Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Couples Therapy

     We can't change the inner reality by changing the outer reality...

     Why didn't couples therapy save our relationship? For the very same reason that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn't save the addict. It's backwards. We're talking about two damaged people with their own individual issues trying to focus on fixing the specifics of their marriage. Huh? How can a marriage of two screwed up people be fixed by focusing on the marriage? What saved our torn marriage wasn't couples therapy. What saved our marriage was the fact that both of us worked on ourselves separately, and as a byproduct of individual change, our relationship healed. If we don't fix ourselves, everything else will eventually fail.
   
     This is true in all other facets of life. We can't try to fix some problem in our lives without changing ourselves. We will fail every time. Why? Because our outer lives are merely a reflection of our inner lives. When we realize this and begin to change from within, that is when our lives get better. When we stop focusing on trying to control and fix everything around us, then we have the energy to deal with the real problem: us. It is nothing but the work we do on our minds, our bodies, our spirits, our psyches and our emotional balance that changes our relationships and our professional lives, etc. Better lives come as a byproduct of changing ourselves, not the other way around.

     Regarding couples, obviously there are often specific issues to work on in a relationship or marriage. But if we fix ourselves, then we have the willingness to address these issues without becoming defensive, proud, indignant, obstinate, angry, hurt, resentful, or fearful of loss, rejection, abandonment, etc. It is hard to put good ideas into action and practice them on a daily basis when we are suffering and ridden with negative behavioral patterns.  

God, help me see that inner work = outer results...

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