, groups and things outside of yourself to get you better, but it doesn't work that way. There are well over a hundred posts that describe the profound change both myself and many others have secured, and in fact, the very description and purpose of the blog and my story is to describe and inspire just that.

    But here's the thing: recovery and getting better is NOT a function of time, but of what actions we are taking. It has nothing to do with time passing. Sorry, but AA meetings are perhaps 1-5% of the program. Go find someone what has actually recovered and is clearly okay (strong, content and lit up with spirit, with God) to take you through the Step process as its laid out in the Big Book. That is AA and will not fail you should you truly want to change, be willing to go to any lengths, and be willing to be wrong about everything you believe and think you know.

    Do service all day long if you have to. It's about becoming other-centered, not focusing on yourself and your feelings, which is why therapy, doctors and groups are such an absolute joke. You must stop whining and focusing on yourself and your feelings so much if you want to get better, as feelings and self have nothing to do with getting better.

    Also, thing about alcoholics never changing and should just die, well, that is nonsense. Those who don't change simply don't want to, but anybody can change and many addicts should change and use any gifts they have to effect positive change in the world.

    Finally, if you are in a toxic relationship with someone and you stay in that relationship knowing it is toxic, there is something wrong with you as well as the addict. Honor yourself. To thine own self be true. No excuses.

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    1. I'd like to apologize for saying that alcoholics should die, I was just so hurt and angry at my alcoholic. I know that anyone can change if they really want to but I feel that alcohol is a demon. And yes, staying in a toxic relationship says something about me, but it's easier said than done to let someone go who you truly love and thought you could spend your life with when you yourself don't have a problem, they do. Its good to hear that I'm not the only one and it comforts me to read these posts.

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    2. Hi, there were times when I felt the same way you do. I think people stay in toxic relationships because they love, are compassionate and deeply hoping for change. Letting go is very hard. Your problem is that you must not waste these feelings and hopes on a situation that will never change. The hurt and anger will diminish with time. Even people with the thickest skin would find dealing with an alcoholic challenging and emotionally draining. let go, I did and my life is so much better now.

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  62. My friend I'd known for 20 years plus lost his wife, house, kids & job. Eventually he lost his friends. I stuck around I guess, as he had no one except the medical professionals. We travelled, explored, laughed & this was a pure platonic relationship... I don't see him anymore, he took off... I guess he's dating the bottle... I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FRIENDSHIP......

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  63. Hi! It's *somewhat* comforting knowing I'm not alone. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a year, and lived with him six months. His drinking has really escalated. He'd get drunk maybe once every couple weeks before we moved in. We were constantly together then. Now he *might* be sober 2 nights a week. He blames all of humanity for his drinking, keeps telling me to "get with the program", calls me a liar constantly, and on and on and on...He won't keep a job more than 2 weeks, yet thinks I should keep forgiving him. No one really knows the depths of the hell I'm in, except those who put up with the same bullshit. The apartment lease ends in a couple weeks, and I'm moving the hell out. What hurts the most is he's not even sorry for any of the hell he put me through. I found out not long ago that his ex wife went through the same shit. Something he lied about. He's not sorry, and never will be. He only apologizes in hopes that I'll forgive him. I have come to learn that all addicts are liars. All of them. His *friends*...all drunks btw...also lie. If they were truly sorry and actually LOVE their mates, they'd quit drinking. How effing hard is THAT to figure out??????

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  64. I'm glad I found this site. I've been going through alot with my alcoholic husband of 13 years. We have 2 children together. In the beginning of our relationship it started with him picking fights with me and just not coming home to take of drinking. When the weekend was over he asked for forgiveness and I would let him back home. This went on for 10 years. Things just got worse and he would get abuse when I would ask him to stop drinking. The fights got worse and the arguing got worse. Just a few weeks ago he never came home from work and turned his phone off. Me and his mom have been trying to contact him and he wouldn't reply or answer. We knew he was going to work so I decided to go to his job and confront him about just abandoning us and disappearing the way he did. He was not happy to see me he told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he stopped loving me along time ago. His excuse was that we argued to much and he just stop loving. I told him he needs to see the reason why we argued that it was always because of his drinking problem. He didn't care what I had to say he pretty much told me to leave him alone and move on with my life. We have 2 kids that haven't seen him in a month since he left us. He hasn't tried to even contact us or picked up any of his clothes. I don't understand how he stopped loving me when I've stuck by his side for so long through his drinking problem. How can he say those hurtful things to me? I've been crying every night I'm so devastated by this. I love him so much how can he just not care for me anymore?

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  65. Dear Anonymous July 8, i know you love him but you must research and educate yourself on the behaviours and characteristics typical of alcohol addiction. Then your questions will be answered. Do not try to understand and question why? They are the way they are. You have to remove yourself and your children from him. Fear anger and depression are always inevitable for loved ones who are exposed to the life of an addict. They are never grateful or appreciative, empathy is something they cannot feel. Addiction and access to it is all that matters to them. Have courage, you will be alright.

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  66. This has been one of the best things I have read that makes me feel like I'm not crazy nor the only person that is going through this. My husband almost a year ago wanted to go to recovery on his own...I was shocked, of course this had been the one thing I had been praying for for years and I couldn't believe a miracle was happening. He went for 60 days and came home the person I fell in love with I hadn't been so happy and he became the father I always knew he could be. I was a little naive to think a relapse would never happen because we were so happy, I felt like we had started a new amazing life. Until it happened and it spiraled back out of control so quickly I felt like I had been drop kicked and was heart broken. He then decided to go back, I'm still in shock he went once but was now going to go twice in 6 months times. He went for 30 days, promised my daughter and I he would never do this again and he couldn't believe how bad he messed up. He is now 3 months out of recovery for the second time and I know his drinking again every day, he's lying and hiding it. I keep catching him and will talk to him the next day and say what can we do together to get this under control and its either my fault or it's no big deal. I'm pregnant with our second and after our first he promised to be a much better man if I ever got pregnant again...so far it's worse than the first. I feel so alone and that I'm starting to sound like a broken record to friends and family.

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  67. You have to leave him, unfortunately the likelihood of alcholics fully accepting their addiction and being successful in recovery is not high. Being pregnant is not a reason to stay with him, exposing your children to addiction and its bizarre world will not be good for them. I walked away from an alcoholic who I still love, because i had to. I now work full time in management, have bought a home and my two beautiful children - university graduates have been saved from exposure to the world that would have been unstable, unhappy and abusive. I truly believe my life started when I left him. think about yourself and your children, do not believe a word that comes from the mouth of an alcoholic.

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  68. Why do all you people here go on and on about all the awful things these alcoholics do to you and their families. My heart does go out to you, but ask yourselves this. Would you allow a heroin junkie into your and your childrens lives? There is no difference just a different drug. That is how my brother put it to me. And so I stopped questioning why, walked away, and now my life is back to normal, happy and free from the destruction the alcoholic causes.


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  69. Thanks for this blog. I dated my HFA for three years. Ive moved and broke up with him a few weeks ago. Not because I wanted to...but because he doesnt keep his promises and is selfish and i cant rely on him going towards our senior years. (We are both 47) He wastes time imo just getting bombed by himself at home. Wont seek therapy...wont take antidepressants...basically i guess hes ok with his life but i need a grown adult i dont need to monitor or make excuses for. I love and miss him terribly...like all alcoholics out there - hes a great guy when hes sober. :(

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  70. In my own experience recently, I realized that what was holding me back from moving on was the fear of normality. Life without the "worry and sadness" I have been living the past few years. It had become my addiction. Misery loves company syndrome is what I believe most of us suffer from when in love with an active addict. I am finally able to embrace the excitement of the unknown and knowing I will be more than okay. I am changing my behavioral and reactive patterns by reflecting on all my years of life just not the recent. Leading by example and walking with an eagerness to blind faith is better than any substance educed high. And yes, there will be seconds, moments and days that suck...it's God's subtle reminder to stay humble and thankful for the breath he gave you.

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  71. In my own experience recently, I realized that what was holding me back from moving on was the fear of normality. Life without the "worry and sadness" I have been living the past few years. It had become my addiction. Misery loves company syndrome is what I believe most of us suffer from when in love with an active addict. I am finally able to embrace the excitement of the unknown and knowing I will be more than okay. I am changing my behavioral and reactive patterns by reflecting on all my years of life just not the recent. Leading by example and walking with an eagerness to blind faith is better than any substance educed high. And yes, there will be seconds, moments and days that suck...it's God's subtle reminder to stay humble and thankful for the breath he gave you. A friend in need is a friend indeed...we are all human...Once someone has held themselves accountable for their doings, the healing may begin.

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  72. I'll give you some advice. GET OUT NOW. Don't hesitate just piss off and leave them. No matter how hard you try to help them. no matter what you do to help, you will always be at the bottom of their considerations. I have been told over and over again, for the last 20 years by councillors, police, medical staff, rehabilitation workers etc GET OUT, look after yourself. But you don't, you think you are doing the right thing by them, looking after them, but all you are doing is enabling them. Enabling them to carry on hurting you and blaming you for all their problems.

    No matter what it takes, find a way to get away from them. Even if it means dumping them on the street. There is plenty of support for them NOTHING for you. Leave them now whilst you still can.

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  73. Im 23 years old i have been with my husband for 10 years since i was 13 actually. He has been an alcoholic our entire relationship and it has been hell. I suffered so much abuse and it has now left me mentally numb. I now have to go see a psychiatrist to try and fix myself. He is now trying to recover but i dont think i can ever forgive him for all the damage he has caused me. I know that i have to walk away and im sure that i will sooner rather than later. He has been the most selfish person in the world. At 13 years old i had to be the adult in the relationship along with being a mother to our child. Many times i felt that i would go insane and end up in an asylum or something. Im just so tired im ready to let go. I advise anyone to avoid an addict like the plague. They will suck you down into an abyss along with them and blame you for it.

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  74. Your blog is literally saving me and my mom. My sister is an alcoholic. She has been for 15 yrs. finally her husband and kids thru her out and sent her to us and we have tried to help her but she refuses. Your blogs are a lifesaver and mean so much. Thank you for posting these.

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  75. Hi guys. I am from Singapore. Just came by this blog. I am an alcoholic. I really need some help. I don't drink everyday but everytime i drink I binge drink a lot and pass out. I've been trying to stop myself from drinking but I end up doing the same thing again and again and hurt people who are valuable to me especially my wife who endures all this. I tried to get help from the rehab but it is very expensive which I can't afford. I lost my marriage life cause of my drinking and yet I cannot come out of it. Can anyone help me. I really have lost everything because of this habit. Thanks a lot.

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  76. i don't know what to say except i wish i had read this article sooner.... wow

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  77. I feel in love with an alcoholic and need to walk away but it's so hard with him in my heart. God give me the strength to do so.

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  78. The hardest part is knowing they will be Jeckell and Hyde. You never know when they will turn on you.The ups and downs are like a roller coaster. When he isnt drinking we share happy times. I will always have a place in my heart for him.I lived with alcoholics for most of my life.I endured much suffering. I got out due to Alanon and have started. Please read articles on line about Alanon. Go to as many as you can. It will help you get through it or get out sane

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