When I was 18, the big D first hit me like a ton of bricks. It was palpable, alive. It encroached me like a storm cloud and wrapped itself around my body, smothering every inch of my inner experience until I was lost in darkness, crippled and paralyzed. It was heavy, and affected all senses. I couldn't smell smells. Couldn't taste tastes. Skin was numb. Labido gone. Interests gone. Pleasure gone. Life became nothing more than breathing, a constant state of agony, and the torture of my speeding, racy mind. All night my mind would race around. One thought, ten thoughts, hundreds and hundreds of thoughts just pounding away. And what if it never ends?
The self-consciousness and insecurity was so bitter and so strong that it felt as if I'd never be able to function or enjoy anything again. I didn't go anywhere because it was so unbearable for anyone to see me so weak and pathetic. Suicide was a possibility except that I was a total, utter coward. When I saw others having fun, engaging, talking, eating, listening to music, or any other normal activity - it was like being stabbed. I felt like I was missing out on a life that I could never get back. I was missing out on my one chance to enjoy life.
You'll be glad to know that I no longer suffer from depression to any degree whatsoever. I have studied neuroscience and seen evidence of bio-chemical depression and there certainly appears to be significant brain changes in the severely depressed. But there's a catch. My doctors told me there is no way out unless I'm medicated for life. They told me it will never go away and the only effective treatment for symptoms was medication. First of all, if I take medication to relieve my depression, as soon as I stop taking it, I'm right back where I started, but worse. What sort of solution is that? Plus, I'm stubborn and I want to heal from the root of my depression - the underlying spiritual illness. I want the depression and its causes to be expelled from me forever. I don't want to be a zombie. I don't want to lose every ounce of creative talent and inspiration that I have. I don't want to put up a brick wall between me and God.
The good news is you can literally change your bio-chemistry without any medication whatsoever. 8 years ago I changed my brain and rid myself of fear, depression and addiction by, yup, praying, meditating, writing inventory, helping others and living by spiritual principles. Don't worry, I make mistakes constantly. I'm still a dick sometimes. I freak out, get angry, act like a psycho behind the wheel, manage to hurt others, and screw up my mind on a regular basis. But I did enough work to conquer my clinical depression and to activate a line between me and God - like a telephone line that I can tap into anytime, anywhere.
None of my psychiatrists believe that I actually cured myself of depression and addiction without medication of any sort. They don't know how to wrap their heads around how certain spiritual actions and certain spiritual realities can cause scientific changes. Dumbasses. Jk.
God, teach me how to let go, to be where I am, to feel what I feel...