Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Unfamiliar Territory

     Why do addicts sabotage everything... over and over and over?

     Because being happy is such unfamiliar territory. They've gotten used to misery and drama and negativity. They've gotten used to destroying everything. They've become pain-dependent. Being happy and successful and fulfilled and at peace is far too strange a feeling for addicts. So when things start going our way, it's much easier to just tear the whole thing down.

     Sabotaging all the good things in our life is also a defense mechanism, oddly enough. If we're always screwed up and making a mess of things, no one will expect that much from us. It takes the pressure and the focus off. More importantly, it allows us to use the way we want to. It allows us enough moral relativity to just do whatever we want to. We can justify doing the stupidest shit in the world because we're 'just screwed up that way'. Great excuse, huh? So sabotage is a defense mechanism because it allows us to keep the standard lower. When we relapse and destroy everything, nobody is surprised.

     By the way, that is the most ridiculous reason not to get better. We should get better because we have lived a life of cowardice. We should get better because we have put ourselves in front of all others. We should get better because we have ripped our loved ones' hearts out. We should get better because we have destroyed friendships, burned bridges, and become a waste of the world's natural resources. We should get better because it is the right thing to do.

     Why not drop the preoccupation with self-comfort and challenge myself not to be a complete loser? Why not grow up and walk through some pain and discomfort like the rest of the people on the planet? Who are we addicts to remain in our comfort zones if doing so comes at the expense of hurting others?

God, help me to trust in my recovery, that I may embrace strength and success...

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