Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Pain Dependent?

     Are we pain dependent? Yes, we are! Why in hell would someone be pain dependent? Well, it's because happiness, joy, calm, peace, stability and success are just way too foreign to us. Chaos, misery, pain, sadness, suffering, depression, anger, angst and failure are much more familiar territory.

     That sounds demented and insane, doesn't it? Yeah, that's because the mind of an alcoholic/addict is demented and insane, which is precisely why achieving physical sobriety alone won't solve anything. Our problem is much larger than alcohol and drugs.

     After years of masochistic behavior, the totality of self-abuse engrains a certain frame of reference. Everything in life becomes a struggle. Everything is a disappointment. Everything is hard. Nothing works out. Nobody understands us. Nobody is on our side. Everybody is out to get us. The world is totally messed up. Nobody feels the way we do. Nobody cares. Failure is inevitable. Success and contentment are unreachable. There is a permanent abyss between who we are and who we wish we could be.

     If that is our mind set, our chaotic and troubled way of life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It becomes natural to fail, butt heads, and screw up. It becomes natural to have drama, controversy, and confrontation. Bad luck is a daily routine.

     When this is our reality, chaos, confusion, deception and misery become our preferred way of life, simply because they are so familiar. Conversely, success, love and joy are like foreign enemies, more of a threat than a comfort. Instead of bringing us peace, they make us more uncomfortable and insecure.

     As alcoholics and addicts, we much prefer to set the bar as low as possible. That way nobody is surprised when we screw up, and any success whatsoever gets us a pat on the back. How messed up is that? Yeah, I know, but that is who we are. Believe it or not, we are actually pain-dependent.

God, free me from self-will today...

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